


What Goes Around Comes Around

by sprite_spirits



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crushes, Established Jeongcheol, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Burn Jisol, Unrequited Love, encounters, minor junhao - Freeform, minor meanie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-05-24 03:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 60,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14946569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sprite_spirits/pseuds/sprite_spirits
Summary: In Hansol’s opinion, the wisest decision Jihoon made in his entire life is to tell him and Joshua his feeling for Soonyoung while Jihoon, on the other hand, regrets it. That was, however, until some other victims of the america line’s prank gathered to take their revenge.Well, they’re just trying to help each other out actually, but not everyone appreciates being helped.





	1. Black Coffee

> **It's bitter but that's what I like, I don't know you but I like you.**

How did he end up here? Jihoon thought to himself as Hansol fixed the grey sweater on him.

“There.” The half-american finally lifted his head up with a satisfied sigh, “This is a lot better, you should wear clothes like this more often.” He patted the elder's shoulder lightly.

Jihoon gazed at the person in the mirror. His usually messy hair was neatly combed, covering his forehead, the shade of pastel-pink glimmering under the yellow light of the room. He was wearing a pair of black striped jeans and a slightly oversized grey sweater, palms hidden beneath the sleeves.

Even though he didn’t want to, he had to admit that Hansol’s choice of clothes looked good on him, but he didn’t dare to say anything to boost the boy’s self-inflating ego. He pursed his lips unnaturally, Hansol had applied some type of lemon scent lipstick on him, the colour wasn’t really noticeable, he just felt weird to have something on his lips.

“Soonyoung is entering the coffee shop with Minghao, are you guys ready?” Joshua entered the room.

“Tell me he looks great.” Hansol turned to his fellow american.

“You’re cute with those sweater paws, you should wear more of those in the future.” Joshua commented after scanning the boy from head to toe.

“I know right!” Hansol exclaimed, “Credits to me?” He lifted his head with pride.

“You look like a puppy wanting a pat from his owner after getting the bone back.” Jihoon scoffed as he buried his forehead in his left hand with a disapproving shake.

“Are you implicating that you are the bone?” Hansol retorted.

“I -”

“Enough you two. Hansol, you are the best.” Joshua patted his head gently, obviously stifling a laugh while Jihoon actually laughed at that, “and Jihoon, you should get going, Minghao said he and Soonyoung already have their orders.”

The laughing stopped immediately at the mention of Soonyoung’s name, replaced by nervousness, “Do I really have to do this?”

“C’mon hyung, we have planned this for so long and you tell me you’re backing up now? I even changed the size of my favourite jeans to let it fit on you.” Hansol whined.

“I didn’t sign up for this in the first place, it’s just you two forcing me to! I shouldn’t have told you my feelings for Soonyoung.” Jihoon shouted back. True, he had his biggest crush on the dance team leader Kwon Soonyoung ever since their second year, he thought he would keep this as a secret until his love for the other dies as they graduate, set apart and gradually forget about him. That was, until he accidentally spilled his secret to the two americans in the lamest way possible - truth or dare. The two became unnecessarily enthusiastic about getting him and his crush together. It’s not like he wasn’t thankful for them but the point is - the pair didn’t even tell him what they planned. All he knew was the smirk on Hansol’s face and -

_“You’ll know when you get there. Just take the sit beside your crush and you’ll eventually find a way out.”_

This is insane. Jihoon thought to himself, he didn’t want to make a fool of himself in front of others, especially when it was Kwon Soonyoung.

Hansol looked like he wanted to say something but Joshua held up a hand before him and stepped closer to the shorter boy.

“Jihoon, look at me.”, Joshua bended down slightly to look at Jihoon right in the eyes, “University is ending soon, and you never have a proper talk with your crush. You won’t know when you would be able to see him again. We just didn’t want you to have any regrets."

Jihoon remained silent for a second. He knew the pair had put efforts in planning everything, he knew it was for his good, and he knew that deep inside he didn’t want to forget his first love without even trying. He took a deep breath and sighed before looking back at the older boy, “You're right. Sorry shua, I was just nervous, I- He doesn’t even know me.”

“Nevermind hyung, no matter how this ends, you gain a relationship or a non regretful university life. You win no matter what. Just remember we are always here for you.” Hansol beamed in, a heart warming smile on his face.

“Thanks guys.” Jihoon smiled, it didn’t last long though because Hansol is suddenly jumping and screaming, “Now go lover boy! Time and tide waits for no man!” He pushed Jihoon out of the door and slammed it shut with a loud ‘bang’.

“That’s lame!” He yelled back, but only giggles were heard from behind the door. He lifted his head to greet the blinding sunlight.

“I can do this.” He whispered to himself and headed towards the shop.

 

///

 

“I thought we’re going to the cafe we usually go.” Soonyoung said as he stepped in a small coffee shop with Minghao, “This place seems popular though.” He lifted his eyebrows at the crowded area.

Minghao just shrugged, “Jun recommended this place to me, it’s the first time for me to be here to be honest.” They found the only unoccupied table, which was for two apparently, and sat down. The two placed their order, black coffee and hazelnut latte.

“I thought you preferred latte?” Soonyoung questioned the other boy who was busily texting someone.

“I- er-” Minghao lifted his head, trying hard to think fast, “Jun, suggested it.” He replied, a significant pause in the middle.

“Weird choice.” Soonyoung commented, “I’ve never been to a coffee shop with Jun before, I thought he doesn’t like drinking coffee.”

Yeah, he doesn't. Minghao thought to himself, wondering what took Joshua so long to reply his message at the same time.

“Who are you texting? You seldom text someone, something important?” Soonyoung frowned. Minghao was acting weird since they entered the coffee shop, “You seem pretty restrained, is anything wrong?”

“Nothing it’s ju- “ Minghao was going to find other excuse when he received a message from Joshua. At the exact moment the message popped up, he felt his whole body relax then tensed at the next, noticing the intense stare the older boy is giving him.

He wet his lips before answering, “It’s just that there’s a group project I have to be finishing next week. We were half-done originally, but my group mate just told me he accidentally ruined part of it.” It wasn’t a full lie. Minghao reassured himself. Hansol was his friend from design major and they were currently working on a project together, and Joshua was the roommate of Hansol, so. It’s _not_ a full lie. Conspicuously.

Still, he was speaking two times faster than usual, luckily, Soonyoung assumed it was the anxiousness, “Design major could really be tiring. Do you have to get back to school now?”

He didn’t notice how Minghao nodded a bit too eagerly and stood up from his seat instantly, “Sure, you could just take my coffee. Thanks, Hosh.” He waved and fled away.

“Don’t overwork yourself!” Soonyoung yelled at the vanishing figure.

The coffee arrived some time after Minghao left. Soonyoung sighed at the two cups of coffee, “What am I going to do with this now?” He muttered. He heard the sound of bells from the door and looked up. A boy with pastel-pink hair was looking around, trying to find a seat in the crowded coffee shop he assumed. It was when he realized the only seat in the shop available was the one in front of him.

 

///

 

Jihoon spotted Soonyoung once he entered the coffee shop - red hair was really obvious. He glanced around the shop and understood why Hansol told him it wouldn’t be weird for him to seat with Soonyoung.

How did he manage to get the whole coffee shop full? He thought as he turned his head again, only to meet someone staring at him, Soonyoung.

“If you’re finding a seat, you could sit here.” The boy beckoned with a friendly grin.

Jihoon had seen this grin too many times, but it was the first time he saw it this close. He felt a rush of dizziness triggering from his spines to his head. He stood there unmoved, oblivious of the fact that he was embarrassing the other boy.

“Sorry, if you feel uncomfortable about sitting here, it’s fi-”

“No, nevermind, I mean.” Jihoon quickly cut him off and sat down on the chair, scratching the back of his neck, “I saw you got two cups of coffee and thought you are with someone else… I’m not uncomfortable or what.” He reassured. _God, I must be rude. There goes my first impression._ He bit his lips, not knowing where to look at due to the embarrassment, his line of sight wandered from the boy to the window until it finally landed on the table. He was more than relieved when the other replied with a slight chuckle.

“Well, I was.” Soonyoung settled his chin in his palm, slightly amused by the youngers current state, “But he left before our coffee came, so.”

“Oh.” Silence fell between the two. Jihoon wanted to slap himself for stopping the conversation from flowing. He tried finding for topics but as the quiet type, he really didn’t know how to initiate one.

“Do you drink black coffee?” Soonyoung chimed in his thoughts.

“Y- yeah, I only drink black coffee actually.” Jihoon stuttered because of the suddenance of the question, “Why?”

“Really? You could take this then, my treat.” Soonyoung pushed the cup of black coffee abandoned by Minghao towards him.

“Thanks.” Jihoon accepts the coffee, feeling their fingertips brush across each other and how his mind went blank at the simple, momentary touch, blurring out every other thing except their fingers automatically, “But I’ll pay you back.” He managed to say.

“Nevermind, just take it.” Soonyoung brushed it off, he would ask Minghao to pay for it anyway, “I’m surprised though, I thought only Jun drinks something as bitter as black coffee.”

“Jun? The one who left you here?” Jihoon scowled a bit, he was pretty sure the name mentioned by Joshua was Minghao not Jun.

“No, not him. It’s a long story.”

Jihoon took it as a signal to not question further, but their conversation would stop at that point and he didn’t want Soonyoung to take him as someone dull to talk to. He found himself searching for random topics again but failed.

In the midst of thought, he heard a small beeping from his pocket. “Sorry.” He gave Soonyoung a bashful smile before taking out his phone, in which the later replied with a wave of his hand.

It was a message from Hansol.

“Don’t be too thankful to me.” Read the message, following with a list ranging from songs to dancers to movies and games. At the same time, the coffee shop started playing ‘One Thing’ by one direction. Jihoon froze in amusement, the song name ‘one thing’ appeared on the top of the list. He didn’t waste much time on wondering whether it was a coincidence or a work of Hansol, because Soonyoung’s eyes lit up at the familiar rhythm, “Oooh, I like this song.” He said as he hummed along.

“You’re a fan of One Direction as well?”

“I am! You must have heard to cover of Woozi on this song then. That was one of my favourite covers.” The dancer beamed.

“I-” Jihoon felt his cheeks heating up, because THAT WAS HIS COVER. It wasn’t Soonyoung to blame since Jihoon never sang with the name ‘Woozi’, he never sang in public actually, Woozi was just a producer, composer and lyricist, sometimes an arranger in this case. ‘One Thing’ was sang by Joshua and Hansol, but their names weren’t shown when he published it under their request. He debated telling the other he’s the boy mentioned or just brush it off. It wasn’t a hard decision since he wasn’t one who would brag about himself.

“I did. I’m a music major as well so I’m pretty tuned on those.” He settled on. He didn’t know if Soonyoung noticed the blush on his face or how he changed the topic, but the other, to Jihoon’s relief, didn’t mention ‘Woozi’ anymore.

“Really? I heard the music department is having a talent show earlier in December?”

The conversation flowed smoothly from there, Jihoon was never so thankful to Hansol in his life. Then, again, he would never say it out loud because that boy seriously didn’t need that.

Jihoon’s right though. On the other corner of the cafe sat Joshua and Hansol, the latter wearing a smug smile on his face, proudness overwhelming.

 

///

 

“That smile is disgusting.” Seungcheol, the owner of the coffee shop walked towards them, placing two mugs on the table - hot americano and mocha, “You guys owe me one by the way.”

“Why? I thought helping each other is what friends are for.” Hansol pouted, “Minghao didn’t ask for anything.”

“Changing the song list is easy, but I don’t give out free coffee for nothing Hansol.” Seungcheol defended. In order to fill up the whole coffee shop, he asked some of his customers for help and promised to serve them a cup of free coffee. The coffee shop wasn’t big and there were other customers who weren’t ‘invited’, but it still costed him around ten servings.

“You could ask Jihoon for it perhaps?”

“First, I don’t know him and second, I want it from you two.” Seungcheol answered firmly.

“I’m included?” Joshua lifted his head up from the book he was reading.

“Why not?”

“Seems like you have decided what you wanted.” Joshua nodded, “I’m fine with that.”

“Aren’t you agreeing too fast? We doesn’t even know what he wants.” Hansol protested, leaning forward.

Joshua simply took a sip of his americano, “If Cheol asks for something in this half-forceful manner, it’s something he wants desperately and only us could give it to him. So, no use bargaining.” He tapped Hansol’s forehead with his fingers, pushing the younger back to his seat.

“Do you know you sound like a creep sometimes?” Seungcheol faked a shiver, “But yah, you’re right, so none of you are quitting, deal?”

“Fine.” Hansol moaned.

“Good, enjoy your coffee.” Seungcheol hummed before leaving to serve others.

Hansol resumed observing the two boys chatting from over the coffee shop, but soon got bored and went scrolling down his phone. He paused when he saw a post and sent it to Jihoon. The later took his phone out and showed it to Soonyoung who read the content and they laughed some moments later.

“What did you send him?” Joshua asked, moving forward to peek at the screen.

Hansol ignored the question and leaned backwards, “Cheol! What type of coffee do you drink?” He yelled towards the direction of the counter.

“Espresso usually, why?” Seungcheol replied from behind the jars of coffee beans.

“Let’s see… espresso drinker, takes on leadership, knows how to get what they want... ” He read, “Hey, this is pretty accurate.”

“You sent them a coffee personality test?” Joshua shook his head and returned his gaze to his book, “Those are just word tricks. The comments fits anyone.”

“It’s just for fun. As the best student in psychology department, you’ll never understand what normal humans feel.” Hansol snorted as he continued scrolling down, “Hot americano... “ He stopped abruptly and started giggling.

“What are you laughing at?” The older boy frowned, those gigglings were getting him curious. He leaned forward, managing to grab Hansol’s phone but failed.

“Americano drinker, drinks what most people drink because they don’t bother picking a beverage, this implies they are usually fine with everything and thus live a bored life.” Hansol revealed.

Joshua laid his back back on the chair and rolled his eyes, “You made that up didn’t you?”

“It’s fun watching how your emotions roller-coast.” Hansol chirped, “And I did that just because they don’t have an option for americano, sadly.”

“What about mocha drinkers.”

“I thought you aren’t interested?”

“It’s someone who acts to be an adult when they're only 3-years old mentally.”

_“Josh!”_

Behind the coffee machine was a head-shaking Seungcheol, “Never argue with a psychology major, you’ll never win.” He sighed as he gently touched the pocket watch hanging over his neck and smiled to himself. He had learnt that a long time ago.


	2. Psychology Majors

> **How small is the probability to meet someone you could read them like the back of their mind, or to meet someone who could read you like an open book?**

Hansol found Minghao in the art room gesturing in front of a model. “Hansol, could you help me fix this on the model?” The other boy noticed Hansol’s presence and requested. 

“Sure.” Said boy walked over to help, “How much have you done?” They had finished the design last week, all they need now is to work out the final product. The deadline’s on next weekend so there’s no need to rush. Hansol would have procrastinated to the last minute if it’s an individual work but Minghao always liked to work things out earlier.

‘Who know what would happen later on, do it when you have time.’ was what he always repeat. Hansol didn’t want to be nagged by Minghao, well known as someone who could harp on others non stop, so he followed Minghao’s plan strictly whenever they work on a group project. It’s not bad finishing things on a schedule Hansol reckoned, but he just couldn’t fight his laziness if it’s only him working on something.

“I have cut out all the fabrics needed and sort out other materials required, good progress I think.” Minghao replied, “How about you? I thought you would stay in the coffee shop for longer.”

“I wanted to, but Josh left early for his studies. I got bored sitting there alone and left. Speaking of that, have Soonyoung told you anything about today yet?”

“I haven’t check my phone since I left the shop, I don’t think he have the time to do so though. But being the chatterbox he is, my phone will be bombarded by texts sooner or later.” He put down the piece of white fabric he was holding and took out his phone, “Actually, why didn’t you let me just introduce them as friends? I’m not saying this isn’t a good idea, it turned out great obviously. I’m just curious.”

“You have to ask Josh about that.” Hansol shrugged as he fixed the fabric on the model with pins, “There.” He turned to face Minghao, “He reasoned me with some type of psychological theory saying ‘casual encounterments makes people feel destined and  have a higher probability for people develop a romantic relationship’ or stuff like that, but I’m pretty sure he just wanted fun. He’s really mischievous inside despite that appearance.”

Hansol first suggested to introduce them as friends knowing Minghao was in the same dance team with Soonyoung, but Joshua said he had a better idea. Jihoon was there to protest but Joshua just shushed him with a remark of ‘you won’t regret’. 

The music major may be scary in some ways but was a flustered mess when it came to love issues, together with the american line’s persuasion (which included Joshua’s extreme competence in linguistic art and Hansol’s whines and hearty smiles), he gave in.

“I figured.” Minghao hummed as he unlocked his phone. It beeped twice at the exact moment, causing Minghao to froze. “What’s that?” Curiosity got Hansol moving closer to the other boy.

“Nothing, Joshua-hyung is asking me for a favour.” Minghao hid his phone before Hansol approached.

“Is it related to Soonyoung and Jihoon?” The other boy nodded, “Some sort of secret mission? Why ain’t I involved?”

“Because… it’s a secret mission?” Minghao gave him a wink, “Now come and help me here, you’re  _ involved _ in this project.” 

They worked until 6:30 when Minghao received a message from Soonyoung sent to their group chat of the dance group they were in.

‘Guys!’

‘You won’t be able’

‘To guess what happened.’

‘Like’

‘Really.’

Hansol and Minghao exchanged glances before bursting into laughters, “Was he used to send a sentence separately?”

“He does.” Minghao hummed as he thought of what to reply, “It’s pretty annoying sometimes.” He stated but the smile on his lips told the opposite.

“I should go and check out Jihoon-hyung.” Hansol decided. Bidding Minghao goodbye, he started sprinting to Jihoon’s dorm, wanting to arrive there earlier than the elder.

 

///

 

“Kwannie~” Seungkwan almost toppled to the floor due to the sudden hug from behind.

“Seokmin you’re scaring me.” He turned around to face his beagle friend, “Heading to somewhere?” He eyed the other’s backpack, curious of what was inside.

“To the music room.” Seokmin pulled out a blinding smile, “I’m having a collaboration with one of the seniors, you want to join? You can give comments to us.”

“Thanks for inviting, but I don’t think I’m qualified to give comments for our infamous Dokyeom.” Seungkwan mocked as he slipped his phone he was holding into the pocket of his jeans.

Seokmin was about to say something when someone rushed from between them, almost bumping on the two if Seokmin didn’t gave Seungkwan a pull, “Sorry.” The person yelled but stopped instantly when he saw who it was that he almost crashed on, “Oh hi Kwan.” Said the person with his toothy grin.

“Sol, watch where you’re going please.” Seungkwan rolled his eyes at the boy, moving his arms away from Seokmin’s grip at the same time, leaving the others hand awkwardly hanging in the air but Seungkwan intentionally ignored.

“This is?” Seokmin put down his hands in the most natural way he could and questioned.

“This is Hansol, my best friend since secondary.” Seungkwan beckoned, “And Hansol, Seokmin, or Dokyeom, he’s my friend from geography class.”

“Dokyeom! the singer right? I love the collaboration of you and Ji- I mean, Woozi-hyung.” Hansol shook hands with Seokmin with an animated grin which the other politely smiled back.

“I thought you said you’re not free today?” Seungkwan asked his best friend.

“Judging by how I’m in rush, do you I think I look like I’m free? Or did you assume I was jogging in the school alley?” Hansol deadpanned, “Speaking of that, I really have to go, I’ll tell you what I’m on  this Saturday, when you come over to my home. It’s really fun, bye!” With that, he sprinted off.

“He’s like a hurricane.” Seokmin commented watching as Hansol disappeared at the end of the corridor in seconds.

“That’s how he is. Sometimes really reliable and mature, but other times, he acts like a kid over excited for things.” Seungkwan said with a smile, “We did a lot of stupid things before together.” He remembered all those crazy years, especially when they first became adults… that month was a disaster that he would gladly recall.

“You two are really close aren’t you?” Seokmin asked in a slightly bitter tone none of the pair  noticed.

“Of course.” Seungkwan nodded, “We’re best friends since secondary.”

“I know, that’s how you introduced him.”

“Then why are you asking?”

“...forget about that. What were we talking about? Oh yeah.” Seokmin faked a cough, “Join me in the recording room, your singing proves your qualified for everything. C’mon, I want you to be the first audience for my new song.” He begged, shaking the others arms.

_ I want you to be the first audience for my new song. _ The statement echoed in Seungkwan’s brain for a few times before he got back to reality by the shaking of arms, “I- I just sing as an hobby Seok, I don’t know about producing and other stuff.” He pushed Seokmin’s hand of his arm, averting eye contact with the other.

“But you’ve seen me singing when you invited me to sing the song Woozi produced last time.” The true reason behind the continuous invitations was Seokmin thought Seungkwan should sing public, but the younger didn’t like it. Seokmin thought if getting Seungkwan to watch more of the recording process would initiative him to join.

“It’d be fine if you’re singing alone but it’s not the case now, I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of a senior, whoever he is.”

“You won’t be awkward, c’mon Kwannie~” Reality proved that the nickname was all it needs to get Seungkwan agreeing to whatever seokmin was pleading for.

“Fine, just once, and never call me that nickname again.” He complied with a sigh.  _ I won’t be able to handle it.  _ He added internally as he started walking towards the direction of the music room. His walking pace speeding up with his heartbeat.

“Why? I like how it sounds.” Seokmin sped up to catch up with the younger, “You can do the same to me if you want, drop all the honorifics and stuff.” He tilted his head with a hearty smile, Seungkwan hated how his friend was so oblivious of things, but it’s not like he would let go of a chance to shorten their distance.

“...Seokminnie?” The words hesitantly left his lips.

There was a silence. “You know what? Forget what I said, it’s weird to hear others calling me this way, especially when your younger than me...” Seokmin winced.

“Seokminnie it is then.” Seungkwan beamed, “I like the sound of it.” A prevailing smile widened on his lips as he mimicked the elder, “You just have to get used to it.”

 

///

 

“How’s your day?” Jihoon almost bumped on the brows-wiggling Hansol when he entered the room. It wasn’t Jihoon to blame though, the boy is standing just in front of the door.  _ Probably waiting since forever _ . Jihoon thought. Little did he know, Hansol ran to his dorm all the way from arts room just to arrive his dorm earlier than him.

“Why are you here?” The pink hair boy kicked his shoes away before glancing around, the unsaid ‘Is Shua-hyung here as well’ hung in the air.

“Josh went back to our dorm for revision. Some sort of test coming up next week I guess.” Hansol answered, “Now don’t change topic, how was your date?”

“It’s not a date Hansol, it’s just a casual encounter.” The elder boy entered the dorm and sat on his bed. Hansol didn’t fail to catch the faint shade of pink on the mention of the word ‘date’. 

He pulled up a goofy smile and sat beside Jihoon, “Yeah, a  _ casual  _ encounter, whatever, I’ll take it as you’re having a good time judging from that blush on your face.” He looked pleased until he remembered something, “Oh by the way, Joshua asked if you have done what he told you to do… what’s that? He didn’t tell me the details."

The shade of pink grew deeper on the milky skin, “Yeah… I did. Soonyoung seemed to be amused but agreed nonetheless.”

“Soonyoung what? What have you done exactly? Tell me hyung,  _ please _ .” Hansol shook Jihoon’s hand vigorously only to receive a faint, bashful smile.

“Go figure it out yourself.” was the only reply before he got kick out. Now Hansol regret he didn’t stay longer in the shop.

_ Secret missions. _ He thought to himself. _ I’ll find those out, I promise.  _ With that, he returned to his dorm, ready to corner Joshua and interrogate him.

 

///

 

Hansol found Joshua talking to Jeonghan in their dorm. The psychology majors were friends since junior, they shared the same class until Joshua suspended from school in his second year. The blonde was currently working as a teacher assistant in the college, for the psychology class apparently.

“Hi Jeonghan-hyung.” Hansol greeted. 

“Hi, Hansol. Now that you have returned, I guess I gotta go.” Jeonghan got up as he gave Joshua a wink which the later ignored.

“Why? Am I intruding something? I can leave for the moment if you have to talk.”

“You’re not intruding anything Hansol, Jeonghan just got a call from his boyfriend and was about to leave anyway.” Joshua interrupted before the blonde could respond.

“Ok then.” Hansol nodded. He knew something was going on between the two but he decided to let it settle for now, “Before you leave, hyung. Seungcheol hyung asked me and Josh for a favour earlier today... do you have any idea what your boyfriend wants?” 

Jeonghan raised his eyebrows, “I don’t think I know anything about it.”

“Ok. Thanks anyway. Bye hyung.”

“I guess you may or may not have just ruined something.” Joshua said once the door was closed with a ‘click’. 

“Why? I just want to make sure Cheol-hyung’s request won’t go too far.” The younger sat on his bed, a puzzled looked on his face.

“Because I got a feeling what Seungcheol wants have something to do with Jeonghan... like, maybe a surprise or something?” And Jeonghan would probably be able to figure it out when he got a single hint of things since he’s, well, Jeonghan.

The air went silent for a moment. “Oh.” Hansol mouthed. But it was too late.

In the coffee shop was Jeonghan sitting beside the bar, zoning out as his boyfriend cleaned the coffee shop and turned the wooden board with the ‘open’ sign hanging on the front door of the shop around.

“There.” Seungcheol grinned, satisfied, “What do you want to do today, Hannie?” He turned to his boyfriend. Said boy snapped back to reality, “Pardon? Sorry, I was occupied by something else.” He apologized.

“Just where you want us to go since you’re the one who asked for a date.” Seungcheol gently grabbed Jeonghan’s hand which was continuously tapping the surface of the bar with his fingers and furrowed his brows, “You seem quite off today, anything bad?” 

“Nothing.” The blonde replied retreating his hand from the grasp, “I was just wondering. And I don’t really have a destination for our date, I just kind of... want to spend some time with you.” He smiled.

Seungcheol went silent for a moment, before letting out an eager ‘really?’.

“What kind of response is this?” 

“It’s just,” He paused to find a word, “a bit out of character? You usually say ‘I’m giving you a chance to hang out with me’ instead of ‘I want to spend some time with you’.”

Jeonghan was about to argue when he heard Seungcheol muffled a ‘but I like this as well.’ Words of protest stuck in his throat and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“I’m not that bitchy, am I?” He said quietly, a bashful smile on his lips.

“You’re not, and even if you are, you’re still my beloved boyfriend.” Seungcheol stepped closer and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. 

“Now enough with the cheesiness, I have a surprise for you.” The older soon pulled apart and announced.

“Now?” 

“Yeah, just follow me.” He offered Jeonghan his hand.

“But I thought…” you are going to plan a surprise for me with Hansol and Joshua? He noticed the questioning look on the others face and shook his head slightly with a smile, “Never mind that, let’s go.” Jeonghan accepted the hand and followed Seungcheol out of the coffee shop wondering what the brunette wanted from the america line. He had the confidence to figure it out, he never failed to read Seungcheol. It was then he realize he may not have the chance. 

He sighed at the thought. Only if he could have more time.


	3. Puzzle Pieces

 

 

 

> Secrets always hides between pieces. It's hard to focus when we got the whole picture to see though.

“Joshua-hyung, I got what you wanted.” Minghao handed Joshua a sticky note the next day after classes.

“Thanks.” Said person took the note and started inserting things to his phone, “You can just call me Shua-hyung, or simply Josh or Shua. I don’t really mind, since Joshua-hyung is pretty long.” He smiled to the Chinese boy.

“Now I understand why Hansol never use honorifics when he’s with you. I’ll call you Shua-hyung then, I heard Jihoon-hyung called you this way.”

“What are you two blabbing about?” Hansol entered the dorm with his bag hanging over his shoulder, “What’s this?” He took the sticky note from Joshua, “Dino, Jun, Dokyeom… I just met Dokyeom yesterday, he was Seungkwan’s friend.”

“Really? The world’s pretty small then. These are contacts of some of Soonyoung’s close friends.” The eldest replied, setting down his phone, “Just in case it might be useful in the future.”

“Ah… most of them are from the same dancing team with Soonyoung, right? That’s what you told him in the text yesterday? What’s the point of not telling me then?” Hansol asked his fellow american.

Joshua returned a puzzled look, “I didn’t tend hide it from you? And when did I-” send a message to Minghao? The remaining words were however unable to leave his lips.

“No specific reasons,” Minghao interrupted elbowing the elder from behind where Hansol couldn’t see, “I just didn’t want to tell you, want to know how you will react.” The Chinese smirked, earning a light shove from the younger.

“What about the mission Jihoon had?” Joshua was about the answer when the mentioned boy entered, “I thought I heard my name?”

“Hansol is asking what I asked you to do for your date with Soonyoung.” Joshua explained, “I still haven’t asked how it was by the way.”

“Oh that.” Hansol saw the familiar blush on the boy’s cheeks, “It’s… great.”

“It would be better if you knew how he kept texting me about you last night.” Minghao added.

“He did?” Jihoon’s eyes lit up.

“I’m not surprised.” Joshua deadpanned, “We did enough research for his ideal type beforehand and you appeared great.” Hansol nodded in agreement.

“You guys what? How? When?”

“We even got Cheol-hyung to fill his coffee shop with customers, change the playlist and now we owe him one.” Hansol sighed.

“Yeah, and you almost ruined it.” Joshua remarked.

“Can you not mention that? We figured how to wrap it up, didn’t we?” He covered his face in embarrassment.

“We did, and that costs us twice the effort.”

“I told you I’m sorry, quit harping on me Josh.”

“Something bothering you?” Minghao noticed the silence of Jihoon and asked. The other two stopped their conversation and turned to the boy.

“I, I’m just worried.” Jihoon pursed his lips, fingers fidgeting both sides of his jeans, “You guys made me appear in his ideal image, but what if, what if he discovers the _real_ me and disliked me? What if he got mad after he find out I lied to him? What if-”

“Hyung.” Hansol cut him off, “We didn’t lie to him. You’re still you who encountered him, who talked to him. We just enlarged your good points - being fantastic at music, easy-going, and cute…"

“Don’t call me cute.” He muttered under his breath, “But thanks Hansol.” The younger just chuckled.

“Why were you here on the first place though, I assume it wasn’t to hear how we prepared for your date?” Joshua inquired.

“Now that you mentioned, I was here to ask Hansol to pick me clothes for next Monday.”

“I’m glad to help, but what’s it on next Monday?”

“Your date with Soonyoung right?” Minghao beamed in, “He told me.” He added before Jihoon could ask anything.

“Is it a date or a casual hang out?” Hansol raised his eyebrows.

“Well… Shua-hyung told me to make sure it is a date. So when he said he would be glad to do this again, I said…” The remaining words became inaudible.

“You said what?”

“I said, I’ll show up only if it is a date... and he agreed.” Jihoon muffled, but was clear enough for the other boys to understand.

“Wow, that’s…” Hansol said after moments of silence, trying to find a word but failed.

“Cool and straightforward.” Joshua held a satisfied smile on his face, “One of the characteristics of his ideal type. It turned out better than I thought.”

“True... I’ve never seen him fooling around or flirt with someone, he liked to be clear with his crushes.” Minghao wondered aloud. Soonyoung took all his partners seriously, let it be a crush or an official girl/boyfriend. Perhaps it was in his genes that he hated complexities.

“The question is, how did you know?” Jihoon stared at the eldest suspiciously.

“That, my friend, ” Joshua held his index finger on his lips, “is a secret.” He smirked which the other boys rolled their eyes at.

“Nevermind this creep, we should be talking about what you’re going to wear instead.” Hansol declared as he walked towards his wardrobe, “I gathered some clothes you may like since last time, wanna have a look? Minghao can help on picking.”

“Sure.”

“Seungcheol’s having dinner with me and Hansol tonight to plan for... you know. You guys want to join?” Joshua asked the boys.

“I’ll go, I owe him a thanks.” Jihoon answered.

“I really want to but I have dance practise later today and will be having dinner with them.” Minghao apologized, “You know Jihoon-hyung, you really should watch our dance practise some day in the future, and get closer to Soonyoung maybe.”

“You know what?” Joshua suddenly chimed in before Jihoon could answer, “Let’s get Soonyoung to invite Jihoon to his dance practises.” Hansol saw the familiar glimmer in his eyes whenever he was planning something _fun_.

When will this ‘getting others together’ thing stop? He wondered, but at the same time, he couldn’t deny he actually loved it judging by the growing grin on his face.

This is going to be fun. The two americans shared a glance, a silent agreement formed in the air in no time.

 

///

 

Minghao was chatting with Jun when his phone beeped twice. He frowned at the message before turning to face his boyfriend, “I have to leave for a bit, you could start practising first when Soonyoung and Chan arrive.” The other boy simply nodded and let go of his boyfriend‘s hand he was holding.

“I’ll be back in a while.” Minghao said once more before leaving the practise room. The reassurance was unnecessary. Jun knew it was a signal, but he simply ignored it.

Soonyoung and Chan arrived some time later, “Where’s Minghao?” The red hair boy questioned as he settled the amplifier on the ground.

“He said he have to leave for a bit.” Jun shrugged nonchalantly, but Soonyoung know him enough to know he’s hiding his emotions and frowned.

“I heard him calling someone near the staircase when I came.” Chan interrupted, “I don’t know what he was talking, nor who he was talking to since he’s speaking in chinese.” Jun frowned slightly at the statement, it’s been some time since Minghao was acting weird… He wonder if there’s something to do with his family.

“I’m asking him about whatever shit he was going through.” Jun shot his head up at Soonyoung’s statement. The boy was already making an exit through the door.

“Don’t.” He quickly called out, scrambling on his feet in the quickest way possible, “Don’t ask him anything, Soonyoung, please.” He walked towards the boy and pulled him back.

“And?” Soonyoung scowled at the strength of Jun’s grip, “Let him face whatever he is facing himself? And let you worry about him without him knowing endlessly?” He grunted.

Jun tightened his grip, “Please.” He simply repeated without any reasoning.

Their eyes fixated on each others for a spell before Soonyoung sighed, “Fine.” He gave in, “But just one more week. If you two still couldn’t get your things together, I’ll get him to spill everything out by all means.” He threatened.

“Thanks.”

“Have you guys started?” Minghao’s voice came from behind.

Jun released Soonyoung’s arm and shook his head slightly as an answer to his question, “Everything fine?”

“Yah.” Minghao replied simply, kneeling down to connect his phone to the amplifier on the floor, “Are we going to start a new song or refine the old ones today.” He asked as he scrolled down the playlist of his phone, not lifting his head to look at Jun directly.

“There’s a song I want to try.” Jun gave up staring at his boyfriend for answers and sat down beside Minghao.

“I got a song I want to try as well.” Chan beamed in, “Can we try that today? I’ve been watching videos of the song a whole week hyung.” He begged.

Jun turned to look at Soonyoung and Minghao showing he doesn’t mind, he’s not someone who would insist on what he want, only if it’s something really important. Most of the time he just goes with the flow.

“We’ll do Chan’s song today then, and maybe we can try yours out tomorrow?” Soonyoung decided. Jun nodded in response as he stood up, helping Minghao up at the same time, “Sure.”

 

///

 

“Cheol-hyung.” Seungcheol was spacing out when Hansol’s voice snapped him back to reality.

“Hey, Cheol.” Joshua motioned Hansol to sit next to Seungcheol and sat on the opposite side of the table himself.

“Hey.” Seungcheol handed them the menus, only to notice an unfamiliar face settling down on the remaining seat.

“Hi, Seungcheol-hyung. I’m Jihoon, I wanted to thank you in person so I came, I hope you won’t mind.” The pastel-pink hair boy greeted.

“Ofcourse I won’t.” The eldest smiled warmly, “I heard your name from this two a lot.”

Jihoon sent the two boys sideway glances before looking back at Seungcheol, “Please don’t believe them.” He paused for a moment to think, “Perhaps I could tell you how Hansol once got drunk and spilled on Joshua’s be-”

“Hyung!” The younger protested, “We’ve never said anything bad about you.”

“Whatever.” Jihoon just shrugged.

“And he got kicked out by me for the rest of the month.” Joshua finished the sentence, ignoring the pout on Hansol’s face, “Are we going to order? I’m starving.” He wailed.

Seungcheol laughed and signalled the waiter. The food came soon after they ordered. The four ate as they chatted, landing on random topics. It’s obvious that Jihoon and Seungcheol clicked well, they were both fond of music producing and even made a promise to collaborate in the future. It didn’t take long for the four to remember the original purpose of the gathering though and Hansol was being blamed, again.

“You said you what?”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Hansol pleaded for forgiveness, “But we figured out a solution.” He quickly added.

“I’m not sure if this helps, but I gave Jeonghan a surprise yesterday.” Seungcheol wondered, “Perhaps it would be less suspicious?”

“No it won’t.” Joshua took a bite of his pizza, “There’s a chance he would believe we aren’t planning for a surprise but he’ll still try to figure it out. We planned to do fake a ‘favour’ to make Han believe you wanted us for something other than a surprise… We still haven’t asked you what you want from us exactly, have we?” He tilted his head.

“Actually.” Seungcheol started off, “I want to propose… before next month.”

To say the three boys were stunned was an understatement. Quietness thickened as Seungcheol grew uneasy from the intense stares. Joshua was the first to gather his senses back, he cleared his throat before speaking, “May I ask why all of a sudden? Next month is, like, ten days later?”

“Eight days to be exact.” The brunette’s eyes dimmed at the thought, “That may be the last chance for me to do so.”

Hansol frowned a bit as he turned his head to Seungcheol, but was met with warning eyes of Joshua telling him not to push. He pursed his lips and swallowed his questions.

“I can help, to return a favour.” Jihoon grinned at the older boy.

“Thanks.” Seungcheol smiled back.

“You got an idea, don’t you.” Hansol noticed the growing smirk on Joshua’s face, “C’mon, speak up Josh.” He urged.

“I was thinking to compose a song for proposal ourselves and make a choreography for it. A simple one that gets straight to people’s heart. You two can do this, right?” Joshua beckoned.

The two looked at each other, “The first part doesn’t seem to be a problem, but is dancing necessary? I mean, I can dance, but not choreograph.” Seungcheol pointed out.

“But someone can.” Hansol’s face lit up once he understood what Joshua was thinking, “Jihoon-hyung can ask for his help.” He gave Joshua a secret thumb-up which the later replied with a triumphant grin.

“I… guess?” The uncertainty didn’t cover the graciousness blossoming on his face. Preparing a song together means more excuses to spend with his crush longer naturally and that’s what he needed most.

“What are you two going to do then.” Seungcheol gestured the americans, “I thought you were the ones who owe me a favour?”

“Oops, I thought we won’t get caught.” Joshua let out an embarrassed chuckle, “But Cheol, I’m having a test next week and Hansol have a project to submit.” He faked a pout. Seungcheol, however, just ignored and went into his thoughts, “You two have to be involved in something anyway, to get Jeonghan believe you’re helping me on something else…”

“Let’s just come up with something later, time’s still pretty sufficient.” Hansol interrupted, “Just spare me two to three days to deal with my project, or Minghao would kill me with his nunchucks.”

“Sounds fair.”

The four were soon bidding each other ‘goodbye’ s at the front of the shop and went on separated paths, Seungcheol to his home and the university students to their own dorms.

“You better finish your project within two days while they focus on the music production, then we’ll discuss the details and work things out for the rest of the time.” Joshua told Hansol on their way, “My test is on Tuesday so it shouldn’t matter too much.”

“I’ll try my best, it’s possible but I don’t guarantee anything.” Hansol replied. He was glad that he was working with MInghao this time, their project was planned to finish on Thursday. If it was only him, he probably barely started anything, “Do you know what’s with Jeonghan-hyung by the way?”

“No.” Joshua shook his head slightly, “He was weird since yesterday when I talked to him.”

“You mean how he left once I arrived our dorm? What were you talking about then?”

“It’s… nothing.” The elder muttered. Hansol took note of how the boy looked away from him awkwardly, he decided to remain quiet despite the eagerness to know as the other seemed deep into his thoughts.

 

_“Why are you suddenly so aggressive? It’s not like you, Han. You never forced me to do something I don’t want to.”_

_“Because I suddenly realize time waits for no one. It’s been years Shua, why can’t you muster up your courage and make a move?”_

_“No, not now, Han. Not now. There’s someon-” The sound of keys shattering and door clicking came from behind._

_“Hi Jeonghan-hyung.”_

 

“Time waits for no one.” He whispered. “What?” Hansol turned his head around to face an expressionless Joshua. “I guess I know what’s bothering them.” He gave the younger a sad smile, “Cheol’s right, he doesn’t have time.”


	4. Hour Glass

> If the end could be another start, and the start a countdown to another end, would you stake yourself for it?

Jeonghan walked into the coffee shop Seungcheol owned as usual, only to find Wonwoo and Joshua in the counter. He gave a questioning look when the later spotted him.

“Cheol’s off for something.” Joshua replied, “Remember that favour he asked me and Hansol for? He wanted us to watch his shop for a couple of days. Hansol is going back home today so, I’m here.” He received Seungcheol’s text early this morning when he woke up. The elder should be grateful that he was a morning person.

“What is he off for? He didn’t tell me about that.”

“Morning, Jeonghan-hyung, as usual?” Wonwoo’s voice came from the counter before Joshua could respond. The later mouthed Wonwoo a ‘thanks’ and took the chance to sneak away, leaving Jeonghan’s question unanswered.

“Yes, thank you.” Jeonghan turned his head towards to counter and replied, only to find his friend nowhere in sight when he turned back. His phone rang at the perfect timing.

“Mom? ...Everything is well prepared, don’t worry… I’ll do that later today. Ok, bye.” He hung the phone and sighed.

“Hyung, your coffee.” Wonwoo handed him his cup of coffee. 

“Thanks, help me tell Shua I won’t be able to have lunch with him today and remind him not to overwork as he promised me to. I have to go now, bye.” The blonde said and left in a hurry.

“You heard that?” Wonwoo turned to the direction of the counter where Joshua stood up. The later’s eyes glued on the vanishing figure, “Yah.” He said, not noticing another man approaching from behind that he jumped a bit when the invader spoke.

“Hi Shua-hyung, I didn’t expect you to be here.” Mingyu greeted cheerfully.

“Me either.” Joshua turned around to greet the younger, “What do you want? You won’t be able to get a coffee from me another day.” He joked.

“What an honour.” The taller boy chuckled, “But I prefer getting mine from Wonwoo.” He sent Wonwoo a wink who smiled back, “I’d have to get some beans from the store room first, will be back in a little while.” He said before leaving the counter and head to the store room which was actually just a few steps from where he was.

Joshua laughed, “Penalty for rejecting me. You’ll have to wait, little one.” He mocked.

“Time’s what I got most.” The other took his usual sit at the counter, obviously not caring about the nickname, “I got nothing to do on Saturdays anyway, even if I do, I could just give them up for Wonwoo.” He smiled fondly.

Joshua winced and shivered at the statement, “Ew, that’s…”

“Sweet.” Came another voice owned by no other than Wonwoo who came back from the store room and got in the counter, “Cold Americano right?” He questioned but was already taking out the coffee beans required out of habit.

“You know me best.” Mingyu smuggly grinned, eyes fixed on his boyfriend.

“Why must I witness this.” Joshua turned his sight to the ceiling to avoid being struck blind, “Luckily I’m only working here till tomorrow.” He muttered to no one in specific.

“Go and find Hansol if you want accompany.” Wonwoo said nonchalantly, “I thought you two do everything together.”

“We don’t.” Joshua deadpanned, to be honest, they hang out in the coffee shop most of the time when they were together, and that’s the only place Wonwoo would see them, so. “Plus, I won’t be here if he’s free.” He lowered his head and returned washing the dishes, “I don’t even have to be here if it wasn’t him.”

“I thought you were dating?” There was a hint of amusement in Mingyu’s voice which Joshua frowned at.

“We’re not, where did that come from?”

“You mean,  _ still _ not.”

Joshua sent Wonwoo a glare and rubbed the dish with more force, “not, still not, whatever. We _ will  _ not date anyway.”

“And why?”

“Because none of us is in love with the other apparently.” Joshua rolled his eyes at the two.

The coupled shared a glance an unsaid ‘How is this apparent’ in the air. Wonwoo handed Mingyu his iced americano with a shrug, meaning he knew nothing about the americans real situation.

“Sorry hyung, but you don’t have to be that… offended.” Mingyu ended up with an apologize. He wasn’t here for a fight.

“No, I should be sorry, I was overreacting. I’m just… thinking too much these days.” Joshua regained his composure and smiled at the two reassuringly, drying the last plate and left the counter to clean the tables.

“What’s wrong?” Mingyu mouthed, sipping from his coffee.

“All I know is Jeonghan-hyung is leaving to the States early next month and Cheol-hyung wants to propose.” Wonwoo whispered.

“That doesn’t explain why he looks so stressed? It seems there’s other things bothering him.”

“God knows what’s in his mind. I mean, we’re close, but not that close for him tell me his recent thoughts or problems.” Wonwoo eyed the boy, “I doubt he would tell anyone though.” Wonwoo worked for Seungcheol as a part time barista since his first year and had seen Joshua and Hansol around a lot. They eventually became closer, but if Wonwoo had to grade how close they were, it would be somewhere between normal friends and close friends.

“We could help him on what we know then?” Mingyu wondered aloud, “I heard they are preparing together for the proposal, we could help them on that?"   
  
Wonwoo nodded, “Ya, but make sure not to break anything." He teased the younger   
  
"Hey, I'm not always clumsy.” Mingyu pouted, smacking his boyfriend lightly as he did.   
  
Wonwoo laughed, “Not always, you're just the definition of clumsy yourself.”   


“Well…” Mingyu turned his eyes, “At least I'm not when I handle you.” He said, getting the elder to blush as he wanted.   
  
“Shut up and drink your coffee.”   
  
It was his turn to laugh this time, "You like it. Want a sip?"   
  
Wonwoo smiled and leaned in, only to meet with a pair of lips instead of the straw. He pulled away instantly, "People's watching." He shoved the other boy.   
  
There was a triumphant smile on the younger's face, ignoring the blame, "Who cares."

Behind them, Joshua turned his line of sight to the loving couple, expression unreadable. He stared at the couple for some time. A taste of bitterness forming at the tip of his tongue. He remembered his conversation with Jeonghan earlier.

_ “Why can’t you muster up your courage and make a move?” _

_ “Not now, Han. Not now.” _

_ Because I can’t. _

_ At least, I could make my friends happy.  _ His last thought before sighing to himself with a smile and resumed cleaning. 

 

///

 

_ Time has proven your importance to me. _

_ Now that I can hold you in my arms, _

_ I guess I’m qualified to ask you this. _

 

“Why did you stop? It’s pretty good.” Jihoon lifted his head from the lyrics sheet and paused the music. They are now in the studio Jihoon owned, working on the song for proposal.

“I don’t know.” Seungcheol shook his head, looking distressed,  “I feel like something’s missing… Like, it is a good song for proposal, but it doesn’t sound like  _ my  _ proposal song for Han.”

Jihoon read the lyrics again and nodded, “I see your point. What about we keep the first verse and change the lyrics for the second, including things that symbolizes your relationship with him?”

“Ok…” Seungcheol picked up the pen. He sighed finding himself not knowing how to start, “I have never wrote lyrics for songs before, I just did it for raps.”

“We can add a melody rap if you want to. Or… you could tell me your story and I’ll help you on the lyrics writing?”

“Can we do both?” Seungcheol asked, “I want to write something to him myself.”

“Sure, now let’s start with the story.” JIhoon motioned.

Seungcheol cleared his throat awkwardly, “What do you want to hear?” 

“Everything.”

“Let’s start with this…” Seungcheol pulled out a pocket watch from his jeans, “Are you a bit too eager to hear my story?” Seungcheol scanned the shorter boy who sat up and leaned forward with eyes of anticipation.

“Don’t mind that, just start.”

“Fine.”

 

///

 

Jeonghan sighed at the almost-empty space. 

_ Finally. _ He thought to himself.

He had packed most of the things in boxes and sent the unnecessaries back to his home in Hyangnam-eup. The spaciousness gave him the realization that he’d be leaving soon.

Most of the items on the preparation list were done: getting his student visa, finding a house in Los Angeles, confirming important dates with the institute and stuff. But the most important thing was still left undone. He buried his head in his bed and let out a frustrated moan.

How was he going to tell his friends and lover he’s leaving to Los Angeles in eight days? He could imagine Joshua blaming him how late he told them the news, Hansol’s face with disbelief, and Cheol… he must be disappointed.

He turned to lay supine on the bed, lifting his fingers to touch the pocket watch hanging over his neck and sighed again. Do I have all your future time like you promised, Cheol?

 

///

 

Seungcheol gently rubbed the surface of pocket watch as he slowly drifted into memory.

“We met in the same class we shared, but weren’t friends at that time, just familiar faces you see often in the campus. My roommate graduated in my second year and I was paired up with another one, who appeared to be Jeonghan. It started there.

“We grew closer, shared memories, nothing really memorable but everyday was happy. I was in love with another girl at that time and Jeonghan knew it. The day she started dating someone else, he came to comfort me and suddenly blurted out a confession.” Seungcheol held a pamper smile on his face as he remembered the day.

“To say I was shocked was an understatement. I thought he was fooling around, and saying nonsense to cheer me up. But...”

_ “You’re not serious right? You just said that to comfort me don’t you?” Seungcheol smiled a bit. _

_ He was sitting under a tree in the schools garden while Jeonghan was standing in front of him, “I know I must look like a loser here but you don’t have to tell me you love me to cheer me up Han. It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t deserve love.” He said with his head hanging down. _

_ He felt a shadow over him and lifted up his head to find Jeonghan staring straight at him, hands crossed, “Don’t you dare saying that again.” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Say you don’t deserve love.” Jeonghan leaned closer all of a sudden, smashing his lips on the brunette’s. It was just lips touching but Seungcheol was too shock to move or progress what’s happening.  _

_ He was kissed. By his friend. _

_ The two remained in the same position, noone moving to deepen the kiss or to detach their lips, until Jeonghan pulled away with a smile, “I love you. And I’m not saying that because you’re a loser. I’m saying that because I do.” _

_ “But I-” _

_ “You don’t have to answer me now,” Jeonghan shushed the elder, “I know you don’t like me… yet.” He lowered his head to fumble for something in his backpack and handed it to Seungcheol, “I’ll wait though, until you could tell me the same phrase.” _

“He handed me a pocket watch and told me he’ll wait until I can give me an answer and left. It was only then I started to view him as a lover than a friend, and before I knew, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.”

“I realized I was starting to grow feelings for him, and because I know our feelings were mutual, it was pretty easy to decide to confess.” He chuckled, a bit embarrassed of the fact that he was the passive one in the relationship.

“How?” Jihoon tilted his head, writing down scribbles of inspirations he got as he listened.

“I bought another pocket watch that matches with mine, told him he has all my future feelings and time in his hands.” The elder scratched his neck bashfully, recalling how flustered he was.

“And why must you propose next… Friday?”

The brunette sighed, “He’s leaving on the day after, to Los Angeles for further studies. He doesn’t know I figured though - I saw his message from his mother accidentally one day. I guess Joshua figured it out as well, Han always wanted to study psychology master after graduation, he stayed only for Joshua.”

“What’s that about Shua-hyung?” Jihoon frowned. He knew Joshua suspended from school around three years ago, but the reason behind? Even Hansol didn’t dare to ask.

“You better ask him yourself, I don’t think I should tell you without him knowing.” Seungcheol replied, “Even I don’t know the details. Joshua’s… really stubborn on things like this.”

“Right, sorry. Let’s get back to the lyrics.” Jihoon handed Seungcheol the paper he had been writing bits and pieces on, “Are you nervous? About proposing?” His thoughts unconsciously drifted to Soonyoung. The boy he had finally officially met and was going on a date two days later. Would there be a day when they would commit themselves to each other?

“I don’t know. Han didn’t even tell me about him leaving, I don’t know what he want to do with us.” Seungcheol smiled sadly, “I thought of all the possible scenarios and the only one I want, is to maintain our relationship, so I told myself, ‘If Han is insecure of our relationship, I’ll give him a life-long promise. Tell him all the hardships in a long-distance relationship won’t bother us.’ And here we are.”

“He’ll understand.” Jihoon patted the others shoulder comfortingly, “I can tell you two are deeply in love with each other. He just needs time to make up his mind, and that’s what the least thing he lacks.” The elder gave him a questioning look.

“Because you got all your time reserved for him, don’t you.” Jihoon pointed to one of the paragraphs on the paper.

 

_ The upper deck of the hour glass is almost clear, _

_ but we could always turn it around and restart the counting. _

_ On the whole new page of our story. _

_ And I’ll be here waiting, like how you waited for me, _

_ To take this ring and say you own me. _


	5. Compasses

> Everyone have a compass in mind that shows them the correct direction, but what if multiple compasses were put together? When the North’s no longer the North and the South’s not the South you thought it was. Perhaps, there was never a ‘right way’.

“One, two, three, four and five! Chan you’re half beat slower.” Soonyoung sent the youngest a glare through the mirror.

“Sorry hyung.” Chan cooly apologized, he was used to that, Soonyoung wasn’t really scolding him anyway. Seokmin sitting at the back of the dance room, however, gave Soonyoung a disapproving shook.

“Lee Seokmin, I can see you from the mirror.”

“It was meant to let you see.”

“And why? Must you disturb our practise like that? Why are you even here in the first place?” Soonyoung sounded annoyed, but the others all know he didn’t mean it. He would transform into another person whenever it came to dancing.

“I thought I may see new faces.” Seokmin pouted, “You know, the boy you kept rattling about for the past few days.”

Soonyoung’s expression conspicuously softened at the mention of the boy, “I’m only meeting him on Monday.”

“Why would people choose to date on a school day to be honest.” Jun deadpanned, taking the chance to rest as he dropped himself on the floor, “Don’t they usually go on weekends?”

“Because he have dance practise with us obviously.” Chan interrupted, “Soonyoung-hyung is the definition of workaholic.”

“Jihoon-hyung’s not free today anyway.” Minghao sat down next to Jun, handing the elder a bottle of water.

“And how did you know?” Soonyoung lifted his eyebrow.

“He’s my friend’s friend, I kind of heard about him working on a collaboration with someone this weekend. Oh by the way,” He grabbed the water bottle back from Jun and drank from it before continuing, “do you know Jihoon-hyung goes by the alias Woozi?” Soonyoung froze at the statement.

“Woozi? That cute guy from fourth year? He… actually not him, my friend invited me to sing for one of his songs before.” Seokmin moved closer to the four now that they were all sitting on the floor, except Soonyoung, “No wonder this guy is so whipped, Woozi’s really cute.”

“I heard rumours saying he’s cruel?” Chan questioned.

“Only when it comes to music, you know, like how Soonyoung becomes really strict on dancing.” Minghao replied, eyeing the standing boy, “Also when someone says his cute though. I talked to him a few times, he’s actually pretty easy-going, and cool.”

Seokmin nodded, “Charisma radiates from him when he sits in the studio, hyung you have to see it, like really.” He elbowed Soonyoung who still haven’t gather his sense back.

“Oh my god.” The boy mouthed dramatically that the other four could understand easily, “He’s _the_ Woozi?” He remembered mentioning Woozi in their conversation… _so that blush wasn’t the light._ He found his lips quirking up at the thought of Jihoon’s cute reaction and humbleness.

“Yah, and you’re _the_ Hoshi, it’s not like you’re not used to meeting famous people in the college, we got two here.” Jun beckoned Seokmin and Chan. Soonyoung laughed it off, settling on the floor as well, deciding not to tell them the reason behind his overreaction. They didn’t have to know how cute his Jihoon was.

“Says the legendary couple who slayed last years talent show with their dance.” Seokmin shot back.

“Only the dance got famous.” Minghao defended, “I doubt anyone still remember it one year from now.”

“Hyung, go and take a look at the school forum.” Chan deadpanned, “the video’s always on the top 10 most viewed performances there.”

“At least we won’t be asked phone numbers when we walk down the hallways.” Soonyoung sent the youngest a wink. Chan blushed at the statement, unable to retort. It wasn’t his fault to be popular ever since his first appearance in last year’s showcase as a new member of the dancing team… perhaps it’s his parents to be blamed.

“Stop praising each other, the dance team itself is popular in school.” Seokmin interrupted, the other boys gave him a look. “Well of course I am as well.” He added with a toothy grin, and they all burst into laughters.

“Let’s get back to Woozi, what are you two going to do on Monday?”

“We’ll decide after we meet at the coffee shop Jun recommended.” Soonyoung replied, eyes widening as realization hit him, “I don’t even have his phone number.”

“When did I-” Jun felt Minghao pinching his thigh and stopped abruptly, sending the younger a questioning look. The later just ignored, “I can ask my friend for it if you need it.” He quickly said to get the other’s attention off Jun’s unfinished question.

“Nevermind, I’ll ask him for that in Monday. It seems more sincere.” Soonyoung waved his hands, “I owe you one for this, Hao. If it’s not you I may not have met him.” He said with a fond smile.

“I guess you should thank my groupmate who ruined the project.” Minghao comfortably laid himself on Jun, giggling in the inside as he remembered how Hansol and Joshua set the two up. He wonder what Joshua would do with those contacts he gave him the other day. He’s looking forward.

 

///

 

“Shua-hyung, the table nearest to the door.” Wonwoo pushed two cups of coffee towards Joshua, “I thought you said you’re only working till yesterday.”

“Hansol’s not done with his project yet.” Joshua replied as he inserted straws in the cups.

“But I thought your test is tomorrow?”

“I got sufficient time tonight.” He shrugged, “It’s not like I just started revision these few days anyway.”

“Oh… sacrificing for your-”

“Shut up.” Joshua hissed, turning away, only to feel defeated when Wonwoo continued, “I was going to say friend, hyung, don’t be so offended.” He could vision the other stifling a laugh from behind him without turning around.

He set the coffees on the desk owned by no other than Soonyoung and Jihoon, who were talking, and left.

“I can help, but I thought we were suppose to go on a date today.” Soonyoung pouted, in a way that was too cute for Jihoon to handle, “We could do that another day, I’ll… think of a way to compensate?”

“Pinky promise.” Still pouting, the red hair boy held out his pinky.

“Promise.” Jihoon felt a rush of heat on his cheeks as their fingers touch, not noticing the triumphant smile on the other boys face that resembles a fox.

“Let’s head to your studio then?”

“Sure, I’ll call Cheol-hyung. I could show you the song before he arrive.”

 

///

 

Soonyoung never knew the chance to see Jihoon in a studio came so fast, and the only he could think was - _damn Seokmin’s right,_ the boy looked really cool and charismatic when he work that he didn’t really pay attention to the music.

“What do you think?” Jihoon’s voice snapped him back to reality.

“What? Sorry, I was… distracted by some other things.” Jihoon blushed at the statement, noticing the elder was looking at him straightly when he said ‘some other things’.

“I- I’ll play you the song again.” He stuttered as he managed to click the start button without dropping the mouse.

The song started off bright and soothing, with drums and guitars at the background, there was a slight drop before music gets in again, “That’s where the rap starts.” Jihoon explained.

The second part is slightly slower than the first, drum beats went deeper and slower and were gradually replaced by a short melody by piano. Jihoon explained that the piano was for the last verse of the song after the rapping.

“This part is kinda… sad?” Soonyoung questioned, “I thought a proposal song would be all bright and happy.”

“Not for this one.”

Jihoon turned around to see the owner of the voice, “Cheol-hyung.”

Seungcheol nodded before turning to Soonyoung again, “You’re Hoshi right? Thanks for agreeing to help.”

“It’s nothing.” Soonyoung smiled, “Just call me Soonyoung.”

“Have Jeonghan-hyung told you anything yet?” Jihoon asked as Seungcheol sat next to the producer. The later replied with a shake of his head, “I doubt if he would tell me.”

“Perhaps he’s thinking how to tell you?” Soonyoung had heard about Seungcheol and Jeonghan when Jihoon found him for help. There was a hint of hesitant in his words as he doesn’t really know any one of the couple beforehand, but he knew he won’t be able to bear his lover hiding things from him. He glanced at Jihoon at the thought. He met the boy a few days ago and wouldn’t deny he was attracted to him, but would he be able to commit himself to the other for an uncertain future? He couldn’t answer.

As if to answer his question, Jihoon smiled a little and patted Seungcheol at the back, “Let’s not think too much about the future, all you have to do is to do your best to impress him. Leave the rest to time and you’ll eventually have your answers.”

“Thanks.” The brunette smiled back before standing up, “Let’s move on to the recording… Are you going to choreograph here?” He asked Soonyoung.

“I’ll think about the brief idea while you record, then we could head to my dance studio later. Can I ask a few more friends to help? I got some ideas when I listened to it just then, and I thought it would be better if there’s more people.” Soonyoung replied.

“If they won’t feel bothered.”

“They won’t. We always gather suddenly just because someone sends a dance video or a song to the group and say he wanted to try it out.” Soonyoung explained, “Some of them might have classes but I’m pretty sure they’d be free after that. Plus, this song is good.” He sent Jihoon a wink which the other blushed faintly. Jihoon cleared his throat from the embarrassment before turning to Seungcheol, “Let’s start.”

 

///

 

The recording finished off smoothly and the three headed to the dance studio. Chan already arrived and the four settled themselves on the floor, forming a circle. Minghao and Jun came a but later, followed by Hansol.

“Why are you here?” Jihoon eyed the half-american.

“I was with Minghao when he received the message, so I decide to join the preparation as well.” Hansol replied as he glanced around the studio with curiosity. The room was extremely bright with mirrors on three of the walls, a shoe cabinet next to the door and lockers where they place their bags, clothes for change and stuff, “This place is really big.” Hansol said in amusement as he joined the circle, “Bears comparison with your studio hyung. The school’s really generous to high achievers.”

“Why do I find bitterness in this sentence?” Seungcheol mocked, earning a punch from the younger, “You’re done with your project?”

“Should be done by tomorrow, thanks to Minghao.” Hansol beckoned his friend, who smiled shyly in return.

Minghao’s phone rang at the moment, he checked the caller number and gave the others a apologetic smile, before standing up to leave the room.

Soonyoung noticed how Jun’s expression turned serious for a moment and frowned, “How long has he been this weird? A month?” He asked the Chinese boy.

“Two weeks and a half.” Jun replied absentmindedly, eyes glued on the closed door.

“And you’re not doing anything about it?”

“Soonyoung, I told you I’m not doing anything. And the same goes to you. You promised me.” Jun turned his head to face the others, “He chose not to tell me because he didn’t want me to worry about him. Then I’ll do what he wants me to. Pretend I am clueless about things until he’s willing to tell me.” He replied, fingers unconsciously rubbing his pants when he spoke.

“But what if he’s in trouble? You have the right to at least know what’s happening.” Soonyoung pointed out. To be honest, he would had cornered Minghao and asked him whatever he was hiding weeks ago if it wasn’t for Jun who requested him to let Minghao deal with his own stuff.

Sure, Jun promised to solve it within a week, but he knew the chinese boy won’t allow him to do anything even if the situation lasts.

“I agree with Soonyoung-hyung for this.” Hansol piped in, “I don’t really like the feeling of being clueless of what others are experiencing, it’s like being untrusted and helpless. I mean, even if I can’t help, I could at least show him I’m with him.”

“It’s just a different way to show your love.” Seungcheol joined the discussion, “You feel untrust when they hide something from you while they’ll feel the same if you push them too far. I rather pretend I don’t know anything and do my best to make him happy when I’m around him, then he’d gain the strength to deal with whatever problem he’s facing.” His line of sight drifted to the pocket watch hanging over his neck again, rubbing the surface slightly.

“But I thought lovers should be honest to each other, if everything needs to be guessed in the relationship, one of you will get tired eventually.” Jihoon felt a sudden guilt stirring up in his chest when Soonyoung argued. Not telling him their encounterment was planned doesn’t count as a lie, does it? It’s not really a big deal anyway.

“It worths.” Jun simply stated as he turned his gaze back to the door of the dance room.

Seungcheol saw the disagreements on the youngers face and chuckled a bit, “You two will understand when you get into a relationship.” Soonyoung subconsciously turned to Jihoon who happened to be glancing at him as well, the two awkwardly shifted gazes as Seungcheol continued, “You’ll think a lot more, especially how your partner feels about your actions… I guess Minghao is also undergoing inner conflicts himself.” He said as he remembered Jeonghan, it must be a hard time for him as well. He should try to give his lover more trust.

Hansol turned hi head to Seungcheol then Jun, he saw the exhaustion on their face and remembered what Jun said earlier - _It worths_ . He furrowed his brows, _does it really worth? There should be a better way out._ He still couldn’t understand, but he respected their decision and chose not to say anything further.

“I understand.” Chan suddenly said, causing others to turn to him with a surprising look.

“How?” “You do?” “Chan is even more mature than you seniors.”

Different voices came bursting out but one question stood out.

“Our Channie is in a relationship?”

Chan felt uneasy by all the attention he was suddenly receiving, “N-no! Where did that come from? I was just reminded of my family. How we always tell our parents everything is fine, we’re not stressed... the intention is the same.” He explained, “You know the feel that our parents actually knows everything but stays quiet as well? It’s how they show support to us.”

There was a moment of silence, each of them thinking about different things that revolved around the same theme until Soonyoung turned to Chan again, “You’re really not dating?”

Chan felt defeated, “I’m not.” He snapped as the others burst into laughters. Minghao came in at the moment, dumbfounded by the situation. Jun pulled him slightly and motioned him to sit, “What are you laughing at?”

“Chan’s dating.” Jun replied.

“No I’m not, enough with that hyung.” Chan buried his heads in his palm in embarrassment.

Soonyoung laughed at the younger's cute reaction, “Yeah you’re not, c’mon let’s starts with the dance.”


	6. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some apologies are said to plead forgiveness, while others are simply to repay things they couldn’t pay back. Well, there are also some for pranks.

> Sorry. I know this couldn’t change things but it’s the only thing I could come up with.

“Kwan, I brought you cola… what’s this?” Hansol took the lunchbox from Seungkwan’s hands, “Our Seungkwan who’s living alone and doesn’t know how to cook is eating a self-made lunchbox? Who gave it to you?”

It was lunchtime. Hansol and Seungkwan were having lunch at their usual spot in the rooftop of the school. They enjoyed eating on the staircases and the breeze and sunlight of a winter afternoon.

The shorter snatched his lunch back, “It’s none of your business Sol.” He hissed as he grabbed the can of cola from Hansol.

“How could my best friend’s love life be none of my business?” Hansol dropped himself next to Seungkwan, “Who is it? You never told me about your crushes.” He pouted and looked at Seungkwan with puppy eyes.

The elder snorted, “I’m not telling you.”

“Why?” Hansol whined.

“I thought…” His facial expression softened, “you wouldn’t want to know.” Seungkwan poked his lunchbox with his chopsticks, averting eye contact with the boy.

Hansol settled his lunch on the staircase and kneeled down in front of Seungkwan, “Kwan, We’ve been through this.” He said with a gentle smile on his lips, “I’m fine with being friends, and the best thing you could repay me, is to be happy, with whoever you love and love you back.” He ruffled the older boy’s hair.

“Thanks Sol.” Seungkwan smiled. Hansol saw the pity in those dark eyes and felt his heart clenched but decided to ignore it.

“Your welcome.” He beamed, retreating to his original place, “Now tell me, who is that mysterious boy?” He elbowed the older.

“It’s… Seokmin.”

“The guy I almost crashed on earlier? He’s good looking and talented as well. I approve.”

“I don’t need your approval.” Seungkwan blushed, causing Hansol to laugh, “I, I think he likes me but we never confessed to each other.”

“Why not?” Hansol mumbled out the words.

“Don’t talk mouthful.” Seungkwan shot him a glare before setting down his lunch box and handed him the can of cola.

“Thanks.” Hansol said as he motioned Seungkwan to continue.

“I didn’t confess because I’m getting more and more uncertain about his love for me. It’s been a few months but he never made a move. What if everything was just wishful thinking? He was good to everyone and he used to like girls. I, I can’t risk losing him.” He lowered his sight on the lunch box, fingers rubbing the edge of it.

“Kwan, you got nothing to lose. I’m a good example.” Hansol cocked his eyebrows and gave him a wink.

“But, what if he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore? What if he hated me? What if-”

“No more ‘what if’s, Kwan. If anything you said comes true, he definitely does not worth your love.” Hansol wrapped the other boy’s hand in his, “Plus, this is a prove that he won’t hate you.” He eyed the lunchbox, “Seafood stew, that’s not what people usually make for normal friends.”

Seungkwan smiled fondly at his words, “I guess so.”

“Don’t guess, go find out the answer.” Hansol rolled his eyes, releasing the others hand to resume eating. 

“But I don’t know how?”

“Just go and tell him you-” Hansol suddenly stopped as he remembered something, “Well, I know someone who might have the best idea on loves issues.” He gave the puzzled boy a smug grin, “I’ll get him to reserve this weekend, he should be free then.”

“I thought we’re going to your home like every weekend?” Seungkwan inquired. Unlike Hansol, he was unable to go home every weekend since his home was in Jeju Island. Once Hansol invited him to his house and the two visiting his home every weekend became a routine since then.

“Sofia is joining a camp while my parents are off for a 3-day trip, without me apparently.” Hansol finished his lunch with a satisfied sigh, not slightly depressed by the fact that he was abandoned by his family.

“And your friend?”

“His family is in Los Angeles. He usually stays in the dorm during weekends. His name’s Joshua, or Hong Jisoo in Korean by the way. I think I mentioned him before in some of our conversations.”

“Ah, your roommate.” Seungkwan nodded, “I’ve seen him once in Jihoon-hyung’s studio, but we’re nothing near close… Wouldn’t it be weird for me to seek for his help?”

“He’ll be fine with that, probably more than fine.” He added remembering how his roommate was overly enthusiastic for the past week, “Now gobble up the love from your crush, lunch ends in fifteen minutes.” He gestured the lunchbox and smirked as the other boy’s face heat up.

 

///

Joshua stretched himself lazily on his seat, “Finally.” He said to no one in specific. 

“Finally what?” Hansol’s voice came from behind. Joshua turned to greet him and Soonyoung who was following behind the younger. 

“Test finally off my to-do list.” Joshua replied, gesturing the two to take a seat, “But still a long way to go before all of them could be crossed out.” Hansol laughed knowingly as he sat down. The two boys who first met exchanged names and started on a random topic.

“Who’s coming today?”

“Well…” Soonyoung took his phone out and checked the messages from the group chat, “Only Jun, the others have classes. We could start first if you want to, he won’t mind.”

Joshua yawned, “I can wait, catch up with some sleep by the meantime.” He said as he laid himself on the table, eyes fluttering shut.

“What about we get some coffee as we wait.” Hansol suggested, elbowing the elder, “What do you want? I’ll get it for you.”

“Hot americano.” Joshua replied with another yawn, not bothering to open his eyes, “Thanks.”

“Of course, why did I ask.” Hansol laughed a bit before turning to Soonyoung, “And you?”

“Hazelnut latte, and black coffee for Jun.”

“Why black coffee for me?” Came another voice. Jun dropped himself on a seat as he asked the red hair boy, “I don’t drink coffee, just get me a cup of water.” He told Hansol who nodded and walked off to the counter.

“Minghao said you recommended him black coffee from this shop.” Soonyoung frowned, “And what took you so long, our class ends at the same time.” He didn’t see how Joshua suddenly snapped awake at the statement, slowly pushing himself up from the table.

“What are you saying? It’s the first time I’m here, it took me some time to find the place.” Jun replied, “You know I don’t go to coffee shops often.”

 

_ “Why are you drinking black coffee? I thought you preferred latte.” _

_ “I- um- Jun. Recommended it.” _

_ “I only drink black coffee actually.” _

_ “We’re meeting in the coffee shop Jun recommended.” _

_ “When did I-” _

_ “I can give you his contact if you want.” _

“But-” Soonyoung wasn’t able to progress things and his mind was a mess. He caught sight of Joshua faked a few coughs to catch the attention of Hansol, who had just returned from the counter, standing behind Soonyoung, and attempted to converse through eye contacts. That was when everything in his mind clicked.

_ “I guess you should thank my groupmate who ruined the project.” _

“Looks like you two got stories to share.” He turned around and smiled at the pair harmlessly, “Mind telling me about it?”

 

///

 

Jihoon hesitantly placed his hand on the door knob of the coffee shop. He had ran all the way from his classroom to the coffee shop when he received the message from Hansol.

‘Sorry hyung, he found out.’ Five words, and that made the usually composed and cool Woozi sprint across the campus.

Reassuring himself he could deal with this, he squeezed the knob as if it will give him courage and pushed open the door.

He spot Soonyoung instantly just like he always did. The red hair boy was on the seat where he first ‘encountered’ him, immersed in his own thoughts. Jihoon was nervous just like that day, but things are different. He breathed out before walking near the boy with firm steps, “Soonyoung.” He called out the boy’s name. 

Said boy turned around, expression unreadable, “You’re here.” He said nonchalantly, pushing a cup of black coffee towards the boy.

Jihoon gingerly accepted it, not getting a single hint of what’s in Soonyoung’s mind. The other boy was staring at him with a blank expression that made Jihoon uneasy. He awkwardly took a sip of the coffee and cleared his throat, “You…”  _ Are you angry? Will you hate me? What do you want to do between us? _ But none of those escaped his lips.

There was a giggle from the taller, causing Jihoon to look at him, puzzled. Soonyoung had his arms crossed-ly placed on the table, stifling giggles with his head lowered.

Soonyoung wet his lips before lifting his head up again, “You’re cute.” He said.

“W-what?” Jihoon found himself clueless on where things were going.

“You’re cute.” The elder repeated, eyes forming perfect crescents.

“You’re… not angry?”

The smile faded, replaced by the blank expression he originally held, “I am.” Jihoon felt his heart sank at the change in expression, “...stop acting.” He forced himself to smile, but was still uncertain. Soonyoung remained staring at him blankly and seriously that the uncertainty grew in Jihoon.

_ He’s angry, really angr- _

“Pfft.” His thoughts were halted by the sudden outburst of laughter.

Graciousness reappeared on the boys face, “I wasn’t that bad am I?” He questioned as he drank from his mug of hazelnut latte.

“It’s not fun to play with others emotions Kwon Soonyoung.” Jihoon snapped, but it didn’t cover the blooming smile on his lips.

“So you did believe I’m angry?”

Jihoon pretended to think hard, “Well... perhaps a split second.” 

“Don’t lie, I know you’re flustered when you first came in the shop.” Soonyoung retorted, “It ruined when I started giggling, I could see through you.” He said with a prevailing smile.

“And you’re not mad?”

“At first, a bit.” Soonyoung admitted, “But I find myself more happy than mad.”

“Why?”

“Because…” He suddenly leaned in, causing Jihoon to move backwards, “I find you cute doing all those things for me.” He winked and sat back on his chair properly, leaving a blushing Jihoon still progressing what just happened. The later unnaturally went back to his original seating posture, not daring to look at the other boy.

“Don’t call me cute.” He muffled out in which Soonyoung replied with a chuckle.

“Hey.” He called softly. Jihoon eyed him with a questioning look, “You know how I used to hate people lying to me?”

“Y-yah.”

“But I found this funny instead, and there’s a spread of warmth in my chest. Like, I never knew someone could do things like this for me.” Soonyoung’s stares were fixated on the pink hair boy, chin settled on his own palm as he spoke.

“And?” Jihoon shifted on his chair slightly, feeling uncomfortable of those intense gazes.

“And I came into a conclusion.” Soonyoung put his hands down and rested it on his knees, expression suddenly serious. His black eyes looking into those of Jihoon so straightly that the other tensed up.

“Lee Jihoon.” He started, “I may still not know love, may still be unable to be as inclusive as Jun and Seungcheol, may be over dramatic and childish sometimes... but are you willing to accept me and teach me everything I need to know?”

Jihoon felt crinkles on the corner of his eyes because he was smiling so widely, “Of course.”

///

“I win, they’re officially together.” Hansol said triumphantly as he turned to his fellow american, only to find the other fast asleep on the table. He let out a muted ‘oops’ before carefully placing his jacket on the other.

He tiptoed back to his seat and sighed in satisfaction.  _ Only Cheol-hyung’s proposal in progress now. _ He thought to himself.  _ Josh must be really tired these days. _ He rested his heads and arms on the table as he examined the sleeping figure in front of him. As roommates, he had seen Joshua asleep almost everyday, but he never looked at him this close.

The brown locks of the elder laid over his forehead, covering his cat-like eyes where his eyelashes were elegantly attached. His face was small, with slightly tanned skin that looked perfect under the gloaming sunlight. There was a shade of crimson on his cheeks. Hansol frowned at that,  _ is it the light?  _ He held out his hand and touch the others cheeks only to find it burning.

“Shit.” He cursed as he quickly scrambled to the other side of the desk. He debated carrying the boy back to the dorm and waking him up. He decided to take the second option since he knew he wasn’t able to carry the elder back. Plus, Joshua would probably be awaken by him during the process.

“Josh.” He patted Joshua gently, “Josh, let’s get back to the dorm before you continue sleeping.” He whispered. 

Joshua slowly blinked his eyes opened, head fuzzy, “I fell asleep?” He muffled with a husky voice as he pushed himself up, almost tripping over as he did.

Hansol quickly offered the other his hand, “Careful there.” He helped Joshua up, “You have a fever idiot.” There was a hint of blame in his voice but more worries were heard. 

Joshua slowly found his balance with the help of Hansol, “No wonder my head aches... “ He murmured, evidently still half-conscious.

Hansol laughed a bit, “Let’s head to the dorm then you can have some proper sleep after taking pills.” He hummed half-mindedly.

The two got back to their dorm with Hansol supporting Joshua, avoiding him to trip over something and fall on the ground or suddenly faint, which luckily didn’t happen. Joshua was soon in his bed with Hansol sitting beside him with a cup of warm water and pills he lent from their neighbour in his hands since he failed to search for any in their dorm. Joshua’s usually the one who tidy things up, including Hansol’s.

Joshua half opened his eyes, “No pills.” He murmured with a small pout, probably done unconsciously judging by his current state, which Hansol found it cute. 

“You’ll get better faster with the pills.” Hansol crooned, gesturing the pill to the elder, “C’mon Josh, it’s just a pill for fever.”

Joshua muffled out inaudible words that sounded like ‘I don’t want pills’ or maybe something else, but took in the pill nonetheless, well, in a very unwilling way. Hansol placed the empty glass on the desk and grabbed a wet towel from the toilet to find Joshua drifted into sleep when he returned. He tucked the corner of the bed sheets and smiled softly. Joshua acted a lot more childish and softer when he’s sick, but he liked this side of his roommate.

Hansol ran his fingers through the brown locks and dabbed of the sweat with the towel before placing it on the forehead of the elder. 

“Sleep well Josh.” He whispered.

 

///

 

Jun was lying supine on his bed while thinking about what Joshua told him earlier in the coffee shop. Was he too passive in solving the problem?

 

_ “There’s one thing I think you should know though.” Joshua tapped his chin with his fingers, “About Minghao.” The other three shared glances before turning back to him, a silent urge for him to continue. _

_ “Remember that day he said he sent him a text message for the phone contacts?” Hansol nodded, “But I didn’t send him that message, I told him to give me the contacts before he brought Soonyoung to the coffee shop.” He continued. _

_ “What contacts?” Soonyoung asked, dumbfounded. _

_ Joshua brushed it off, “That’s out of our topic. The point is - he’s hiding something from us, maybe he encountered some difficulties or what.” He settled his chin in his palm, “I’m not close enough with him to ask him about that, but I guess you guys could at least pay more attention on him in case it is something serious or he needs help?” _

_ The other three exchanged looks, “Even Josh noticed that, should you at least ask him what happened?” Hansol suggested, “What if it’s really something serious?” _ _  
_

_ “We’ve talked about this last time Hansol, I’m not doing anything to push him.” Jun replied. _

_ Joshua lifted his eyebrows, they aren’t really clueless as he thought, “I think you should at least let him know you know.” He said, “Just to tell him you’ll be there if he needs a tree hole. In one way, this doesn’t break the trust between you two but he’ll understand he’s not alone in facing the problem. Plus, sometimes people remain silent because they don’t know where to start, it would be easier for them if you’re the one who bring up the topic.” _

His phone rang, calling him back to reality. In all the people he knew, it have to be Minghao who called. He gazed at the screen for a spell before picking it up.

“Hao?” He said in chinese, they used to speak in chinese when it was only them.

“Are you free now?” 

“I’m in the school garden now, I… got something to tell you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you thought Hansol and Joshua were finding ways to deal with the situation through eye contacts. I’ll tell you what - THEY WERE BETTING.


	7. Sailboat

> Winds and storms sometimes stops us from moving forward, but what if it leads us to a bay? Hands off the turning wheel and feel the wind. The sail will lead our way to our heart’s desire.

Jun found Minghao sitting on a bench in the centre of the garden from afar. He smiled at the sight of Minghao playing in his phone with an ice cream in his other hand. He skipped to his boyfriend from behind and snatched the ice cream away, causing the boy to jump.

“You’re scaring me Jun.” Minghao blamed but couldn’t hide his smile. 

Jun chuckled as he sat beside Minghao, not forgetting to take a bite of the ice cream. He quivered slightly at the iciness, “Ice cream on a winter day, you serious Hao?” He joked.

Minghao grabbed his food back, “You can choose not to eat it, plus, I’m in the mood of having an ice cream today, nothing can stop me from that.” He replied, finishing up the last bit of the desert enjoyably.

Jun rested himself on the bench, sighing in satisfaction as he felt the winter breeze carving through his hair, “Welcome back.” The sentence came out all of a sudden, but Minghao understood it at once.

“Thanks for being here.” He smiled as he rested himself on the bench like how Jun did , “My parents want me to return to China after I graduated, but I want to stay here, we kind of went through a long fight.” Minghao rubbed his fingers on his trousers. A bit embarrassed to talk about his fight with his family. It seemed like telling others he’s immature. But it’s Jun so he couldn’t really care.

"We, together with Soonyoung and Chan had promised to own our own dance studio after we graduated, and there’s no way I’m quitting.” Minghao continued.

Jun turned to his head to Minghao to find the other staring at him as well, “Things are solved now, I assured them I’d be able to return home from time to time.” He said, “That’s… what I want to tell you.” He finished awkwardly with an embarrassed chuckle.

Jun pulled him in his embrace and rested his head on the other, breathing in the familiar scent of the mint shampoo Minghao used since first year. He wanted to say something like sorry for not being there to help but the words stuck in his throat.

Minghao, on the other hand, comprehend his boyfriend, he snuggled to a more comfortable position and closed his eyes, “Sorry for keeping you worried. Although my intention was to avoid you worrying... but I knew you were even though I told you nothing.”

“I understand.” Was the reply, “You could… tell me earlier next time though, we should face things together. I know you think you could deal with it yourself, but I want to at least be by your side when difficulties invade.” Jun thought voicing out his thoughts would be hard, but the words naturally left his lips. Perhaps because the listener was Minghao.

Minghao lifted his head slightly, “Did someone told you something before you came? That’s not what you usually would say.” Jun almost choked on his own saliva at the question.

Minghao chuckled at the others reaction, he settle his head on the elder again, “I will.” He said, “I figured actually when I realize you care me enough to notice my situation even I stay quiet.” He whispered silently, a hint of regret and self-condemnation in his tone, line of sight lowered due to that.

Jun smiled at that. He really wasn’t good at speaking, let it be natural conversations or comforting others, so he opted to remain quiet. They were comfortable enough for that anyway. Serene silence fall between them and they laid in peace.

“Do you… want more ice cream?” Jun broke the silence. 

There was a beam blossoming on Minghao’s lips, “Sure, why not?”

Ice creams were for celebrating. The one earlier for his fight with his parent had came to an end, and this for the couple meeting an agreement on facing everything together without hiding secrets.

The couple walked off the road in search for an ice cream shop, hands linked and fingers laced. Comfortable silence wrapped around them as their eyes met with a smile.

 

///

 

Hansol was poking his lunchbox with his chopsticks when Seungkwan arrived their usual spot. 

“I’ll take your lunch if you’re not eating.” Seungkwan said as he sat next to the younger, his tone was cheerful but there was a hint of concern in his expression.

“Eat it if you want.” Hansol handed he lunchbox to his friend and started tidying his eating utensils.

“Whoa,” Seungkwan leaned forward to examine the other boy closely, “Who are you and what did you do to Chwe Hansol?” He joked but was only replied with a blank face. The cheeriness faded, “Hey, speak up.” He elbowed Hansol, “I don’t always see you this…” He paused to search for a word, “lifeless?”

Hansol sighed, “I feel like I’m a bad friend.”

“Why?”

“Joshua was sick yesterday and went to bed some time in the evening. Turned out he woke up late this morning.” He rested his head on the staircase as he recalled what happened that morning.   


 

_ Joshua woke up to find Hansol sleeping while laying his hands and head on the edge of his bed. He frowned slightly as he pushed himself up from the bed, causing the towel on his forehead to fall, “What time is it?” He muttered to himself, glancing around to find his phone which was nowhere in sight. _

_ “Hmm.” Hansol woke up by the sounds of bedsheets shuffling and blinked his eyes open, “Morning.” He yawned. _

_ “Morning Hansol.” Joshua replied, feet already on the floor as he fumbled in his backpack for his phone, “Have a proper sleep on your bed before classes, it’s wednesday so your only having classes in the afternoon right? Thanks for taking care of me yesterday by the way.” His head was still fuzzy due to the fever but was a lot better than the day before, “There you are.” He took out his phone but to his disappointment, there’s no battery. _

_ “Can you lend me your charger?” Joshua asked. _

_ “Sure, but I don’t know if there’s battery in it, I don’t really remember where I put it to be honest.” Hansol scratched his neck, “You’re going out?” _

_ “Yah.” Joshua replied mindlessly, walking towards Hansol’s desk and opened a drawer with the charger laying in, “I helped you recharge it when I saw it last time and stuffed it here.” He explained to the questioning look Hansol gave him. He turned on his phone to see the time 09:14, fifteen minutes before classes start. He quickly turned to check if things were in his backpack but was stopped by the younger. _

_ “I’m not asking about that, I mean, you’re fine already? You should rest for one more day. You’ll be sick again easily in this kind of weather.” Hansol frowned. The chiliness at night and great temperature differences of Seoul in October could be fierce. _

_ “Classes are more important.” Joshua stated simply, as if it was a matter of fact. _

_ “What classes could be more important than health.” The younger snapped, taking away his charger, along with the phone, from Joshua’s grip, “You’re flaming yesterday, you should rest more.” _

_ “Every class. Now may you please give me back the charger, I’m going to be late.” _

_ “Not until you fully recover.” Hansol pressed his palm against his roommates forehead, “And you’re not now, evidently. I’m getting you pills and you’ll rest after breakfast.” _

_ “I’m not taking pills, it lowers my concentration. And, It’s just a low fever, I have that all the time when I overwork, I’ll be fine after today.” Joshua blurted out, “Give me back my phone.” _

_ Hansol froze at the statement, “You said you what?” _

_ “I said give me back my phone, I’m going to be late.” _

_ “Hong Jisoo Joshua, did you have fever all the time and never rest even when you’re sick? And why didn’t I know?” Hansol crossed his arms. _

_ “Because-” Joshua just realize he said something wrong, but he got his reasons to have full attendance, all he wanted is to get back his phone and head to class right now, “Because you didn’t care.” The words slipped out of his lips without him processing. _

_ Both of them froze at their spots, Hansol couldn’t believe what he heard and Joshua’s mind was just a mess. The later came to himself earlier and took the chance to grab his phone back, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and escaped the room. _

 

“Kwan, am I really a bad friend? I’m his roommate for almost two years but I suddenly realize I know nothing about him. I know he’s a studyholic but I don’t know why he values classes so much, that he hates pills, I don’t even know he was sick.”

Seungkwan stumbled over several comforting words, but it’s difficult since he didn’t know the other main character in the story, “Well… low fever is pretty hard to tell to be honest.” Was the only thing he came up with.

Hansol just sighed.

“At least... for me you’re not.” Seungkwan said, “It’s true that you’re sometimes childish, annoying and stays in your own world, but you still do your best to show your affection to others. Like how you invited me to your home when you found me homesick, how you gave me advices for my crush, and how you feel sad about not caring enough for your friends. That shows you’re concerned.”

“Josh doesn’t have a home in Seoul as well. The last he saw his family was summer break.” Hansol murmured as he turned to Seungkwan, “ I find myself selfish.” He pulled out a mocking smile, “I invited you because I like you, but I never gave other friends the same level of care. I was always on the receiving side.”

Seungkwan scooted closer, “It’s never too late as long as you realize it.” He said, trying his best to ignore the confession, “I’m sure he didn’t really mean it, he was in a rush. Although I don’t know him in person, I could tell he’s a caring person. Talk to him later and things will be fine.”

“Perhaps.” Hansol smiled, a hint of tiredness in it but wasn’t as lifeless as before, “Thanks Kwan.”

Said boy replied with a smile, pushing the lunchbox to the other, “Now eat. You better fix your problem with him shortly, I still need his help on Saturday.” He joked, earning a laugh from the other.

“Sure will.” He promised. 

But later on that day, Hansol found himself at a loss of words when he met Joshua after classes. Mostly because everyone involved in the preparation for Seungcheol’s proposal were gathered in the dancing room. The dance team and Seungcheol dancing while Jihoon, Meanie and Joshua were discussing.

He originally planned to apologize first but when he saw the elder sitting on the ground, thinking hard with the plannings for the proposal in hand, the first sentence that escaped his lips became, “I thought you’re going to at least have some rest after classes.”

Joshua frowned a little, “I’m fine.” He replied nonchalantly.

“No you’re not.” Hansol kneeled down, “You’re not productive at all, go get some rest before joining again. Things can wait.” Sensing the anger in Hansol’s tone, the other three boys in the discussion group exchanged glances and got up slowly. Not daring to interrupt, Wonwoo quickly waved at Seungcheol’s direction to gain help.

“Rest can wait as well.”

“But-”

“What are you two talking about?” Seungcheol chimed in, it was only then Hansol realize the music was off and everyone in the room have their eyes on them.

“Josh’s sick since yesterday but he insisted to get to classes this morning and came here right after that. Resisting to take pills or have a proper rest.” Hansol explained, he felt himself acting like a child complaining to his father, but it’s for Joshua’s health, he couldn’t really care.

“It’s just low fever and I’m fine now.” The other fought back.

“It wasn’t a low fever yesterday Josh, it may relapse.”

“It won’t.”

“Shua.” Seungcheol stopped the two, “Hansol’s right, go and take some rest, we could work on the dance first.”

“But-”

“I know you more than the others Shua.” Seungcheol crossed his arms, “You’ve been working non stop last week till yesterday because Hansol and I weren’t free. Do I have to remind you the consequences of overworking?”

“That was-”

“And you told me there’s a test on Tuesday… did you even sleep the night before?” Seungcheol beckoned.

Joshua stayed quiet this time, he knew he was going too far. He just felt he could work a little more, and a little more.

Hansol’s heart sank a bit. Turned out he was one of the reasons Joshua got sick. He could have stayed during weekend actually or even Monday, he spent the later half of the day in the dancing room with the others. He never thought of checking out Joshua, just like how he forgot his roommate had a test. While Joshua, on the other hand, always remembered all his schedules.

Seungcheol sighed, “Go and rest, or I’ll tell Jeonghan your sick.”

Joshua pursed his lips at the mention of his best friend, “Fine. I don’t want to be in trouble.” He scoffed as he grabbed his backpack and left the room, neglecting the pair of eyes glued on him.

“I didn’t know Jeonghan’s this useful.” Soonyoung lifted his eyebrows.

“Last time he found Joshua overworking he forced him to rest every weekend, pinning him every week. It lasted for months until Joshua swore he would do nothing but rest on weekends. I should have been aware of that… but I thought he was shifting with Hansol so I didn’t expect...” Seungcheol paused at a realization, “Why do you sound like you know him?” He have Soonyoung a dangerous glare.

The red hair boy laughed it off, “I heard a lot from Jihoon.”

“Was that what you told me about Jeonghan-hyung staying for Shua-hyung?” Jihoon interrupted. “Because he’s a studyholic? But why only resting on weekends? It’s kind of… imbalance?”

“Part of it.” Seungcheol replied, “He wasn’t a studyholic when we first met actually, things happened. And resting on weekends was the best solution since...”  He spared Jihoon a glance before stopping himself from saying anything further, “Things happened.” he repeated.

“I’ll go check him out.” Hansol finally shifted his gaze from the door and announced, “To… ensure he’s really resting.” He came up with an excuse and hurriedly left the room.

“Wow.” Jihoon and Seungcheol exchanged a look, “Now that’s new.”


	8. Clown

Hansol stared at the door to his own dorm, debating if he should get in. He had followed Joshua all the way from the dancing room back to their dorm. He was positive that the elder noticed him but chose to ignored his existence, slamming the door shut as soon as he entered.

Hansol was still hesitating, thinking of what to say after he got in when the door room opened revealing Joshua with a poker face, “Are you getting in?” He asked.

“Y-yah.” Hansol walked past the elder, hearing the door closed with a slam. He sat on his bed, watching as Joshua laid himself in bed with a sigh, eyes staring at the ceiling.

Silence thickened in the room as the two went into their own thoughts until Joshua spoke up, “Sorry.” He said without turning his head, “I spoke too heavily this morning, I wasn’t thinking straight. Even when we’re in the dance studio… I planned to rest after planning all the things but then you came and I...” He bit his bottom lip, not knowing how to describe the sudden hit of emotions. Anger? Annoyed? ...Sad? Perhaps… it was all of them.

“Nevermind I understand.” Hansol quickly cut him off, “I should be the one apologizing… I’m not thinking from your perspective, I’m sorry for pushing you… and wasn’t aware that you were sick in the past, or the fact that I’m part of the reason why you’re sick now. I could’ve stayed last week and helped you in the coffee shop. Or even on Monday so you won’t have to overwork.”

“You don’t have to.” Joshua closed his eyes, the bed was luring him to slumber. It was then he had to admit that he was indeed tired. People say you get sick once you relax yourself, and that’s the case of Joshua now. He felt his body temperature rising and things slowly blurring out, “I intended to not let you know, you should spend your weekend with your family.” He managed to say.

Hansol noticed how the others voice soften, he knew weariness was pulling Joshua to sleep, “I have to, and I’m taking care of you before you fully recover, as an apology and as a friend, or whatever.” He said, taking advantage of the situation that Joshua didn’t have the strength to retort (like how he usually does and Hansol never won). He walked towards the elder and pulled him up, frowning at the flaming touch, “Sleep properly and, pills before sleep.” He demanded as he cleared the bed and tucked Joshua in, muttering blames of ‘told you it will relapse’ at the same time.

There was a moan from the elder. “Not pills.” He muffled into the bedsheets.

“You’re not going anywhere that requires your concentration, Josh. Be good.” Hansol hummed as he took out the medicine.

“Fine.” 

Joshua was soon asleep under the effect of the medicine. Hansol sighed softly at the scene in front of him, gently fixing the wet towel that fall off the elders forehead when he turned around to face wall. 

“Even you didn’t mean it this morning, I should’ve care more about you.” He muttered as he glanced around the dorm. It was not hard to tell that Joshua did most of the tidying and cleaning - Hansol never knew where his things were, plus the light fragrance of vanilla in the air smelled just so Joshua. He wonder what it would be if it wasn’t Joshua as his roommate.

Hansol didn’t notice how Joshua’s eyes opened at the sentence, a sad smile on his lips.

 

_ You don’t have to, Hansol-ah.  _

_ It was meant to be imbalanced from the start. _

  
  
  


_ Because I like you. _

_ And you like someone else. _

 

///

 

Time passed quickly in the midst of preparations, Friday came in no time. Seungcheol found his palms sweating as the clock moves forward. 

“Nervous?” Joshua walked by his side, scanning his clothes they chose together. Black skinny jeans, and a white button up with slightly long, loose sleeves that sculpts his frame perfectly, A few black strips at the corner and on the end of the sleeves as a highlight of the clothing. Joshua loosen the first two buttons and grinned, “There. Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be fine.” He said, “And you’re fine as well.”

The dance team entered at the moment, getting the attention of the two as well as Jihoon and Hansol who were moving the tables and chair in the coffee shop.

“Wow.” was the only word that left their lips.

Hansol elbowed Jihoon with a wicked grin, “Soonyoung-hyung looks great.” The elder blushed a bit, “That’s already no the best.” He mumbled to himself but the words were caught by Soonyoung who walked towards the pastel pink hair boy once he got into the shop.

“When did you see the better me?” The red hair boy laughed as he stepped closer. The four of them were dressing in similar clothes like Seungcheol with less decors on it. Just plain grey tops and black trousers. It was a proposal song, so they went for simple clothings with small details, but it was already enough to show their bodylines and make Jihoon stunned. 

Jihoon felt his breath hitched at the close proximity but he maintained a blank face to retain his composure, “That’s more than what you have to know.” He said and left in escape for air. Soonyoung, however, didn’t allow him to fled like that, he followed the shorter boy closely, “That’s too bad. Because I won’t be able to wear the costume your thinking again just for you if you’re not telling me anything.”

JIhoon halted himself at the sentence, slowly turning around to face his crush-now-boyfriend, narrowing his eyes, “Then don’t.” He hissed, sending the other a challenging look and resumed working. Soonyoung pouted at the response. He clung himself on Jihoon, “But I want to know.” He whined.

“And that’s more than you have to know. I told you.” He smiled fakely.

“Why are you so cool to me ever since we dated.” Soonyoung covered his chest with both of his hands and made a face writing ‘I’m hurt, I need comfort’ but Jihoon simply ignored it.

“I didn’t know Chan could be this hot though.” Hansol eyed the youngest. Chan used to appear as a cute younger brother. Said boy bashfully smiled, leaving Hansol amused by how the boy could be cute and hot at the same time.

“That’s because you have never seen his hot dances.” Minghao chuckled. The dance this time was for a proposal and had a sweet aura rather than a hot one, “Join our practises and you would find him sexy more than cute.” He said.

“The last time I dance was ages ago.” Hansol laughed, “I would ruin your dance practises if I join. I don’t mind watching though, can I?”

“Of course, Seokmin does that all the time.” Jun replied with a smile, “I would be happier if you join, there are choreographies we wanted to try but requires more than four people. We could change that, but sometimes it’s less cool.”

“And I would be happier if you guys come and help me with the settings.” Jihoon snapped from behind them. They turned to see Soonyoung helping the shorter boy with the chairs. The three boys laughed a bit before going over to help.

Mingyu and Wonwoo came a bit later due to their classes, they joined setting and moving things.

Joshua sat at the corner as he watched them busying themselves. He was forbidden to do the movings because HE WAS SICK TWO DAYS AGO. He assured Hansol that he’s totally fine now, if those sudden strike of dizziness doesn’t count, he’s still capable to help though, but the younger just told him to rest. He would had fought back if it wasn’t the regret from the fight back then that made him comply. 

He sighed. If he could choose, he liked how they got along in the past more. It’s not like he didn’t like being cared, but that’s too much for him to bear, especially when it’s Hansol. And those cares came from regret, not love. At least not the love he craved for.

_ It might be worse if it’s from love though. _

“Done!” The sound of the others pulled him back to reality, “Now only the last step is left.” They all turned to Seungcheol.

“Message Jeonghan-hyung.”

 

///

 

The coffee shop was rarely silent with no one in it when Jeonghan stepped in. The shop was dark with dim light of the dawn invading from where the window was located. All tables were moved aside, chairs stacked up at the corner of the shop. He checked his watch, 6:00 still an hour before the shop closes.  _ Weird.  _ He commented as he glanced around, walking into the shop went he did, “Cheol?” He called out.

There was a sudden sound from his left that made him jump. He turned to find an amplifier on one of the tables with a rose on top and ruffling sounds coming from it. He frowned as stepped closer only to be surprised again when he heard someone talking through the speaker.

“Yoon Jeonghan.” Said the voice Jeonghan could recognize immediately everywhere, “Turn around.” He complied, meeting a sudden strike of light that caused him to narrow his eyes subconsciously. 

Jeonghan slowly got used to the light, finding his boyfriend together with other four boys he had seen around the campus before. He heard a few strums of guitar from behind and music went in.

 

_ I have pictured this day a thousand time _

_ Thousand kinds of endings have ran in my mind _

_ Those words swirled around my lips everyday _

_ And I guess today is the day I’ll set them free. _

 

The low, a bit raspy singing voice was one of Jeonghan’s favourite sound in the world, accompanied with the smooth dancing moves. If it was another day he would really be delighted, but it’s not. He wasn’t focusing on the explicit dance moves that the dancing team members executed, nor the background instruments Jihoon and Seungcheol refined over and over again. He felt his brain mixed up with complex emotion which came up with a fight in him as he listened to the lyrics.

 

_ There were time we wonder about our future _

_ The uncertainties, doubts and misunderstandings that laid _

_ But I sweared to the stars that to you I’ll be the same _

_ And staked my all now may you stay _

 

_ Time has proven your importance to me _

_ And now that I can hold you in my arms _

_ I guess I’m qualified to ask you this _

 

Jeonghan knew where this was going, somewhere he didn’t expect. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t touched but other considerations got into his brain that stopped him from nodding a ‘yes’. He wanted to say something when Seungcheol stopped him by putting his finger on his lips. 

“Shhh.” He said, “Listen.” And the music got in again, a bit slower this time.

 

_ Two years and a half since our story first started _

_ I saw sand accumulating like how our memories grew _

_ You said you love me with a blossoming smile _

_ I sealed that day up in my dairy and hoped you didn’t lie _

 

_ Tick tock goes the pocket watch I treasured in my pouch _

_ You said you’ll wait for me but is leaving after I said “Yes.” _

_ Now tell me my lover, where did all the time go? _

_ Please accept my plead and the future will be assured _

 

_ The upper deck of the hour glass is almost clear _

_ but we could always turn it around and restart the counting _

_ On the whole new page of our story _

_ And I’ll be here waiting, like how you waited for me _

_ To take this ring and say you own me _

 

Seungcheol was now inches in front of Jeonghan, the later could clearly see the plead and hope in the others eyes. He knows I’m leaving. He thought to himself. His vision was all but blurred. He didn’t know what to reponse.

 

_ There’s no rewind in life and I don’t want to lose you now. _

_ If you must leave, _

_ Can you at least answer me this? _

 

“Yoon Jeonghan.” He kneeled down with a ring in his hand, “Will you marry me?”

 

///

 

Joshua was not surprised when he find Jeonghan knocking on his dorm room the next morning, a luggage in his hand.

“Can I stay for the night?” The blonde asked with a sheepish grin.

Joshua stepped aside and let him in, “As you like princess, Hansol should be home tonight. It’s Saturday.”

Jeonghan smiled, thankful that his best friend didn’t ask questions, about why he’s here or why he turned Seungcheol down yesterday.

“Are you heading to the airport directly from here tomorrow?”

“...Perhaps.”

Joshua lifted his eyebrows, “You’re really not trying to talk things out with Cheol don’t you.”

Jeonghan slumped himself on Joshua’s bed, “I don’t know.” He sighed, “I don’t want him to waste time on me if things won’t work between us due to the distance.”  _ It’s better to not say anything. _

“But you could at least try.” Joshua said, sitting  beside his friend, “Perhaps, you just have to try to believe him, and believe yourself. Time will proof you the answer.”

“Shua, I’ve been thinking a lot, even since I knew I have to leave and now-” The blonde collapsed on Joshua’s bed, burying his face in his hands, “I still don’t know.” Joshua silently carved his fingers through the hair of Jeonghan, about to say something when the door opened.

“Josh… Hi Jeonghan-hyung.” Hansol greeted, following by Seungkwan. He was surprises that Jeonghan’s there but stayed quiet when Joshua sent him a glance telling him to do so. “This is Seungkwan, I told you he’s coming, and Kwan this is Joshua and Jeonghan.” Jeonghan sat up at the sound and smiled to the boys.

“When did you tell me someone’s coming? I thought you’re going home today so I invited Han to sleep here.” Joshua held a puzzled expression as he spoke.

“I told you some day before? Sometime before you sleep?”

The elder tilted his head and thought for a while before nodding, “Ah yes you did, sorry for that. You’re Seungkwan right? Nice to meet you, just call me Shua-hyung, or drop the honorifics if you want like how Hansol does.” He smiled holding up his hand for a shake.

“Hi Shua-hyung,” Seungkwan half-bowed and shook Joshua’s hand before turning to greet Jeonghan, “and Jeonghan-hyung as well.”

“Hello, do I have to leave?” The blonde questioned in a friendly manner.

“You mean for now or for tonight.” Joshua chuckled slightly when the other gave him a face written ‘am I not welcomed?’, “Just sleep with me tonight, it’s not like we’ve never slept together before. As for now, you have to ask Seungkwan about it."

“I-”

“Let Jeonghan-hyung stay, the more people we get to help, the merrier.” Hansol interrupted, squeezing Seungkwan’s hand telling him not to be nervous.

“I’m fine with that.” Jeonghan smiled, motioning them to sit on their opposite side where Hansol’s bed was located, “What do you need help on?”

“Says the one who can’t even deal with his own problem.” Joshua huffed, earning a glare from Jeonghan as he sat down on his original place.

Hansol explained the situation for Seungkwan knowing that his best friend felt uneasy to tell someone he first met his own problem, the understanding nods of the other two boys did make Seungkwan more comfortable though.

“That’s not a big problem, just find someone to pretend he’s pinning on you and you’ll find all your answers from his reaction.” Jeonghan spared Joshua a glance habitually as a seek for advice in which the later nodded in agreement, “Hansol can do that.” Jeonghan continued.

“Not Hansol.” Two voices came in as soon as he finished the sentence. Joshua and Seungkwan shared a glance, the earlier dropped his sight on the floor while Seungkwan turned his head back to Jeonghan, “Anyone would be fine, but not Sol.”

Jeonghan shifted his line of sight slowly from Joshua to Seungkwan, and then to Hansol who was fidgeting his fingers.  _ Oh… I see. _

“Why?” Jeonghan, despite getting enough information for him to understand what’s going on, pulled up his most innocent face, “Hansol’s your best friend right? Seokmin must have heard of him from you, this doubles the sense of crisis he’d feel.”

“Because-” Seungkwan sighed, “Just, not him.”

“I can do it.” Hansol interrupted, still hanging his head down eyes focused on his laps as if he was seriously considering something.

Joshua shot his head up at the statement, catching the smirk on Jeonghan’s face and sent the blonde a glare.

“But Sol-”

“We’re friends, right?” Hansol lifted his head up and gave the other a reassuring smile, “That’s what friends are for.”

“Sorry but you two can decide and may you excuse us for a while.” Joshua smiled apologetically at the juniors and pulled Jeonghan out of the room with full force.

 

///

 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Joshua folded his arms and scowled.

Jeonghan, on the other hand, neglected the question, “That’s the reason you refused to confess huh? Because you know he doesn’t like you back?”

“I’m asking you what you’re doing.” He frowned, repeating his question sternly.

“To clear your worries on confessing of course.” Jeonghan laid himself on the wall behind him, fearlessly staring back at his friend.

“I told you I don’t want to.”

“And why? Don’t tell me you don’t want to ruin your friendship with him, that’s not what you said to all those people you set up, including me.” He hissed, “You’re just a coward.” He gave the younger a challenging look.

Joshua sneered, “And what are you if I’m a coward? I back up because there are uncertainties, and you? You’re backing you when it’s assured that Cheol loves you, is willing to wait for you and give you all the security you want. Now tell me Han, who’s  _ the _ coward?” He cocked his eyebrows.

“There are uncertainties, we may change, in time and in distance.” Jeonghan took a step forward, “At least I took the step and confessed to Cheol, I earned myself a relationship and memories of us, while you Shua, you’re getting nothing.” He snickered.

“And that’s enough for you? Having memories?” Another voice came in, causing the two boys to turn around, obviously startled when they saw who it was.

Seungcheol.


	9. Diary

> Dear Diary, I'm not sure if there's a day I would regret my decision. But if that day have to come, I hope this serves as a reminder, of why I'm here and why I shouldn't fear.

Joshua returned to the room to meet two questioning faces.

“Where’s Jeonghan-hyung?” Hansol asked. He heard the two arguing outside, he wonder if everything was alright, but Joshua didn’t seem to be angry or sad when he returned, instead there was a smile blossoming on his lips.

“He’s not staying here tonight if things goes fine.”

“Why, what happened?”

“Well, we were talking about… that doesn’t really matter,” Joshua ignored the looks he was receiving, “but eventually the topic of Jeonghan rejecting Seungcheol came up and Seungcheol happened to appear.”

 

_ “And that’s enough for you? Having memories?” The two turned around to meet a pair of sad eyes. _

_ “I, I didn’t want to bother you but I really need someone to spill things out so I came… I didn’t know you’re here.” Seungcheol tried his best not to choke up, blinking his eyes rapidly to avoid tears from falling, “But I guess… you have your answer.” _

_ “Cheol, it’s not-” Jeonghan stepped forward to grab Seungcheol’s hand but the brunette took a step backwards, his hand barely brushed the others fingers. _

_ “Never mind, I understand. I…” Seungcheol took a deep breath and forced himself to smile, “Enjoy your trip.” With that, he left in dismay. _

_ “...you’re not chasing after him?” Joshua motioned the vanishing figure. _

_ “And? Tell him I still can’t make up my mind?” Jeonghan stared at the end of the road where Seungcheol walked off blindly. _

_ “But your first instinct was to tell him it’s not true, doesn’t that mean you actually want to consent?” _

_ Jeonghan didn’t reply. _

_ It was Joshua’s turn to lean the wall with a sigh this time, “Han, have you ever thought of how lucky you are? Meet someone you like, develop mutual feelings, and eventually willing to commit your whole life to each other, that’s not something everyone gets to experience.” His eyes dimmed at the thought. _

_ “Shua, I-” Jeonghan got the underlying message, and turned to face his best friend but Joshua cut him off. _

_ “You said you’re afraid of wasting his time on you to try something that may not work out, but I’m telling you. If you’re giving up like that, you’re wasting all those time you spent together, the memories you created and most importantly his love for you. That’s the true waste.” _

_ “Of course, things happen, you may change in time, but that uncertainty always existed, no matter if you’re leaving Korea or not. Would you choose not to date him in the first place? You wouldn’t. Then why are you backing up now?” _

_ “Don’t overthink things Han, follow your first instinct and that’s what your heart really wants. The future’s unpredictable, but who cares? Here.” Joshua stepped forward and pressed his palm on his friend’s chest, “That’s what really matters.” _

_ Jeonghan stared at his friend in silence. _

_ “You’re right.” He finally sighed, “I was overthinking.” _

_ “And?” _

_ “And I’m not staying in your dorm tonight.” Jeonghan beamed as he ran off to where his heart wants to be - Cheol. He prayed. Please wait for me a little longer. _

 

“What about his luggage?” Hansol remembered seeing the blonde’s luggage when he came in.

“Obviously, I’ll have to bring it to the airport for him tomorrow.” Joshua deadpanned settling himself on the bed, the sentence seemed like a complain but there was happiness and relief laced in his tone.

“Why don’t you ask him to get it back himself?” Seungkwan had heard about the couple from Hansol, but he never met them in person.

“Cheol’s home is nearer to the airport than our school.” Hasnol chuckled, “According to what I know about Jeonghan-hyung, getting him to move for an extra distance is more difficult than getting Josh to have medicine.”

Joshua frowned at how Seungkwan nodded knowingly, “Hansol Vernon Chwe, what did you tell your friends about me.” He glared at his roommate who replied with a laugh. It was only then that Seungkwan realized how he made the elder embarrassed, he apologetically glanced at Joshua but found him looking at Hansol with a pamper smile, defeated. He lifted his eyebrows slightly,  _ that explains. _ He thought.

“Anyway, have you two decided?” Joshua changed topic.

“Ya, I’m fine.” Hansol replied.

“Let’s get to the planning then.” Joshua nodded trying his best to look cool, “We’re lucky because the social circle of you and Seokmin overlaps in more than one way.” He eyed his roommate, “I came up with two ways for you two to meet, through Soonyoung’s dance team and Jihoon.”

“I actually promised Jun to visit them practising earlier, he said Seokmin goes there often as well.” Hansol piped in.

“Great, that saves effort. I’ll still text them about it.” Joshua paused and turned to Seungkwan, “Do you mind involving more people in this?”

Seungkwan bit his lips, “...is that necessary? I thought only me and Hansol is enough.”

_ That glimmer. _ Hansol thought to himself as Joshua smiled, “It may be enough, but it’s better to get others in it. Don’t worry, they are all our friends and Seokmin’s friends. I’m sure they’re glad to help.” He reassured.

Seungkwan turned his head to Hansol as a seek of advice. The later was stifling his laughing, “Trust it on us, especially Josh.” He gave his friend a promising smile.

“I got one thing that requires your consent though.” Joshua said with a sudden formality that made the two younger sat straight all of a sudden, “Do you mind singing for Woozi?”

“No- I mean,  _ no _ ! I may ruin his song.” Seungkwan answered almost immediately after he heard the question.

“You’re fine.” Hansol encouraged, “Your singing is great. It always was.” He added.

Joshua nodded, “I’m just asking in advance, Woozi’s not the type of people who would allow poor singers to sing for his songs even if it is for friends. So don’t be worried, if he say you can, you won’t be ruining anything. Or if you really don’t want to your name could be left undisclosed.”

“But Woozi’s song goes all over the campus… I never sang in public, how did you know I could sing though? And does singing have anything to do with our plan?”   


“That my friend,” Joshua grinned, putting his fingers on his lips as he did.

Hansol snickered, “Is a secret, right?”  He finished the sentence for his roommate. Joshua’s grin widened. 

Hansol turned back to his friend, “Don’t worry too much, you could decide on that later.” He said knowingly, “We’ll make sure we won’t go too far, trust me. ok?”

Seungkwan’s gaze met Hansol’s reassuring smile, he smiled a bit before making up his mind, “Ok.”

 

///

 

Seungcheol was wandering mindlessly in the schools garden. He should be back to his coffee shop where he left Wonwoo working alone. He should be wishing his customers a nice day as he give out their beverages. He should be enjoying the peaceful sunshine that shines through the sofas and counter in his shop. But he wasn’t.

Instead, he found his way to the tree where Jeonghan first confessed to him. He had done everything he could think of to make Jeonghan secure and eventually accept his plead. He had done nothing wrong but faith still messed up with him.

He understood why the blonde turned him down, he really did. He just didn’t know how he should react. He wanted to yell, to hit something or to cry out the lump that was stuck in his throat, but he couldn’t. All he could do was to sit under that tree and closed his eyes as he remembered their first kiss. 

_ “I love you. And I’m not saying that because you’re a loser. I’m saying that because I do.” _

“I’m still a loser after all of these.” He muttered to himself, looking at the pocket watch he held on his hand.

“Don’t you dare saying that again.” 

Seungcheol’s head shot up at the familiar voice. His eyes slightly widened at the sight of Jeonghan panting, one of his hand settled on the tree for support, trapping Seungcheol in the middle of the tree and him.

The blonde slowly leaned down, and it was as if time had turned back to the day he first told the other his heart.

“Don’t you dare saying that again.” Jeonghan repeated. Their lips were inches apart and Seungcheol could feel the breath of the blonde on his lips as he whispered. He felt the others lips smashing onto his like how he did two years ago. But this time they went more than lips touching. They moved in perfect sync, bit on each others lips, stayed so much longer and were so caught up when they parted.

“I love you.” Jeonghan breathed out, still staying inches in front of Seungcheol, “And I’m not saying that because you’re a loser.” There was quiet tears on both of their cheeks, accompanied with smiles.

“I’m saying that because I do.”

“Choi Seungcheol.” The blonde kneeled down, “Will you marry me?” And he was replied with yet another deep kiss mixed with happy tears.

 

///

 

“Thanks.” Jeonghan said as he took his luggage from Joshua.

“Your welcome, princess.” Joshua mocked. The cheery tone didn’t cover the wistfulness on his face, “I’ll miss you.” He said.

“Same.” Jeonghan pulled his best friend into a hug, both reluctant to part, but a light cough broke them apart.

“Can I have my fiance back?” Seungcheol questioned. Joshua laughed a little, knowing the couple needed time and privacy. He released Jeonghan and smiled, “Greet Los Angeles for me.”

“I will. Find me when you visit home. Oh and, one more minute Cheol.” Jeonghan spared Seungcheol a smile before turning to Hansol.

“I was waiting.” The youngest chuckled as he hugged the blonde, “Be safe out there.”

“Thanks and you too,” Jeonghan whispered in the half-american’s ear, “I hope you’ll find the right person to love.”

Hansol smiled grateful yet bitterly, knowing the blonde figured it out the day before, he was about to say ‘thanks’ when the elder continued, “Perhaps it could be someone near you.” and he pulled away, leaving Hansol dumbfounded.

Hansol’s eyes met the questioning gaze of Joshua’s and he smiled it off, “Let’s go, Cheol-hyung is killing us with those stares.” The americans laughed and left the couple alone.

“Finally.” Seungcheol said as soon as the two left. 

Jeonghan chuckled a bit, “Why do you seem to be in a rush?” He asked as he stepped closer, hands finding their way around Seungcheol’s neck. 

The brunette pouted in response, “I just want to be with you a little longer, without them.”

“I know, I feel the same.” Jeonghan rested his head on the others shoulder, breathing the familiar and unique scent of his lover and feeling the fingers of Seungcheol carving through his hair. They stayed like that for a spell before Jeonghan lifted his head again, “But it won’t be long, you could come and find me on Christmas.” He beamed, “It’s just a month and a few weeks away.”

“Ya, it won’t be long.” Seungcheol managed to smile but their eyes said the opposite - it is long, but they’ll smile and bear the distance and yearnings. Because they both knew it worthed.

“I have to go.” Jeonghan said after a few moments of silence. He pulled himself away from the warm embrace, albeit reluctantly, and smiled, “Bye Cheol.”

“Bye, love.”

 

///

 

Things resumed to normal for a short period of time after all those chaos, except for how the 11 of them (Seokmin and Jeonghan excluded) got closer, gathering more frequently at Seungcheol’s coffee shop, partly to accompany Seungcheol and mostly just to have a place to gather and chat about nonsense. 

The planning for ‘get Seokmin to confess to Seungkwan’ also went smoothly. They thought of adding Seokmin in their ‘coffee shop league’ but Joshua decided it would be better to get Hansol and Seokmin to meet first.

So there they were, sitting at the back of the dancing studio as the dance team practised. And Hansol’s mission? Mention Seungkwan ‘every three sentence’ according to the exact wordings of Joshua. It’s not that difficult considered Seungkwan was their common friend so it made it less weird for Hansol to mention him often. The dance team was there to help as well. Hansol was, however, pretty bummed about the fact that Seokmin was really oblivious, not showing a sign of jealousy. In fact, he was happy that he got to know more about his friend. 

But no matter how Seokmin reacted and how frustrated the others were, the show must go on.

“Would you shut up about Seungkwan, Hansol-ah. We know him, fine?” Soonyoung pretended to be annoyed as he stole glances of Seokmin, “There’s no need for you to brag about him like a salesman.”

Hansol chuckled a bit, “That’s not my intention, I was just reminded of him, continuously.”

“Reminded of him on whatever topic we are on, of course.” Minghao sneered, “I never knew you’re friends with Seungkwan as well though.” He turned to Seokmin who tiled his head at the question.

“I mentioned him in some of our conversations… but I referred him as my friend instead of his name, so.” He reasoned with a smile, but the others won’t let him go just like that.

“But I never heard him mention you before.” Chan tilted his head in a so innocent way that the other boys gave him an inner applause. _ Finally.  _ There was a change in Seokmin’s expression which ashened at the statement, not very obvious but noticeable.

“...is it?” He pulled out a forceful smile, trying to find a reason to explain but failed.

“Now that we know you two are friends, you could join us in the coffee shop, we usually chill out there after classes.” Jun interrupted, “You free tomorrow?”

Seokmin’s face brightened again, “I would love to, but not tomorrow, Woozi invited me for another song.” He said.

“Sure, I’ll tell them you’re coming the day after then.” 

 

///

 

According to Joshua’s plan, step 2 was to get Seokmin witness how close Seungkwan and Hansol were.

“But the first step didn’t seem to work.” Chan scowled.

“Step one only gave him an idea that the two may be more than friends, it wasn’t meant to have immediate effect, you have to be patient Chan.” Joshua explained, “And judging by how oblivious he was, I guess we would need a little bit more stimulation.”

“Would that be fine?” There was a significant sign of worry in Seungkwan’s tone, he was afraid Seokmin would get angry at him if he knew the truth.

“As one of the victim of their prank, he won’t. Trust me.” Soonyoung smiled, geturing himself as he did, earning a snort from Jihoon.

So when Seokmin entered Jihoon’s studio the next day, he was surprised to see Seungkwan and Hansol there, laughing at whatever they were talking about. He frowned slightly, “Kwannie?” Seungkwan lifted his head to look at him in the most natural way he could and smiled, “Hi.”

Jihoon walked over at the moment, “Dokyeom, this is Seungkwan, he’s singing with you for the song.” He said with a blank expression. He wasn’t a good actor, so he put all the emotions behind the poker face, that’s the best he could do.

“But I thought you didn’t like singing in public?” Seokmin questioned. 

“Hansol encouraged me to.” Seungkwan replied as what he was told to, he felt his hand sweating. Hansol gave him a squeeze, just like how he gave the elder support every time, “He said the song suited me.” The act wasn’t done intentionally, but it turned out to be the best stimulation. Seokmin could hardly tore his gaze away from the linking hands of the pair.

Jihoon interrupted the stare as he handed them the lyrics, “We’ll start when both of you are prepared.”

The singers nodded and started scanning through the lyrics. Both of them had listened to the demo recorded by Woozi but reading the lyrics again could help them get into the emotions better.

Seungkwan, however, was stealing glances at Seokmin, unable to concentrate. Hansol tugged the elders hand slightly, “Stop looking, he’ll find out. Focus on the lyrics, I thought you should be more worried about your first recording.” He beckoned the lyrics sheet.

Seungkwan pouted, “You’re right. But I’m more nervous to sing in front of him. I mean, he heard me sang, but that was because he overheard me.” He whispered to Hansol’s ears to avoid Seokmin from hearing what they were saying.

Seungkwan didn’t notice how the singer got lost in his thoughts after catching sight of how close the two were talking. Hansol, on the other hand, took note of it, he purposely leaned closer and whispered back, “Don’t overthink, just do your best.” Smirking when Seokmin pursed his lips.

“Can we start now?” Jihoon asked after checking the track again to make sure there wasn’t any mistakes.

“Are they recording separately or together?” Hansol questioned.

“Together.”

“Okay.” He nodded, acting to be reluctant and sent Seokmin a warning glare. The later frowned at that, his instinct telling him he disliked the boy, not really knowing why though. He didn’t waste a second thought on it though as he was busy immersing himself in the emotion of the song and entered the recording room.

Jihoon and Hansol burst into laughters as soon as the pair entered the room where they won’t be seen or heard.

“Did you see his face? God, I’m sure he’s in love with Seungkwan now, I don’t think he realized that though.” Jihoon shook his head. He’d been acting as an expert ever since he started dating Soonyoung. Though all of their friends knew he was the passive one in their relationship and they all heard Soonyoung whining about how cool Jihoon was to him.

“I know, it’s so hard to suppress laughters.” Hansol agreed, “I gotta tell Josh… you better get started, or they’ll turn suspicious. I’ll discuss step 3 with Josh.”

“I thought it was to introduce him to our friend group?”

“Josh told me he wanted to add something more to the plan, will tell you guys later after we decided.” He smirked secretly as he scrolled down his phone.

“You’re getting more and more alike with Joshua.” Jihoon shivered and concentrated on work. He really liked Seungkwan’s voice but Joshua told him the boy still hadn’t make up his mind whether to let the public hear him sing. But Seungkwan’s and Seokmin’s voice blend so well that he didn’t think he could find another voice that gave him the same level of satisfaction.

“If there’s a way to persuade him. I wonder why, he’s voice is gold.” He mumbled.

“Nah, even Seokmin failed to do that.” Hansol snorted, “And why? That’s not a story he would like me to share. I don’t dare opening that wound again.”

“Is that why you refused to disclose your name for ‘One Thing’?” 

“Sort of. He would freak out if he knew I did.” Hansol looked inside the recording room where the two awkwardly prepared for the recording, “I do hope Seokmin could help him get over that though.”

 

_ Since I know I’m not the one who could heal that wound. _


	10. Passwords and Keys

> There’s a password for people to realize their heart was opened by a certain key. A three word phrase we always hear but only understand when we experience it ourselves.

It was geography class and Seokmin was dozing off. He didn’t understood why he couldn’t get his mind off Seungkwan. The scene of Hansol and him whispering in each others ears stuck in his head, as well as the fact that Hansol had a great effect on Seungkwan that he was willing to sing publicly because of him. Those thoughts made Seokmin… He didn’t really know what word to describe his feelings. Like, he felt a lump in his throat, a fire raging in him, but at the same time, he felt he shouldn’t do anything or it may upset Seungkwan.

He always knew Seungkwan was important to him. They were close but that didn’t explain the sourness in him.

He remembered their recording yesterday. It was the first time he saw the younger sang this close. Sure, he knew Seungkwan was a great singer but it was because he overheard him humming one day. It was also the first time he found himself unable to tear his gaze from the younger.

He knew his friend was beautiful, but he didn’t know he was  _ this  _ beautiful when he sang.

Round eyes, curled brown hair that glimmered under the recording room’s dim light - Seokmin liked singing in a dimmer area, it helped him immerse in the song more, slightly chubby cheeks that he wanted to pinch.

Perhaps it’s the light, there was a faint shade of pink on his cheeks while he sang with his eyes closed. And Seokmin found himself singing with all his attention on the boy.

As if the song was sang for him.

A love song.

“Professor's calling you.” Seungkwan, who was sitting just next to him, elbowed him.

He quickly gathered back his senses, “Yes professor?”

“Concentrate Mister.” The professor simply stated and returned to teaching.

“Sorry.” He replied. He found Seungkwan staring at him weirdly, that made him uneasy and he turned away to avert eye contact.

“What were you thinking?” Seungkwan questioned.

_I was thinking about you and I don’t know why._ He screamed internally. “...nothing.” He said without turning to the boy. 

“Hey.” Seungkwan pulled Seokmin by the arms, forcing the other to look at him “You know you could tell me anything, right?” What he was thinking was actually ‘ _ Tell me if you get angry or what so that I won’t go too far before things become irreversible.’  _ But Seokmin took it as a genuine care from a friend.

The elder felt his heartbeat stop for a moment, “I know.” He managed to smile naturally.

“You’re coming to the coffee shop today right?” The younger asked, “It’s a great choice to chill out and relief stress with all of those noisy friends.” He smiled.

“Seungkwan…”

“Hmm?” Said boy tilted his head slightly.

_ Why didn’t you tell me you guys are friends? Did you really never mentioned me in your conversations? Am I not important to you?   _ “...nothing.” Once again, he swallow all his thoughts, “Where’s the shop? No one told me the address.”

“It’s just five minutes from out school. I’ll bring you there after class.”

 

///

 

All the way from school to the shop, there was an awkward silence between Seungkwan and Seokmin, both immersed in their own thoughts. Seungkwan nervous about his own mission while Seokmin was… just wondering.

Joshua, Soonyoung, Hansol and Seungcheol were already there when they arrived.

“Kwan~” Hansol called out as soon as the pair entered the shop, the half-american motioned his friend to seat beside him. Seokmin wanted to follow but Soonyoung pulled him away. They talked about random topics about school, families and movies. Seokmin, however, was weirdly quiet.

The others of course noticed that. Joshua and Soonyoung shared a glance before the earlier spoke, “Anyone want something to drink or eat? I’ll get it from the counter with Hansol.” Ever since he worked for Seungcheol for three days, he had been using the counter like his own home, making his own beverages, sometimes helping the shop owner during peak hours and when Wonwoo wasn’t free.

Hansol pouted a bit, “Why me? I thought…”  _ I should be staying with Kwan? _ But Soonyoung cut him off, “Just the usuals, and Seokmin will get Mocha.” Joshua nodded and pulled Hansol away giving the younger a look to not question any further.

After the pair left, Soonyoung leaned towards Seungkwan, “Kwan~” He mimicked how Hansol called him, a bit more dramatically.

Seungkwan shivered at the nickname, “Why the sudden cheesiness hyung.”

“Hansol calls you that way. So why can’t I.” Soonyoung faked a pout, “Or is that some kind of special nicknames couples use?”

“We’re not a couple, we’re just friends.” Seungkwan snapped back, hiding his face in his palms. Whenever others question his relationship with Hansol, a sudden strike of guilt would hit him, but this is for the mission so he hid all his emotions under his hand. He knew Joshua called Hansol away on purpose - to minimize the possible hurt brought to Hansol - and he was really thankful for that thoughtful act. That, however, became an act of shyness on Seokmin’s eyes. He frowned.  _ What’s that anger raging in him? _

The expression of him was caught by Soonyoung, earning a smirk by the red hair boy, “I know I know, you’re not. Just really good friends with special names called.” He sneered.

“Seokmin calls my by my nickname as well, Hansol’s not the only one.” Seungkwan murmured. 

“Really?” Soonyoung sounded amused, he really didn’t know that, “How?” He shifted his gaze from Seungkwan to Seokmin.

“I... call him Kwannie, occasionally though.” The elder of the two replied. He used to call Seungkwan that way often, since when did he stop using that name? Perhaps it was that time Seungkwan addressed him as ‘Seokminnie’, and it made his heart stop a beat. 

“And in return I call him Seokminnie.” Seungkwan couldn’t hide the genuine smile on his lips. He knew this was originally meant to make Seokmin envious and what he was doing was the opposite, but he just couldn’t help himself.

“I just heard a really cheesy nickname.” Joshua’s voice came from behind, two cups of coffee in his hands and Hansol following him.

“Hansol, you got a competitor.” Soonyoung joked as he beckoned Seokmin. 

Said boy pouted, “Kwan, you don’t love me anymore.”

Seungkwan tried to laugh it off, averting gazes with Hansol, “Soonyoung’s just joking.” Ever since he turned the younger down, they acted like nothing happened, but both of them knew things were never the same. Sometimes he hope they could go back to their original state, pure friends that could fool around. It’s not like they couldn’t do those anymore, but he had to bear the guilt and Hansol would feel bad as well…  _ perhaps he should try talking with Joshua. _

Joshua settled Seungkwan’s drink on the table but Hansol snapped it away with a  triumphant smile, “Say you love me.” He intentionally ignored how his heart clenched and the fact that he was pushing his love away from him.

“Sol I-”

“Say you love me.” Hansol repeated himself as he eyed Seokmin, signalling the elder to play along, trying his best to sound as mischievous as possible with a large grin.

“I… I love you Sol, now may you please?” Seungkwan sighed, knowing the younger won’t let him go easily.

“And I love you too.” Hansol whispered in Seungkwan’s ear with a triumphant grin before returning the beverage to the elder. His grin, however, faded as soon as he turned around and returned to his seat. He met the gaze of Joshua and quickly pulled out a smile again.

‘I’m fine.’ The smile said and the elder turned away with a poker face.

The three words struck Seokmin in the chest. 

“I love you.” He murmured. Soonyoung titled his head at the sound, “What did you say?”

“Nothing.” He smiled, there was a sign of relief in it, with bitterness followed. 

“O...kay.” The red hair boy turned his head away, meeting the eyes of Joshua. The two shared a smile.  _ Mission accomplished. Now only the last step is left. _

 

///

 

“Why find me individually?” Joshua questioned, sitting on the chair Seungkwan offered him. They were in Seungkwan’s dorm. Being one of those lucky person in the college, Seungkwan had his own dorm, he invited Joshua to go over after the coffee shop meeting.

“I have something to ask you.” The younger boy replied. His fingers fidgeting due to nervousness.

Joshua lifted his eyebrows at that, “What’s that about?” He patiently waited as Seungkwan took a deep breath before questioning.

“You like Sol, don’t you?”

Joshua was slightly taken aback by the sudden question, he thought it would be something about Seokmin or even something about him, but certainly not Hansol. He didn’t have the chance to reply though because Seungkwan cut him off immediately, “Please cherish him. He’s my best friend and he deserves so much more. Please give him all the love I’m not able to give. Please.” The boy was speaking faster than usual, scared that the elder would reject. 

Joshua saw the spark of glint in those eyes. There was plead, hope and guilt. The sincerity in it almost made him comply with the request but he knew he couldn’t.

“Sorry to disappoint,” He forced himself to smile, “but I only treat him as my younger brother.” 

“But I thought-” 

There was a notification sound from Joshua’s phone that cut him off. The phone owner apologetically smiled before unlocking his phone, thanking whoever sent him the text internally but he took the thanks away when he saw who it was.

It was a message from Hansol.

‘Seokmin just asked me out, guess what it’s for.’

“That’s fast.” Joshua eyed Seungkwan, “I see he’s a rash person, acting right after he cleared his mind. Saves effort anyway.”

“Does that mean he really likes me?” 

Joshua gave him a look, “Like you still can’t figure it out.” Seungkwan just smiled, his grin widening.

Joshua looked happy as well, he shook his head a bit before remembering something, “Sorry Seungkwan but I guess I have to go.” He stood up abruptly, walking towards the door.

“To check on Hansol right?” Joshua’s action froze at the statement, he looked away from the Jeju boy without replying. There was a few moments of silence before Joshua found his voice again.

“I… really have to go.” He smiled, opening the door and walked out of the room.

“I don’t know why you’re denying your feelings,” Seungkwan half-shouted behind him, “but just like what you told me: don’t leave yourself regrets.” He gave Joshua a last smile before the elder left.

“Don’t leave yourself regrets.” Joshua whispered to himself with his head hanging down. He let out a sudden, ironic laugh to noone and shook his head.

“You’ll regret no matter what, Shua-ah. It’s better to not do anything.” He lifted his head to greet the sky and walked off.

 

///

 

Why must it be the rooftop of all places? Hansol thought to himself as he walked up the stairs. It felt like being in one of those dramas where the main characters fight over a female character… though it’s somewhat similar consider the situation he was in.

Seokmin wasn’t aware of him arriving since he had his back turned on the entrance of the rooftop so Hansol took the initiative to speak first.

“I didn’t expect you to text me this fast.” Hansol said as he walked closer to the singer.

“I want to do it before I change my mind.” Seokmin admitted, turning to face Hansol directly, “And before things get out of control.”

Hansol lifted his eyebrows slightly, “What do you mean by out of control?” He used to find love rivals fighting over the right to chase a girl dumb - have you ever asked about what the girl felt? But now standing in front of Seokmin, he found himself admiring the boy’s courage of talking to him directly. He wouldn’t be able to do that to be honest.

“To find him loving some others but not me.” The singer replied, “I… find myself envious of how close and comfortable he was with you, my social circle never overlapped with his so I never knew I could get jealous of his close friends.”

“And I just realize I may like him, probably since a long time ago but I kept denying it. That’s why I stopped calling him Kwannie because how he called me back struck me. And how I made him lunch boxes because he told me he miss the taste of seafood from Jeju Island.”

“Liking a boy is new to me, that’s why… I never realize I like him.”

Hansol found it amusing how the boy trailed off himself, not bothering the existence of him, “And? What’s your point?”

“The point is… do you like him?” The answer was pretty certain, but he still need a confirmation.

“What if I say I do?” There was a hint of hesitant in Seokmin’s eyes. He wanted to say ‘I’ll make him mine.’ but he didn’t really know if Seungkwan likes him… what if the boy actually liked Hansol?

He bit his bottom lip, “We’ll... compete fairly?”

Hansol laughed at that, “You’re weird.” He said ignoring that puzzled look of Seokmin, “You have the courage to find me but don’t have the boldness to say you’ll make him yours and we’re not even friends.” He shook his head slightly as he wondered aloud, “Perhaps that’s why Kwan likes you? The weird kindness and boldness in you.”

There was a moment of silence before Seokmin shot his head up, “He… likes me?”

“And you’re oblivious.” Hansol chuckled bitterly, “He likes you. And everything you experienced for the past few days was a show we put up to make you realize that.”

“Wait, so all of you knew that, including the dance team and your friends?”

“Including Kwan.” Hansol laughed at the disbelief on the singer’s face, “He asked us for help so.”

Seokmin looked at the laughing boy, a small frown forming between his eyebrows, “...But you’re not fully acting right?” 

The laugh halted, replaces by a bitter smile, “You’re right, I’m not. I like him and… he knows it.”

“...I’m sorry.” That was the only thing Seokmin could come up with, “Thank you for…. Everything you’ve done for him, and for me. I owe you.” 

“You don’t owe me anything,” Hansol waved it off, “because I want to thank you as well.” Hansol smiled softly before bowing, “Thanks Seokmin.” He stood up and find the other looking at him puzzled.

The grin on his lips widened, “I’ve never been able to tell the world I like him, because this will burden him, and that’s the least I wanted. But this few days… Although it was to get you envious, I’m still glad to have to chance to do so, to care about him and show affection as a someone who loves him but not as a friend.” Hansol’s eyes were twinkling, smile never leaving his lips. He looked at Seokmin so seriously and genuinely that the elder was speechless.

“He’s my best friend and he deserves so much more.”

“Please cherish him. Please give him all the love I am unable to give him.”

“Please.” He bowed down again. Seokmin remained unmoved, he looked at the younger in silence. This boy he disliked for the past few days because of their love for the same person was now bowing down to him, asking him to take care of his love. He should be grateful that he won the tug of war, but instead he found himself selfish.

What had he done to deserve winning the game?

He slowly helped Hansol up, never as determined as that moment, “I will.” He said.

“With all our love for him.”

“Thank you.” Hansol’s voice was raspy due to the emotions, “I guess, you have something else to do now.” 

Seokmin nodded. He turned around again before he left the rooftop, “I hope… you’ll find the right person as well.” Hansol smiled, settling himself on the floor, and turned his line of sight to the sky.

Seokmin walked down the staircase, finding Joshua standing at the end of the staircase with his back leaning on the wall.

“Since when were you here?”   


Joshua just smiled, ignoring the question, “I thought you got other things to worry about?”

“Yah, but… are you going up there?” Seokmin asked, “He may need some accompany.”

Joshua shook his head, “He needs space, I’ll wait here until he’s fine and to make sure he won’t do stupid things...  Now go and do whatever you have to do.” He beckoned as he rested his head on the wall and closed his eyes.


	11. Mirror

> A conversation to Myself.

_ This is awkward. _ The statement repeated itself in Seokmin’s brain. He should have thought of what to say before barging in Seungkwan’s dorm. He should have at least come up with an excuse for why he was there. But he didn’t have the time to. The door opened before he could even knock on it, revealing Seungkwan with eyes of… anticipation? Seokmin shook his head at the thought,  _ he must had mislooked. _

Now they were sitting face to face on Seungkwan’s bed. Silence thickening as Seungkwan stared at a head-hanging Seokmin.

“What was it that you want to tell me?” Seungkwan finally broke the silence.

“I-” The words lingered on his lips and ended up back into his throat. Sure, Hansol told him Seungkwan liked him as well but it’s still difficult to get his tongue around words.

“You?” Seungkwan urged a little further, hiding his giggles as he did. He found himself enjoying how startled and flustered Seokmin was. Teasingly, he leaned forward and pretended he couldn’t hear what the elder said.

“I-” Seokmin lifted his head, taken aback when he saw how close the younger was, he quickly lowered his head again, “I like you.” The voice was small but Seungkwan heard it (It’s impossible for him to not hear it considering the distance between them).

“And…?”

_ And? And what?  _ Seokmin looked at Seungkwan and found the younger smirking at him, their lips inches apart.

“And… can you be my boyfriend?” His mind was blank, as if he was a student who was sleeping suddenly being questioned by a teacher, stumbling over words for a correct answer. Sadly  the teacher wasn’t satisfied.

“That’s it?” Seungkwan raised his eyebrows, pulling away, “That’s all you want to tell me?”

Seokmin was still froze on his original spot, “What else do you want?” He asked dumbly.

There was a weird smile on Seungkwan’s lips, “This.” He hovered nearer all of a sudden, pressing his lips on the singer’s cheek. It stayed there for a split second that Seokmin wasn’t progressing what happened after Seungkwan pulled away.

It was just a peck and it wasn’t even on the lips. But Seokmin’s smile stretched so wide that Seungkwan couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re smiling like an idiot.” He teased but Seokmin didn’t care.

“Kwannie.”

“Hmm?”

_ Sorry for keep you waiting, I guess I liked you since a long time ago but I didn’t notice. Thank you for everything you did for me, the patience to wait until I finally realize I like you.  _

But none of those escaped his lips, because Seungkwan was looking at him so knowingly that he knew all those words wasn’t necessary between them.

“I like you.”

“You said that.”

“But once isn’t enough.” A gummy smile spread on his lips, “And you haven’t answered me yet.”

“I thought that was obvious enough.” Seungkwan titled his head with a challenging look.

“But I want to hear it verbally.” Seokmin pouted a bit, “C’mon, it isn’t that hard to say yes.”

The two froze as the words left the singer’s lips before they both burst into laughters, apparently thinking of the same thing.

“I’m sure getting that song as our song.” Seokmin said between laughs. He didn’t notice the spark of hesitation in Seungkwan’s eyes that the younger covered quickly, “I’m going to proudly tell the world you’re mine.” Seokmin announced as he laced their fingers together.

“And you’re mine and only mine.” Seungkwan smiled.  _ Forgetting about the past once won’t hurt, right?  _ He really didn’t have the heart to break that beaming smile on Seokmin and those smile eyes that he love so much.

“Kwannie.”

“Hmm?"

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“Everything you did.” Seokmin leaned closer, pressing their foreheads together, “And everything you’re doing for me in the future.” He nuzzled his nose with Seungkwan’s as the younger closed his eyes.

Softly and slowly, they connected their lips. Perhaps it was their first kiss, or both of them were people who liked recording their lives. They moves so slowly and carefully, tasting every single thing in the kiss. Fingers holding on each others grip.

“Seokminnie.”

“Hmm?”

“Your welcome and… yes.” Seungkwan wondered how many times had he smiled ever since Seokmin stepped in his room, or perhaps after he stepped into his life, “Yes.” He repeated himself, the corners of his lips stretching even more.

“And?" Seokmin raised his eyebrows, earning a hearty laugh from his finally official boyfriend.

"I love you."

 

///

 

“I know you’re there.” Hansol called out as he stared at the clouds blindly. He heard Seokmin talking to someone. He couldn’t heat clearly what they said or their voices but he had a feeling it had to be Joshua.

He felt someone approaching him with hesitant steps.

“How did you find me?” Hansol asked. He didn’t tell the elder he’s meeting Seokmin at the rooftop.

“You come to the rooftop whenever you wanted space to think or feel down. I thought you might be here after the talk… turned out you two decided to meet here.” Joshua shrugged, sitting down next to the younger.

“And how did you know?”

“How did I know you come here often or how did I know you’re down?”

“...both.” Hansol never figured why Joshua knew he liked Seungkwan, he never told anyone, except Seungkwan. And judging from his conversation with Seokmin, Hansol wonder if Joshua had been there when he came to the rooftop before.

“Perhaps… I’m  _ the  _ creep like you always say?” Joshua chuckled a little, turning to face Hansol who was holding a blank expression on his face, blindly gazing at the sky.

“When I heard Seokmin admitting that he like Seungkwan. Here.” Hansol settled his palm on his chest, “There was happiness, relief… and there was pain.” He breathed out the last part of the sentence, hand clenching into the fabric of his own shirt.

“But you know what, Josh?”

_ “ _ It’s different. When I told Seungkwan I’m fine with being friends; when I saw the pity in his eyes; and when I saw the look he gave Seokmin and how Seokmin looked at him with the same loving eyes, they all hurt. But then, the pain does decreases gradually, in a way that I may not notice, but it does.”

“It becomes a little bit more bearable everytime, like a wound recovering slowly in time.”

“That’s when I tell myself, things will get better. I’ll be able to move on eventually and I’ll be fine someday in the future.”

“And I won’t regret it, since I could still love him, just not in the way I’m loving him now, also because he found his love of his life, his happy, and that’s make me loving him worth it.”

“And I’ll be set free.”

Joshua sat silently, spending his time on examining the features of the boy as he talked. Hansol was looking at the distant for the whole time, no tears were formed, but he could clearly see the sorrow and bits of hope in his eyes. It’s not hard to figure he had been through this a lot of times for him to draw such a conclusion. An optimistic conclusion that made his heart clench.

“You will.” Joshua pulled out a gentle smile but his eyes told a different story, “Because God would never let kind people suffer, we just need to learn to believe it.”

Hansol slowly turned his head to face the older boy and smiled, “Thanks Josh.”

“Hey.” Joshua leaned closer, the thought of kissing the other came into his mind but he suppressed it, instead, he carved his fingers through the locks of the younger, “You’ll be fine.” He said, “Now let yourself rest.” He pushed the younger’s head on his shoulder and laid his head on Hansol’s as he crooned him with the first song that came into his mind.

 

_ I’m so in love with you in the morning _

_ When I start to think of you tears are falling _

_ It doesn’t matter no one sees you bleeding _

_ But I want you to know that I hear you crying... _

 

///

 

“And you didn’t tell him you like him?”

“…No.”

“Shua, love theory. People experiencing lovelorn are easier to be touched by others. This was what you told me when you tried to get me and Cheol together and now I’m giving it back to you.” Jeonghan face-palmed himself dramatically, “That’s the best timing and you said you didn’t confess?”

It’s almost midnight and the two were video-chatting. Joshua sitting in his bed, two pillows stacked up behind for him to lean on. His computer on his lap with the screen covered with his blanket to avoid waking Hansol up with the light. It was pretty spooky from Jeonghan’s point of view, but he could still make out Joshua’s features from the dim light.

“It’s not the same.” Joshua protested.

The elder lifted an eyebrow, “How?”

“It’s…” He thought hard but gave up eventually, “It’s different.” He sighed.

“How long has it been since you realize you love him? A year and a half? And you’re stuck in the same position since then. Why can’t you just make a move, like what you told all the people you set up.” Jeonghan frowned, “What’s bothering you?”

“We’ve been through this, Han. I can’t, I just can’t.”

“And you never told me why! Before, it’s because of Seungkwan, now that Seungkwan is dating Seokmin, what’s the problem?” His pitch rose due to annoyance and doubt.

“I don’t want to get him to like me only to find out it’s impossible for us to be together!” Joshua blurted out, pushing himself up from the pillows to seat straight as he did. The words left hanging in the air. Joshua took a quick look at Hansol to ensure he’s not awaken and sighed, regret filling up his lungs.

“…Why?” The blonde carefully asked.

“Forget about it, Han. Forget whatever I sa-“ He lowered his head.

“I’m asking you why.” A firm tone replaced the quiet one. Jeonghan couldn’t stand how Joshua was hiding all his emotions from him. He wasn’t able to stay in Korea with them but this wouldn’t make his care for his friend any less. His facial expression, however, softened when he met the sad eyes of Joshua.

“It’s my parents.” The younger finally gave in, “You know I grew up in a Christian family, right? Homosexuality isn’t acceptable in Christianity.”

“But this could be fixed, no parents would want to see their child sad.”

Joshua just shook his head with a tired look, “There are Christians who accepts homosexuality actually, but I’m not sure if my parents are, the topic never came up. I don’t dare asking them about this anyway.”

“Wh- Oh.” Jeonghan remembered why the boy suspended from school.

“Ya, that’s the reason.” Joshua looked at the camera and smiled, Jeonghan could see the small tears forming in those dark eyes. There was a long pause before Jeonghan heard Joshua’s voice again.

“It hurts, Han.” He whispered, “But it will be better right? Just like how Hansol would recover from his lovelorn, find another person that he loves and live with the person happily afterwards. Things will be better for me as well, right?” Even though that person is not me.

Jeonghan tried to find comforting words but he couldn’t get his tongue around it. He could only silently watch as reality and sadness tore his friend into pieces.

“Perhaps, perhaps I would be able to move on, or maybe not love anyone else in my entire life, but I’ll still be happy.” He looked into the camera.

“Because he is.”

“And I will be as well.”

Jeonghan could feel the sorrow of his best friend even through the monitor; he watched his friend buried his head in his arms, breathing deeply to restrain his sobs, murmuring broken lines he couldn’t hear clearly. He wasn’t crying hysterically, he wasn’t really crying actually and that made Jeonghan’s heart ache even more. 

“Sorry, Shua.” Sorry for not being there with you, sorry for not knowing all the pressure you’re facing, and sorry for everything you have to face.

“But you should have told me earlier.”

“To burden you?” The younger lifted his head up and smiled, again, “There’s no point for me to do that, Han. It’s too heavy.” He blinked his reddened eyes to trap his tears in him, “I’ll- I’ll call you sometime later.” He breathed out and slammed his laptop shut abruptly.

Slumping himself in bed, Joshua closed his eyes in exhaustion.

_ Don’t. Don’t cry. Not in front of Han. Don’t cry, Jisoo-ah. Things will get better. Breath in, breath out. Shhh. Nothing is unbearable. _

He curled himself up and interlaced his fingers.

 

_ Dear Father in Heaven. I may be a sinner in your eyes. I do not beg for your forgiveness or mercy, but please. Please lead my way in accordance to your will. I believe everything is well planned in your hands, please strengthen my faith on you and better my soul. Bless the well-being of my family and friends, and Hansol. May your love be with us, always. Amen. _

 

With that, he hushed himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Joshua sang was Everyone by Sodagreen (A Taiwan Band). I'm probably speeding up my publishing pace maybe once or twice a week. Anyway, hope you liked the story so far and I swear things would get better.


	12. Ocean Waves

> Don’t search for the trace of the person’s love. The only things that engrave in my heart is your name and I’m satisfied with that. - Kind of love, Seungkwan

Things finally went back to normal for the rest of the week. At least that’s what Hansol thought.

Classes, tests and projects took up all their time. Neither of Joshua and Hansol talked about the mental breakdown they experienced. ‘Time will heal it.’ They both thought to themselves whenever the strike of pain suddenly hit them on the chest.

However, even though things were unchanged between them, it wasn’t the same for some others. One of the ‘others’ was Seungkwan.

‘Sorry Sol, I can’t go to your home with you today.’ Read the message Seungkwan sent to Hansol. The receiver smiled lightly as he tapped away on his phone.

‘Aaaaw, off to a date? Nevermind me, go and be like those cheesy couples - hold hands, walk down the beach, and kisssssss.’ 

‘It’s a movie date, Sol. Save that idea for your own.’ Hansol could picture Seungkwan rolling his eyes with a blush on his face.

‘You could still do the first and third thing mentioned then, enjoy!’ He pressed the send button as the sound of the doors opening came from behind.

“I thought you left already.” Joshua walked out from the bathroom as he dried his hair with a towel, “You usually leave when I come back from my morning jog.” He sat at the edge of his bed.

“I used to have breakfast with Kwan before heading to my home, but he’s not coming with me today so I gave up breakfast.” Hansol stood up from his bed, “But I’m leaving shortly.”

“I have a sandwich I bought yesterday if you need something to eat on your way. It should be somewhere in my backpack.” The older beckoned, taking his phone out habitually at the same time.

“No thanks.” Hansol was already wearing his shoes as the other talked, he opened the door before turning around hesitantly, “Do you… have anything to do today?” 

“Obviously not.” Joshua lifted his head up from the screen, “Why?”

Hansol didn’t know why his throat went dry for a moment, “Wanna join me?” He signalled the outside in anticipation and… anxiousness? Where did that come from? Perhaps the thought had already stuck in his mind since they argued, but Hansol thought Joshua should rest in the dorm last week so he didn’t invite him over. And Seungkwan not being free today gave him the best excuse.

“...Sure?” Joshua answered unsurely, “Just… give me some time to pack.”

“Y-yeah, ok.” Hansol shook his thoughts away, “Bring everything you need, you‘re staying overnight.”

 

///

 

It turned out the family planned to visit the beach. Joshua was relieved that they didn’t mind his sudden appearance and welcomed him warmly. They enjoyed lunch Hansol’s mother made at the beach and played with Sofia. Time flew pretty fast that the sun was about to set in no time.

The two boys were sitting on the beach in peace as sea waves moved back and forth like a pendulum. The rest of the family were packing things up but insisted Joshua to enjoy his time in the beach a little longer and urged Hansol to accompany him. So here they were, Joshua dipping his bare feet in the water while Hansol watched as the sky turned dimmer and dimmer.

“You know how the beach could be healing and depressing at the same time?” Joshua suddenly spoke up, causing Hansol to turn and look at him with a questioning expression, “No matter how the world changes, waves still flushes the sea bay restlessly. It makes me wonder how small I am in the universe, and how everything that bothers me doesn’t really matter.”

“But at the same time, you feel depressed. Because no matter how hard you tried to leave your own mark, to prove your existence, your footsteps will be cleared by the waves. They’ll all disappear when the sun rises again.” But sometimes not leaving any footprints behind is the best for everyone. He thought to himself.

Hansol tilted his head slightly as he gazed as his friend. He never saw this side of Joshua to be honest, or maybe he did, but he didn’t really cared. The boy was elder than him and always seemed calm and composed when dealing with problems, he didn’t realize the boy needed someone to share his feelings. The distant eyest and loneliness that surrounded him made Joshua ungodly under the sunset, the pale tint of orange sculpting his features from the background. Before he knew, Hansol was unlocking his phone.

‘Click.'

Joshua turned at the sound, “What are you doing?” 

“Taking a picture?” Hansol bashfully smiled, “Then... it will last. No matter what.” Joshua went silent for a moment.

“Let me have a look.”

Hansol quickly scrambled up and shoved his phone in his pocket, “No, I’m not letting you.” He shouted as he ran away. Joshua followed, chasing him off the beach, “Why? Did you made me appear weirdly? Or was I ug- Ouch!” The older boy jumped in pain.

Hansol stopped instantly and ran towards the boy, “What happened?”

“I stepped on a… rock? I don’t know, perhaps some shell debris.” Joshua replied, kneeling down to check if there’s a wound.

“Don’t move, I’ll take a look.” Hansol hovered down and tilted his head, “There’s a wound, better clean it properly before it gets infected. Can you walk?” He stood up and offered his hand.

“It’s just a small wound, Hansol, I’m not lame.” Joshua chuckled as he settled his feet back on the sandy ground, squinting slightly at the rough texture, “But I’ll accept your kindness.” He said taking Hansol’s hand in his as he slowly started walking.

The soft touch of hands reminded Hansol of his message to Seungkwan.  _ Go and be those cheesy couples - hold hands, walk down the beach and kissssss.  _ **_Kiss._ ** Hansol found himself nervously wetting his lips at the thought. He tilted his head slightly and stared at Joshua who was carefully taking his steps, his lips slightly parted due to the concentration and they looked...  _ What am I thinking? _ He quickly halted his imaginations and gave himself a mocking laugh.

“What are you laughing at?” Joshua’s voice pulled him back.

“No-nothing.”  _ Chwe Hansol, are you stuttering? _ “I’ll… I’ll go take your shoes for you, to avoid stepping on anything sharp again.” He quickly retreated his hand and sprinted to their original spot.

“Thanks.” Joshua yelled behind him and for some reason, it made Hansol ran faster.

 

///

 

“Hi, Hannie.” Seungcheol greeted his lover from over the oceans.

“Hi, have you missed me?” Said boy winked at the camera, a large beam plastered on his face. It’s been a week since he last seen his boyfriend due to all the schoolworks. Seungcheol actually refused to answer his calls during weekdays claiming that he shouldn’t sacrifice sleep for him after a tiring school day since they usually call at night in Korean when the sun barely peeked through the clouds in Los Angeles.

“I have.” Seungcheol replied with a smug smile, “How’s your week?”

“Schoolwork was kind of tough but I’m getting used to it. How’s things in Korea, is everyone fine?”

“You mean is Joshua and Hansol fine, don’t you?” The brunette gave him a knowing look, “They’re… fine I guess, at least they appeared to be. I’m pretty sure Hansol’s fine, but I can’t tell for Joshua. He’s easy to read for everything except for his feelings.” He shook his head.

“I talked to him a few days before and he… his state was worse.” Jeonghan lowered his eyelids to cover the emotions in it, “If it’s only relationship problem he could deal with it, but it’s not only that.”

“What do you mean?” Seungcheol frowned. His eyebrows furrowed further as the other explained the situation.

“I really want to help him, Cheol. But I don’t know what I can do.” Jeonghan sighed, “It’s not only about the problem between him and Hansol, but also about his whole life.” Even if he moved on from Hansol, Joshua may still develop feelings for another boy, and he could never be completely free until his parents accepts him as who he is.

“There’s still a chance his parents accepts his sexuallity, isn’t it.” Seungcheol set his chin in his palm, “What if we help him find out the answer?”

“How? And what if they don’t accept it?”

“We can find ways to change it? Joshua’s parents are in LA right? And your university is in?"

“Los Angeles, of course! We just need to find them.” He quickly covered his mouth realizing he might wake his neighbours.

“I can do that.” Seungcheol said confidently. The two chatted till midnight (in Korea obviously) until Seungcheol couldn’t stand the weariness.

“I’ll call you next week, you need sleep. Night, babe.” Jeonghan blew him a kiss and hung. He pushed his window open to feel the morning breeze.

Morning, Los Angeles.

 

///

 

“Morning sunshine.”

Joshua slowly opened his eyes, “Morning.” He greeted, still lying in bed.

“Breakfast is ready, you better wake up and get yourself prepared.” Hansol said as he pulled open the curtains, the room was instantly filled with blinding sunlight. 

Joshua winced slightly and pulled the blanket over his head, muffling inaudible words.

Hansol sat on the edge of the bed, “I’ve never seen you wake up this late on weekends, come on Josh.” He lowered the blanket.

“But I’m tired.” Joshua wailed, blinking his eyes open, “It’s been a long time since I used up that much energy like yesterday.” He yawned.

“Your life is indeed dull.” Hansol patted the elder’s head with fake pity which Joshua shoved it off, “Stop that, I’m getting up.”

Hansol giggled a bit before standing up, “Hurry up sunshine, we’ll be waiting for you in the dining room.” He didn’t miss the groan at the nickname before the door closed, causing more giggles to escape his lips. 

“You’re sniggering like a creep.” Sofia shuddered, but Hansol didn’t care.

 

/ //

 

“You’re three years older than Hansol?” Joshua nodded in response to Sofia’s question as he nibbled on his scrambled eggs, “Shouldn’t you be graduated last year?”

“I suspended from school in my second year due to complicated reasons and is now in my third year. I planned to graduate earlier though, I’ve earned enough credits to apply for early graduation.” He replied.

“I didn’t know about that.” Hansol eyed his roommate,  _ that’s the reason for why he valued classes so much? But why must he graduate early? _

“Early graduation? That sounds cool.” Sofia looked at Joshua with adoration.

“I’m jealous.” Hansol, knowing Joshua won’t explain further, said bitterly, “You never gave me those eyes. The last time I saw those was when Seungkwan sang while I played the guitar, but you totally ignored me.” He pouted to his sister, who simply responded with a laugh. 

“You play the guitar?” Joshua lifted his eyebrows.

“I do, but I’m not good at it.” Hansol replied, “I seldom play it though, so not many people know this.”

“Right, I did see a guitar in your room last night, but I was too tired to care.”

“Hansol hates practising.” Mrs. Chwe smiled as she took out a tray of freshly baked muffins. Joshua assumed it was chocolate judging by the deep brown colour and sprinkles of chocolate on top of it, “He pleaded us to buy him a guitar and promised to learn it seriously when he was younger, it turns out he just played it for fun.”

“I figured.” Joshua chuckled.

“Mom, you aren’t supposed to expose me.” Hansol whined but his mother just shrugged, “I thought that’s what mothers are for?” She gave her son a playful wink.

“This is great.” Joshua mumbled to himself, slightly taken aback when Sofia chimed in, “What is great?”

“Nothing.” He tried to brush it off but met the disappointment in the girl’s eyes, “I mean, being with your family is great.” He ruffled the girl’s hair.

The warm atmosphere, playful talks, and most importantly a traditional American style breakfast that he hadn’t have for months. Even the english conversations reminded him of his home.

“You can come here often if you want.” Mr. Chwe smiled knowingly.

“Yeah, now that Seungkwan starts dating, he may not be able to come every weekend.” Hansol agreed.

Joshua lifted his eyebrows, “Oh… so I’m a substitute.”

“No!” Hansol quickly denied, “You can come even if he’s here. You can sleep with me while he’ll sleep in the guest room since, you know, to avoid misunderstanding.” He smirked.

Joshua ignored the speeding heartbeat at the thought of sleeping with Hasnol, “I’ll think of it.” He simply stated.

 

///

 

Things had been changing in a weird away. Joshua took note of it but wasn’t able to figure out what exactly the change was.

They still gather in the coffee shop after classes, still chat about whatever, but he knew something was happening behind him. Those sudden giggles from his friends and the short but noticeable pauses when he approached before they start on a random topic.

He found himself hanging out with Seungkwan more often while Seokmin and Hansol grew closer. It wasn’t like he was envious about Seokmin or he didn’t like staying with Seungkwan, he just thought Hansol would tend to avoid the singer after Seokmin and Seungkwan started dating, and that Seungkwan would spend more time with Seokmin instead of him.

He didn’t care though. The change allowed him to keep his distance with Hansol in a natural way - something he wanted to do but never succeed since the other may get suspicious and he didn’t really have the heart to - so he wasn’t complaining.

The only problem was how Seungkwan continuously reminded him about the fact that he liked Hansol. Sure, he could deny it, but he could never lie to himself and he hated it.

Today was one of those days where most of them didn’t have classes, the topic somehow landed on the upcoming Christmas Holiday, which was two week away. It turned out all of them were heading home except for the China line, who had extra language classes and Seungcheol.

“I’m visiting Han.” The brunette said with a smug grin, “We could go together, spare one or two days with Han.” He beckoned Joshua.

“Which day are you leaving in exact?”

“The first day of your holiday.” Wonwoo lived near the campus as well, so Seungcheol could leave the shop to him during the Christmas holiday. He’ll be back after their holiday ended.

“Well… I may be leaving one day later than you then, the professor asked me to help him on something.”

“But it’s christmas!” Soonyoung wailed, “What kind of professor is that.” Joshua just shrugged.

“You could meet us up in Los Angeles then.” Seungcheol beamed in.

“Sorry Cheol but I wanted to spend more time with my parents.”

“What about we visit you?”

“My parents don’t like visitors so…"

_ Excuses _ . Seungcheol frowned a bit,  _ looks like he have to figure things out another way. _

“Minghao and Jun could come over my house for christmas party on the 25th though, my parents won’t mind.” Hansol interrupted, “Wonwoo as well.”

“I’ll be staying with me family on christmas day.” The barista responded while the mentioned couple nodded, “Sure, we got nothing to do anyway.”

“You sure you want to third-wheel?” Seokmin gave Hansol a look.

“Doesn’t matter, it’s set then, I’ll tell my mom.” The boy shrugged, “Is Jihoon-hyung going home as well?” He turned to Soonyoung, “I haven’t seen him this week though.”   


“I guess so.” the dancer replied, “You know how he hated getting outdoors, it wasn’t the first time he went back to the dorm just because it’s cold out here. Oh by the way, he left me a remark to bring him black coffee.” He turned to Wonwoo who nodded and walked into the counter to prepare the drink.

“You’re spoiling him.” Chan shook his head slightly.

“You’ll understand when you’re in a relationship Channie.” Soonyoung smirked, “When will our Channie grow up?” He wondered aloud.

“I’m not the one who’s not dating here hyung, Shua-hyung and Hansol-hyung aren’t dating as well.” Chan snapped, “Shua-hyung’s even the eldest by age here.”

All stare focused on the americans as the sentence left Chan’s lips some with knowing smirks and some with curious eyes.

“When will you two grow up then? Perhaps…” Seokmin leaned forward.

“You two could grow up together!” Seungkwan cut him off an over-enthusiastic tone laced in his voice.

Joshua narrowed his sight, “Do you three need a reminder of who got you together with your current boyfriends?” He sent the beagle line a dangerous glare.

Offensive and sensitive. That’s what he became whenever the topic was on Hansol and him. The younger wasn’t aware of it but the others sure noticed. Seungcheol knew he had to stop his friends from teasing the pair before Joshua lashed out.

“I thought we were talking about christmas?” He sent the group a signal not the question further, “Do you have any plans for the week?”

“Resting, movies and video games of course.” Hansol replied almost immediately. It wasn’t the first time people pair up him and Joshua together, he used to laugh it off, but he found himself growing more and more uncomfortable about related topics lately. Perhaps it’s because how Joshua reacted -  _ a hedgehog. _ The best simile he could come up with.

“That’s literally all you do even when you’re not in a holiday.” Seungkwan deadpanned, “I thought you would at least plan to do something different.”

“Sorry Kwan, but I don’t only do those things. I still participate in my family activities such as going to the beach and stuff, you don’t know it because you’re not coming to my home lately.”

“And that’s because you occupied Seokmin on weekdays so I only got his weekends to spend with.”

“Seokmin was the one asking me out, you should blame him not me you know? I wonder why though.” Hansol eyed the couple who quickly shared a glance.   
  
“Kwannie said he wants to hang out with Shua-hyung, and since you and Shua-hyung were together most of the time I went to find you.” Seokmin shrugged. Hansol saw how Joshua narrowed his sight again. The two obviously weren’t complaining about the weird behaviour. Best explanation? They did it intentionally. Why? Who knows.

“It doesn’t matter though, you have Shua-hyung with you on weekends.” Mingyu interrupted.

_ Great, the topic is back to him and Joshua again. _

“You guys could come over if you want we’re going to the amusement park this week.” 

“We’re free this week.” Seokmin nodded, putting his arms over Seungkwan’s shoulder, “Others?” 

“I’m an obvious ‘no’.” Seungcheol shrugged, “Together with Wonwoo and that means Mingyu not going as well.”

“But I want to go.” Mingyu pouted, grabbing Wonwoo by his arms, “Can’t you take a day off? Just once. Please?”

“I’m not the one to decide you know.” Wonwoo spared Seungcheol a glance, obviously unable to say no to his boyfriend with puppy eyes.

“Please.” Mingyu turned to the shop owner with the same face he gave Wonwoo.

“Mingyu I-”

“Please?”

“Fine.” He sighed, “But only once, I’m going with you guys then. I rather leave the shop close than working whole day my own on a weekend.”

“And I’m an obvious ‘yes’.” Chan added.

“I’m fine I guess, but I have to ask Jihoon about that, he have been preparing for the talent show for the end of the year.” Soonyoung said. 

“Ok then, but no overnights, beds are fully booked.” Hansol remarked.

“Even I can’t?” Seungkwan pouted.

“You-” Hansol hated how his heart ached, again, and sighed, “You’re fine Kwan. Josh could sleep with me.” He murmured the second part of the sentence but the group apparently caught his words because there were silent squeals in those gazes they exchanged.

“Because Seokmin won’t allow Seungkwan and Hansol to sleep together obviously.” Joshua rolled his eyes before getting up, “I’m leaving for now, it’s almost time.” He waved neglecting how the group suddenly became quiet. It’s not something new anyway. He would leave everyday at the same time if there wasn’t anything else to do - get back to the dorm and start studying, it’s just the timing today was… kind of weird.

“I’m coming with you, Jihoon should be waiting.” Soonyoung quickly grabbed his coat and followed, sending the others a signal he would make sure everything is fine.

“Were we pushing too far?” Seungkwan whisper-said to Seokmin but everyone in the shop heard it.

_ And I’m still here. _ Hansol pursed his lips, defeated.  _ Is my existence that unnoticeable?  _  But he decided to not say anything to make it more embarrassing.

“I’m amused that you realize that.” Wonwoo scoffed.

“I can’t tell you anything, but… better not mention related things in front of Shua.” Seungcheol added, “Just- don’t.” Wonwoo nodded in agreement.

“And what do you know?” Jun eyed the nodding boy.

“I don’t know anything, but I know not to mess with Shua-hyung on this topic.” He shrugged, “Mingyu you were here that time, remember when we asked if he and Hansol were dating? You see how his squells stood up all at once.”

_ And I am really still here. _ Hansol took a sip of his mocha gingerly.

“Yah, I still remembered how he rubbed the dishes with all his strength as is we were them.” Mingyu shivered a bit, “What did he say that time? Oh yes.” He flipped his head, “Because we’re not in love with each other apparently.” He mimicked the elder.

“Why was he so offensive if he wasn’t in love with Hansol though.” Minghao turned to Jun.

Hansol finally couldn’t stand any longer, “I-”  _ am really really still here so can you guys stop talking about me and Josh?  _ But the words never left him as Seungcheol interrupted.

“Not only about Hansol, anything related to his love life - don’t.” He warned the group before sparing Hansol a glance -  _ that boy better not know about Joshua liking him before there’s a solution to Joshua’s problem. _

_ It would become another heartbreak. _


	13. Hedgehogs

> It’s winter and a group of hedgehogs gathered to save warmth, but they got spiked by each others squills when they got too close,that was when they realize keeping a distance is the best solution. Not too far but not too close.

“Hyung!” Soonyoung called out as soon as he stepped out of the coffee shop. Joshua waited for the dancer to catch up before he resumed walking down the street, mindlessly.

“You’re… not angry right?” Soonyoung asked carefully.

Joshua sighed before pulling out a smile, “I’m not. I was about to leave anyway.”

“But you seemed offended.” The red hair boy frowned, “Why? Do you really like him?”

“Soonyoung.” Joshua stopped walking and turned to face the boy.

“Hmm?”

“I’m fine and I do not like him, none of us is and will never. Now may you  please do me a favour and  _ do not _ question any further?” Joshua fake another smile, “Thank you.” And he walked off without turning back, ignoring the younger who stood on his original spot, still unable to recover from what just happened.

It was the first time Soonyoung heard Joshua speak this way. The elder usually speaks softly and calmly, he never knew Joshua could be this… horrible? Not really, but the smile sent shivers down his spine and gave him goosebumps.

His thoughts trailed off on his way to Jihoon’s dorm, wondering what’s behind the elder. He didn’t realize he have arrived the composer’s dorm until his hand found their way to knock on the door out of muscle memory.

“You’re here.” Jihoon smiled at the sight of his boyfriend.

“Missed me?” Soonyoung opened his arms for a hug, immediately forgetting what had been bothering him.

“Of course I missed…” Jihoon stepped closer, “my coffee.” He grabbed the cup of hot coffee from the dancer, neglecting the arms hanging in the air, before dropping himself on the bed, signalling Soonyoung to sit beside him.

Soonyoung smiled as he shook his head, “Couldn’t you be more honest to your feelings.” He muttered.

“What did you say?” Jihoon opened his laptop as he drank his black coffee.

“Nothing. What are you on? Finishing up for Say Yes?”

“Nah, I finished that a few days ago. I’m working on a new song… it’s for the christmas talent show two week later. I still haven’t decide on the singer though, I hope Seungkwan could sing this since his voice fits the song. Only if he want though, he couldn’t even decide whether to publish ‘Say Yes’ with his name or not… I wonder what happened before, he had a great voice which surely needs appreciation.”

“Can I hear a bit of it?”

“Nope.” Jihoon replied without thinking, “You know I don’t disclose songs to anyone before publishing, just to… avoid whatever mess it might bring.” He had his eyes fully on the screen and earbuds inserted, already deeply immersed in the music world.

“Sure you won’t.” And that sentence left unheard by Jihoon. There was a pamper smile on Soonyoung’s lips as he examined his boyfriend. He enjoyed the time looking at the younger working on music. How he frowned when the notes were weird, how his fingers ran through the computer keys like playing on the piano, and how he would tilt his head in an adorable way when he ran out of ideas.

“Oh and.” Jihoon seemed like he remembered something and pulled down his ear buds, facing Soonyoung in seriousness, “Don’t tell Seokmin about Seungkwan’s worries, he thought I still haven’t finish on the editing and had no idea about them.”

“Ya, I know, believe it on me.” Soonyoung nodded, watching as Jihoon went back to his work immediately after he made his promise.

It was quiet, with no interactions. But Soonyoung felt at ease. Those were the times he would stop comparing them with the other couples - they don’t share cheesy lines like meanie did, don’t have playful interactions like seokkwan, or the soft whispers of ‘i love you’s and skinships that junhao shared, he would even find himself envious of the special bond between jeongcheol that you could always feel whenever Seungcheol mentioned his fiance. 

Jihoon was shy to express his own feelings and Soonyoung knew it. He was the loud and mischievous boy who liked to joke around and play outdoors, while Jihoon didn’t like getting under the sun. Soonyoung liked clinging on others but Jihoon wasn’t used to that. He respected it and spent his time in Jihoon’s dorm quietly just like how he promised - to be inclusive and learn love, he made sure to take his steps carefully and slowly. But there were also times he hope they could date more, talk more, share more affection, at least… he wanted to hear a ‘I love you’ from Jihoon once.

“I love you.” He whispered with his eyes fixed on the pastled hair boy, “And I hope you do as well.”

The sentence lingered in the air, ended up being blocked by the earbuds and music that occupied the composer’s ears.

 

///

 

Joshua slumped himself in bed with a heavy sigh, collapsing his arm over his eyes. “Why are you triggered so easily these days.” He hit himself on the forehead. The answer was certain, he just didn’t like it. 

_ Because it’s Christmas… again. _

“Not the time to think about nonsense.” He mumbled as he pulled himself up and opened his book. Even though he was a studyholic, or whatever they called him, Joshua never liked studying in the library. Instead, he enjoyed reading and studying in bed, well, frankly speaking, he enjoyed doing everything in bed. People said working in bed would lower your concentration, but it worked well for Joshua. He even got himself a small wooden table for him to do paperwork in bed. 

Hansol once laughed at that, saying he looked like a poor kid working in bed on a small desk because there wasn’t enough space at home. But Joshua just shrugged, he liked being under covers, especially in winter, it’s comfy, warm and… secured.

The coffee shop was another place he liked studying in, but that was before he became friends with the large group. Studying there was impossible after that. Today was a good example.

Hansol came back fifteen minutes later. He wasn’t in the mood of staying in the coffee shop after all the things he heard (and the fact that the others neglected his existence). Those words stuck in his head, echoing themselves, begging for an exit.

“Josh.” Said boy lifted his head with a questioning gaze, “Do you, have you ever… by any chance, like,  _ like _ me?” Hansol didn’t know why he asked. He knew how loving someone who doesn’t love you back feel like, he had just experienced it. Perhaps it’s the sympathy hoping speaking out could help Joshua feel better? But what could he do if the answers a ‘yes’? It would burden both of them, he really shouldn’t had asked.

Joshua blinked twice, “Are you out of your mind?” See, he could only play cool when he’s the only one with Hansol. Maybe because no others were there to see through him and watch him like a joke. He dived himself back to his book, “They were just messing around with us, it’s not the first anyway.” He said carelessly.

“Y-yah.” Hansol laughed embarrassingly. Of course Joshua didn’t like him, “I must be out of my mind. Sorry for the stupid question.” He should be relieved, he really should be.

But what’s that stuck in his throat? Probably because he couldn’t understand- “Why are you so irritated though?” He asked what he was thinking.

Joshua bit back a curse. _ Hansol and Soonyoung were only showing their care, don’t blame them. Don’t. _ He told himself. Even though he already pissed Soonyoung off.

“I ain’t.” He smiled. Annoyance and restrained anger could be heard if Hansol was more sharp, but, lucky or not, he wasn’t. The younger frowned a bit as he walked towards the elder’s bed. He hovered down and turned the elder’s face to him before pushing their foreheads together, his palm in the middle.

“What are you-” “You’re not sick again, are you?” 

The worry was apparent in the sentence, but Joshua’s focus was not on that, he hardly could. They were inches apart, eyes locked with the other’s in a really, really close proximity.

“Temperature’s usual… why is your face red though?” Hansol frowned a bit. Joshua hated the obliviousness, but it was also the obliviousness that he was thankful for. It took all his will power to pull away without pushing the younger on the floor.

“I’m fine Hansol. You really don’t have to worry about me.” 

Joshua ignored the existence of the younger and dropped his gaze back on the book. His mind, however, was no longer there. He was getting more obvious these days… he used to manage to pull through things, even after he broke down in front of Jeonghan or when Seungkwan asked him directly if he liked Hansol or even when he shared skinship with the boy. Since when did he lost his cool?

_ It must be Christmas.  _

Joshua’s fingers unconsciously went rubbing on the corner of the page.  _ I sure hate Christmas.  _ He decided as he forced himself to focus on the black printings of the book again.

 

///

 

It’s not surprising anymore when Seungkwan clung on Joshua once he and Seokmin arrive their meet-up place. Hansol glanced at Seokmin who walked next to him with a blinding smile and shot the singer a look.

‘What are you two on seriously.” Said his face. And the smile was the only answer he got. The younger sighed inwardly.

“Hansol.” The voice of his sister pulled him back.

“You’re here, where’s mom and dad?” Hansol smiled, one hand ruffling through his sister’s locks.

“There.” She beckoned their parents waving from their car, “They said they’re going elsewhere for a date since all your friends are here, but you’ll have to take care of me.” She said before turning around to scan through the large group of people.

“Seungkwan oppa, Joshua oppa.” She waved at the two boys with a sweet smile. Joshua nodded back with a smile while Seungkwan hopped off Joshua’s back to hug the girl.

“I haven’t seen you for some time.” The girl giggled, “Hansol said you’re too busy dating.” 

Seungkwan lifted his eyebrows, “He did? I didn’t know he’s such a gossiper.”

Hansol stifled a giggle as Seungkwan casted him a glance saying ‘You’ll pay for it’, before leaning down to whisper in Sofia’s ear. The american frowned at how the two spared him giggly glances as they talk and walked closer to pull them apart.

“You better not teach my sister weird things.” He scowled at his best friend.

“I never say weird things, I just state truths, right?” Seungkwan beckoned the girl who nodded in response and Hansol could do nothing but sigh.

“I hope that two won’t mess around.” He mumbled to no one as the two joined the larger group.

 

///

 

“Seungkwan, can I ask you for a favour?” Jihoon sneaked next to Seungkwan as the others search for a place to go, “It’s about the upcoming talent show.”

“Sure?” The hesitance was apparent, not knowing what he could help on.

“There’s a new song I wrote these days, and I’m searching for a suitable singer.”

_ Oh. _

Jihoon handed Seungkwan a lyrics sheet, in which the younger took it mindlessly, “I know you may not want to sing this because of your personal reasons… but I really think this song suits your voice a lot, and I hope you could consider it as an opportunity or whatever. Actually, I would really like it if you could publish ‘Say Yes’ as well.”

Seungkwan wanted to return the paper sheet but Jihoon stopped him immediately, “You don’t have to decide now, I’ll give you time to think about it.” With that, he left in search for Soonyoung.

“Kwannie.” Seokmin appeared out of nowhere and patted his boyfriend on the shoulder.

“You’re scaring me Seok.” Seungkwan stuffed the lyrics sheet in his bag with quick hands, “C’mon, let’s catch up with the group.” He didn’t miss how Seokmin flickered his gaze to his bag before back to him, pulling out a blinding smile.

“Sure.”

 

///

 

Seungcheol caught a dizzy Chan in his embrace after they played one of the roller coasters in the park, the eldest was too afraid to get on it and opted to stay on ground, together with Jihoon who’s not interested in games, Soonyoung, who’s there to accompany Jihoon, and Joshua.

“Where’s Jihoon and Soonyoung?” Wonwoo noticed the absence of the couple and turned to the two eldest in the group.

“Jihoon said it’s too hot here and went to fetch some drinks, Soonyoung went with him.” Seungcheol replied, “I thought you would like to try those though, you know, you’ve been mentioning a lot about the rides in America.” He nudged Joshua by the arm.

“Hmm?” Joshua shifted his gaze from the rides to the brunette, seemingly being called back from his thoughts, “What did you say?”

“...Nothing.” Seungcheol eyed Joshua twice, taking in the fact that Joshua had been zoning out a lot lately, but decided not to point it out when everyone was here, “What took Jihoon so long though? They left once you guys went lining up for the ride.”

“Maybe there’s a lot of people there?” Mingyu offered.

“They can’t take longer than us.” Minghao frowned as Jun took out his phone to call Soonyoung, but no one answered. 

“Shall we check on them?’ Seokmin suggested, “They might got lost, but don’t have a spare hand to answer our call with all the drinks they have to hold.” He reasoned.

“Probably.” Joshua stood up, “I’ll go find them, you guys stay here in case they head back.”

“I’ll go with you.” Seungcheol said as he followed Joshua, “Keep your cellphones open and don’t miss our calls!” He yelled back to the group.

“I’m heading to the washroom.” Hansol told the group.

“Wait, I’m going as well.” Seokmin hopped on his feet and followed, exchanging a glance with Seungkwan as he passed through his boyfriend.

 

///

 

Hansol weaved their way to the washroom, fiddling his fingers as he passed through shades of trees by the side of the road. Finally, he took a deep breath and stopped by the entrance of the washroom.

“Hyung, I’ve been thinking a lot lately… Can I ask you something?” Hansol had been waiting for long when there’s only them, and Seokmin simply nodded.

“How do you actually feel when you, like, realize you like Kwan? I mean, I like Kwan before but lately I’m, experiencing something different? And I can’t really tell things so...”

“Really?” It sounded more like a ‘finally!’ but Seokmin hid it with a cough, “Well I was pretty bewildered, it’s like what you have believed for long suddenly went crumbling down to reveal the truth which hits you hard at your chest, bursting sweetness in you.”

“And then, it’s like you’ll realize how stupid you was all the past time, and you’ll pick up the pieces you had with him before and you’ll want to hit yourself on the head for being stupid so long.” Hansol completed the second part for the elder.

“Right!” Seokmin exclaimed, leaning closer all at once, “Who’s the one who made you felt like this? It can’t be Chan, so it’s Shua-hyung right?”

Hansol didn’t reply, but pursed his lips lightly.

“I knew it! I gotta tell Kwannie now, what he did finally paid off well, I never thought it would work though…” He pulled out his phone and unlocked it.

“What do you mean by what he did?”

“He said if you spend less time with Shua-hyung you might realize you wanted to stay with him most of the time and eventually the fact that you like him.” The singer replied absentmindedly, fingers working fast on his phone.

“So that’s why you two were being weird these days, huh?”

“Ya, but-” The tone of Hansol got Seokmin lifting his head from his phone, only to meet a thoughtful gaze and folding arms.

“Quit that hyung, you saw how Josh reacted that day in the coffee shop, he doesn’t like me, and so do I.” Hansol sighed as he patted Seokmin on the back, “Put away your phone, we're friends and that’s all.” He walked towards the washroom door but Seokmin stayed unmoved. Hansol turned around and beckoned him to follow, confused.

“But I sent the message to Kwan already.“ Seokmin pulled out an apologetic smile.

“Oh god, explain what actually happened please, I don’t want-” His ringtone cut him off.

“Josh?... I’m in the washroom, the other’s are still in their original spot… What?” He casted Seokmin a look, “Okay, I’ll meet you up later.”

“What happened?”

“I’m not sure, but Josh said Jihoon-hyung was left alone in the drinks shop when they found him. I’m meeting him at the shop and you go get the others to find Soonyoung-hyung, remember to leave someone at the spot in case he returns.” Hansol finished his words quickly and dashed off while Seokmin obliged immediately, both forgetting something important, something that someone would probably remember.


	14. Cocoon

> Cut open my cocoon, my little dear. And allow me to admire the beauty of the world with the short glimpse I’ll steal, before landing hardly on the ground.

When Hansol arrived the shop, it was only Joshua and Jihoon sitting by one of the desks in the restaurant, a few bags of drinks on the table. Joshua noticed his presence and beckoned him to seat.

“Where’s Cheol-hyung?” Hansol whispered to Joshua.

“He went to search for Soonyoung.” Joshua replied, “Jihoon’s still not telling me anything, he has been acting this way since we arrived.” Hansol shifted his sight to the sulked producer, who was biting hard on the straw of his drink with a blank stare.

“...Hyung?” Hansol called out carefully.

“What.” Jihoon snapped as he turned his head to Hansol. Hansol opened his mouth to say something, but his tongue couldn’t get around any words, he sent Joshua a look for help.

“The straw’s going to broke if you keep biting on it.” Joshua said as he gently pulled the straw out of Jihoon’s mouth, replacing it with a new one he found from the plastic bag. Jihoon’s expression softened apparently once he lost something to bite on, or pour his emotions on. And it was as if all his anger leaked out from his opening mouth.

“Drink.” Joshua beckoned softly. 

Jihoon’s shoulders dropped at the simple word, together with his defences, “Thanks.” He sighed, taking in his drink properly this time.

“Now, what happened?” Joshua asked intently.

Another sigh from the pink hair boy as he retreated the straw, “We were ordering drinks and while we’re waiting for our order he asked me why I wasn’t trying out any games or rides.”

 

_ “I’m not interested in those, I just came because Seungkwan is coming, and I have something to give him.” Jihoon shrugged, “I could have give him when we’re at school, but I won’t be free this coming week, and would probably not have the time to. What about you? You’re not playing anything either, I thought you would love amusement parks.” _

_ “Yeah, I do… but I thought I should accompany you and so I chose to stay on the ground.” _

_ “You don’t have to, you could play along with them, I’m fine myself, there’s Seungcheol-hyung and Shua-hyung with me.” _

_ “But I want to.” Soonyoung pouted, “We seldom go on dates other than your dorm.” He said, swinging Jihoon’s arm back and forth, “Just try one with me?” _

_ “Just one.” Jihoon gave in with a sigh, tone unwilling. That’s when an electronic voice called out their waiting number and Jihoon went to take their drinks, “Soonyoung? Come over and help me.” He gestured the elder when he realize Soonyoung wasn’t moving. _

_ “Oh.” Soonyoung half-mindedly took the two bags and walked out of the shop without waiting for Jihoon. The composer frowned and quicken his pace to catch up, “Soonyoung? Why are you acting weird?” He nudged the other with his elbows, “Was it something I said?” _

_ Soonyoung sighed as he turned around to face Jihoon, “I, I don’t know, but you’re like, you’re forcing yourself to accompany me. And I hate it when we are like this. Like, we’re not comfortable around each other, trying our best to tolerate each other but... that shouldn’t be how things work.” _

_ “But Soonyoung, I’m not-” _

_ “You are.” Soonyoung looked him into the eyes, there were tiredness and conflict in it that sealed Jihoon’s mouth - he never noticed those before, “You are, I know that, whenever I asked you out, whenever I tried to touch you… you are. Did you notice that I stopped asking for a date? I only visited you everyday in your dorm because that’s the only place you’re comfortable.” But I’m not comfortable about that. He added internally, but Jihoon seemed to read his thoughts and remained silent. _ _   
_ _ “You know Jihoon, maybe we’re not made for each other, and maybe it’s better if we stop trying to adjust to each other.” _

_ “...what do you mean?” _

_ “I mean, we should-” “No.” Jihoon roughly placed the drinks on a random table and grabbed Soonyoung on the wrist, “No, we’re not.” _

_ “Hoonie.” Jihoon didn’t understand why could Soonyoung smile at moments like this, “That’s the first time I’m calling you this way, and probably the last.” _

_ “Kwon Soonyoung, I’m telling you we’re not!” _

_ “You may not love me as you thought you are Jihoon-ah.” Soonyoung slowly pushed Jihoon’s hand off his wrist, his skin stinging because of how hard Jihoon was gripping on him. The smile was still plastered on his lips, but never reached his eyes, “You’ll be happier if you’re not with me, we’ll both be.” _

 

“And he left with that.” Jihoon didn’t know when his eyes became watery, “I’m was sad, and angry. Angry at him, because he doesn’t trust me loving him and because he never told me how he felt. But more, I’m angry at myself.” He sniffed, “For not noticing the things he did for me, for not able to shout out ‘I love him’ even when he determined to leave, for not committing enough in our relationship.”

“But he promised me. He promised to learn love with me together, and why is he giving up when he never even tried to talk to me and work things out?” Jihoon tightened his grasp on the drink, squeezing the plastic cup out of shape. Joshua placed a hand on the composer’s back and started stroking it gently. Hansol’s phone rang and he exited himself, leaving Jihoon to Joshua.

“Hyung? He’s fine, Josh is with him… good to hear that, okay, we’ll be there in a minute.” He hung the phone and found Joshua and Jihoon behind him.

“What did Cheol say?”

“Soonyoung-hyung’s back in school, Cheol-hyung’s with him, we’ll be meeting the others at the main gate and head back to school.” Hansol replied, keeping an eye on Jihoon who was walking mindlessly.

“Let’s go then.”

///

There were no questions of ‘what happened’ or ‘how is he’ when the triple met their friends at the main gate, they all got their answers from Jihoon’s state. Dazed, mindless, and unaware of things around him that he almost tripped over when he got onto the bus.

“Sorry Sofia, I’ll bring you over someday later when things are settled.” Hansol said quietly as he rubbed his sister’s hair.

“Nevermind, I’m not that small to not understand the priorities.” She pulled out a dazzling smile, “And I just knew something that made today worth it.” Hansol didn’t hear to underlying message in the sentence, his mind was too occupied by the couple’s argument and was only relieved when his sister was cool about leaving early.

“Jihoon-hyung.” Seungkwan volunteered to sit next to Jihoon when they got on it, he nudged the other by his arms and handed him a piece of paper. The composer looked at the paper, then him, confusion apparent on his face.

“I thought about it and I think… you might want to sing this yourself.” He pushed the paper into Jihoon’s hands, watching as tears blurred out the ink on the paper.

 

///

 

“Boo Seungkwan I swear I’m not letting you out of this.” Hansol gave up knocking on the door after nonstop trying for 5 minutes, “I thought they would quit attempting to get us together after I talked to Seokmin… no wait, oh God.” He hit himself on the forehead, realizing Seokmin had probably forgot explaining things to Seungkwan.

“I thought it’s obvious enough that they’re still trying.” Joshua replied nonchalantly as he climbed on Seungkwan’s bed, “It’s not like we’re not used to sharing the same room.” 

“But Josh, there’s only one bed in this room since Kwan lives alone.” Hansol reminded the elder as he made his way next to his american friend. Joshua’s action froze a bit but he hid it well, “So? I sleep with Han a lot back when we’re roommates.” He shrugged, crawling into the bedsheets.

“True.” Hansol nodded as he occupied the space beside Joshua, “Seriously, was he reading fictions or dramas too much lately? Where did the idea of locking us up in his room come from? I should’ve got home with Sofia.” He rambled on, talking about he shouldn’t come back to school because he was worried about Jihoon and Soonyoung - there’s many others here with them.

“Stop that Hansol I want to sleep.” Joshua grumbled into the pillows.

“But it’s only 11, and I’m bored.” Hansol whined, only getting a muffled ‘use your phone’ in response.

“No battery.” Hansol rolled his eyes at the thought of his best friend, “I shouldn’t have believe him when he said he got something to give us, and in turn locked us here… Where’s yours?” He poked the lying figure’s back. Joshua sighed before pushing himself up and digged his hands in his back pocket, but there’s nothing there."

“Oh yeah, Cheol took it when he went to find Soonyoung because his was out of battery, probably forgot to give me back.” He recalled, giving Hansol a face writing ‘Sorry, can’t help’.

“But he called me with his own phone?” Hansol frowned.

“Maybe… he charged it when he got back? He called after finding Soonyoung in his dorm.”

“But he don’t live in dorms? Why would he charge his phone at times like this.”

Silence.

“I don’t know, I’m not him.” Joshua slumped his face in the pillows, “I just want to sleep.”

Hansol only pouted at that, “But I’m nowhere near sleepy, I thought you would want to find it out like you usually does.” He poked the elder at the ribs as he sat cross-legged on the bed, “Josh~” He hovered down to the other’s ears and called out.

“Hansol, I’m tired-” His words however halted as he turned his head to face the younger, both of them freezing at their spots. It was only then Joshua realize how close Hansol was, close enough for the younger’s lips to brush on his own nose wen he turned.

It’s warm, soft, and caused a blush to crawl up from his neck. Both of them stared at each other, eyes wide, blinking. Until Hansol pulled away and Joshua buried his face back into the pillow.

“So- Sorry Josh.” Hansol apologized, he could feel a spread of warmth still on his lips, or maybe the blush crept its way to his lips that he felt them burning. He wetted his lips due to the nervousness, but stopped himself immediately after registering what he was doing.

The fact that he just kissed Joshua’s nose was making the act weird. And no, it’s not even on the lips, it’s just a faint brush of his lips in the tip of the elder’s nose, but both of them were flustered about it. Joshua knew well for the reason behind, but Hansol didn’t.

“It’s just an accident, Hansol, there’s no way you have to apologize for it.” Joshua said after coming back to his usual self with an affirming smile, “It’s fine. Now may we sleep? I’m tired.”

“Y-ya, sure.” Hansol replied, not in the mood of fooling around now, he climbed up to switch off the light, feeling secured in the dark while the elder couldn’t see his expression. Soon, Joshua’s steady breaths told Hansol he was fast asleep, and Hansol finally relaxed himself in the bed and closed his eyes.

///

Jeonghan took a deep breath before he timidly knocked on the door.  After receiving no response, he inhaled deeply and whispered to himself. 

_ You can do it. This is for Shua. _ And he pushed open the door.

A man was staring at the window, not noticing Jeonghan approaching. The blonde embarrassedly faked a cough before speaking, “Sorry to disturb.” The man turned and gave him a sincere apologetic smile, “I am Yoon Jeonghan… Joshua’s friend from Korea.”

The smile on the man’s lips faded immediately, “Did Joshua ask you to be here?”

“No?” Jeonghan was puzzled by the quick change in emotion at the mention of his friend’s name,  _ were they in bad terms? But Joshua used to call home everyday _ , “I came here to study and I decided it might be a good idea to visit his father for him.” He carefully added.

The man - Joshua’s father examined the blonde for a moment and nodded, “It’s not like what he would do anyway, I’ll trust you for now.” He shifted his gaze back to the outside of the window, ignoring the existence of Jeonghan.

The boy uneasily cleared his throat again and sat beside the bed, “I brought some fruits on my way, do you want some?”

“...I’ll wash and cut over there.” He beckoned the sink nearby, figured he won’t get an answer from the man. The sound of water running was significant in the silence, Jeonghan never thought he could be this clueless of what to do in his life. He quietly cut the fruits he brought he handed them to Mr Hong in a bowl.

Mr Hong slowly turned to Jeonghan and - to Jeonghan’s relief - accepted the bowl.

“...Is he doing fine?”

It took Jeonghan a few seconds to process who ‘he’ meant, “Y-yeah, I… guess?”

Mr. Hong nodded and resumed silent again. Jeonghan shifted his sitting posture awkwardly, thinking what he should do to get the man talking.

“I met Joshua in my first year, we were roommates.” He said, noticing how the man turned his head to him at the mention of the name.

_ Good start. _ Jeonghan thought to himself, slowly figuring what he should do, “We’re both psychology majors and are really alike, except on expressing own feelings. I tend spill things out while he shuts himself from the world when he’s down.”

_ Like what? _ Jeonghan could see the question and worry in Mr Hong’s eyes but pretended he didn’t.

“We spend most of our times together in our juniors, until… well, that’s not point.” He watched as the man’s eyes dimmed at the statement.  _ Right way to go. _

“I even got his first time.” He laughed a bit, “First time getting drunk, lucky that he’s a quiet drunk, a bit clingy though.”

Jeonghan dozed on random memories he have with Joshua, carefully examining the facial expressions on the man.

When he talk about things that happened in Junior, he man looked like he was recalling memories, but when it came to things that happened in recent years, there was curiosity.

_ Hong Jisoo, how dare you said you’re fine. _

The two chatted (actually only Jeonghan was talking while Joshua’s father gave short responses from time to time) until dawn when Mrs. Hong came to visit her husband.

“I’ll visit you someday later, is there anytime you’re not free?”

“Not really, the doctor comes every Thursday afternoon. I’m free for all the other times.”

Jeonghan nodded, “Sure, rest well.” He left the hospital and look at his watch, twenty minutes before seven, it should be lunch period in Korea.

Hoping Seungcheol wasn’t busy, he called out his number, which the other picked up after a few rings.

“Cheol. How did you exactly found where Joshua’s father live? You just sent me the address through text message.” He asked directly, not bothering to greet the other. He knew Seungcheol won’t mind either, knowing if he called in this time of the day instead of their usual chat time meant something serious.

There was a pause from the other line, “I found a chance to take his phone and copied his most frequently contacted number. I dialed the number and thought it would be his parents who answered but… but it’s the phone number of the hospital.” Jeonghan could see the others puzzled expression from his voice.

“That explains.” He murmured.

“What?”

“Nothing… I’ll tell you after I confirmed things.” Jeonghan replied, “I’ll find ways to figure those out, just keep an eye on Shua, if I wasn’t wrong there should be more than what we knew about him and his father.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so touched by all the comments I'm receiving! Though I don't have the time to reply them one by one, since I'm really busy lately (which results in this pretty rough chapter, apologies for that), I'm truly grateful for those who read, gave kudos, subscribe or drop comments to let me know the fic is being waited for. Hearts to all :)))


	15. Dumb

> I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Words ended up drowning in my stomach, leaving a muted apology in the air.

“Soonyoung-hyung, are you going to to the Christmas Talent Show?” Hansol push through all the students leaving the lecture theatre to Soonyoung’s seat and asked before the dancer could leave.

Soonyoung sent him a complicated look before sighing, “I don’t know Hansol, I don’t feel like seeing him yet.”

There was no phone call, no apologies, or even a text message from Jihoon since their argument at the amusement park, “And he probably wouldn’t want to see me, maybe he really never loved me from the start, it’s just an attraction, and it fades after he knew more about me.”

Hansol scowled at that, he had never seen Soonyoung lacking confidence about himself. He pulled the elder’s arm lightly with an encouraging smile, “Jihoon-hyung is just not good at feelings, you know that better than everyone. I’ve seen him all whipped for you, seen how miserable he was after you two argued, he does love you hyung I could tell.”

“No he doesn’t Hansol-ah. I bumped on him once a few days before in one class we share, he just gave me a glance and walked away. He must have realized he doesn’t like me the way he thought he was and that’s why he never tried to make up with me this whole week.” Soonyoung shook his head slightly as he stuffed all his things in the backpack, “Thanks for comforting me Hansol, maybe if you told me earlier I would have believed you. But it’s been a week, a full week that I waited and no, he didn’t come and find me. I guess… that’s the best answer.” He smiled weakly before turning away but a pull on his wrist stopped him.

“Hyung.” Hansol stiffened his grip in affirmation, “Have you ever considered this isn’t the only solution to your problem? You never gave Jihoon-hyung the chance to fix it, you just made a conclusion that things won’t work after you felt exhausted about trying. But problems won’t get fixed if only one party if working on it, it needs two, two of you to work together.” He sighed

“Just… think about it okay?” He pushed a ticket into the Soonyoung’s palm and left.

///

Hansol walked out of the lecture theatre, sighing as he stopped by the entrance.. Frankly speaking, he wasn’t sure if Jihoon would be willing to talk thing out on the showcase, he just thought the couple might resume to normal if they meet each other on the show, after all Jihoon couldn’t not like Soonyoung anymore, right?

Hansol sighed again, he needed someone to talk about this, but who to? Usually it’s Joshua, but there’s something weird about meeting the elder boy after that amusement park group date. It’s something Hansol never felt about the elder, even after the arguments they had been through or after Joshua comforted him on the rooftop, he never had this weird feeling in his chest. It’s like, like he’s embarrassed, for what though?

Hansol shook his head, it’s not the time to think about this now, Jihoon-hyung and Soonyoung-hyung’s problem is more important, right. 

Perhaps he should talk to Seungkwan, he was the last one who talked to Jihoon that day, maybe he would know more. As if his best friend received his signal, Hansol’s phone rang at the exact timing.

“Kwan?... Why do you sound like you’re-”  _ crying?  _

A voice from the other line cut him off, but it wasn’t Seungkwan’s voice, “Hansol, you got the spare keys to Jihoon’s dorm right? Come over right now.” It’s Joshua, figured the eldest probably took Seungkwan’s phone over.

“Ya, I have it, but what happened?”

There was a sigh, “Say Yes was published, without any notice, it’s only me and Seugnkwan here now, and Jihoon is not opening the door. Come over and don’t get anyone with you.”

 

///

 

When Hansol pushed open the door of Jihoon’s dorm, he could smell the thick smell of instant food and gourmet powder in the air. Jihoon was asleep on his desk with his ear buds on, arms laying over his laptop. 

Joshua frowned as he glanced around the room. Leftovers of fast food and deliveries spilled around the room. He sighed before roughly cleaning the room, or they won’t even have a place to seat.

“Jihoon-hyung?” Hansol shook the elder up gently, “Jihoon-hyung.” Said boy slowly blinked his eyes opened, as he tried to get his vision focused.

“Morning, Hansol.” The only things that he got in his brain. 

Hansol and Joshua exchanged a look, worry apparent in their frowns, “It’s almost evening hyung. How long have you been locking yourself up here?” Compared to Soonyoung, Jihoon acted too normal this week, together with the fact that the composer used to stay in his dorm all the time, none of their alarms went off.

“...I don’t know, probably two or three days?” Jihoon rubbed his face, an attempt to wake himself, “Why are you here though?” He asked, slow in the uptake.

Hansol was about to reply when Seungkwan dashed to the laptop abruptly, knocking over an empty aluminium can in the middle. Without a second word, he picked up the laptop and turned the screen to the americans, hand trembling.

On the screen was the publishing page of the song on the school forum, the number of comments and plays exceeding a thousand, and it was only ten minutes since the song was posted.

“Mind explaining?” Joshua inquired, taking note of the puzzled expression of the composer.

“I was listening to Say Yes before I fell asleep… might have pressed the publishing button accidentally in my sleep, sorry Seungkwan. I could delete it immediately if you want to.” Jihoon was fully awake when he saw the website he was on, he reached out to delete it but was stopped by Joshua.

He lifted his head to meet the side view of Joshua, following the elder’s sight to a blanking out Seungkwan.

“...Kwan?” Hansol called out, gently clasping the other’s hand in his, “Jihoon-hyung’s deleting the song, it’s fine now, no one knows it’s you, they don’t recognize your voice.”

But Seungkwan didn’t response, his eyes locked on the number of comments, the tremble of hands getting more significant, as if he was fearing something.

At the same time, a happy tone jumped into the room, “Jihoon-hyung! I saw the song just then, it’s brilliant! But did you forget to…”  _ add our names on it?  _ Seokmin’s voice trailed off as he noticed the weird atmosphere in the room, how Hansol let go of Seungkwan’s hand, and how his boyfriend wiped off his tears immediately and managed to pull out a smile, as if nothing was wrong.

The grin on his own lips froze, “...What’s wrong?” 

 

///

 

The way back to their own dorm was in complete silence, Hansol focusing on the small sounds of snow with each step he made and the footprints created by Joshua who was pacing in front of him. Hansol didn’t know why he was suddenly interested in small things like this, but it’s surely not because of the embarrassed silence filling the air. Surely not.

In the meantime, the elder was fully aware of the little sounds made by the boy behind him. He wasn’t hiding from the younger this week - there’s no way he could hide consider the fact that they share the same dorm, but it’s true that he was avoiding any physical contact. He wasn’t sure how much he could take before he give in to all his urges, like now. Even though they were a few steps apart, and Hansol was behind him, he could feel his heart itching to do something with all those noises - the occasional laughs, the sound of footsteps and-

“Whoa- whoops.” 

Joshua quickly turned around after addressing a noise of someone smashing in the snow and a few giggles.

“You ok?” The elder carefully helped Hansol up form the slippery snow, almost flinching at the warm touch but he managed to keep himself in. Hansol just laughed, graciously accepting the others’ hand. 

“Yeah, I am, thanks.” He said as he swept water droplets off his coat from melted snow.

Joshua stared at his own hands for a spell, missing the warmth of the other’s hand in his but he bit his tongue and collect his hand back in his pocket, “Let’s go then, it looks like it’s going to snow.” He beckoned the sky.

“Ya, sure.” Hansol swallowed his giggles and started walking, this time, right next to Joshua. Another silence fell between them, with Hansol feeling better and Joshua feeling more uneasy.

“Do you think they’ll be fine?”

A topic unrelated to them made Joshua relaxed, “Ya, sure. As long as Seungkwan is willing to tell Seokmin what happened, it’s not a big problem Seungkwan have actually, and, you saw the comments, most of then are compliments.”

“Not a big problem?” Hansol lifted his eyebrows, “I thought you should be clueless for what he experienced?”

“Uh, I,” Joshua could hear sound of wheels turning in his head. He could brush it off with a joke like he always did, lifting his finger to his lips and smirk at the younger, but Hansol leaning forward with a suspicious look was surely not helping and his hand could only be kept in his pocket as he stiffened at the closing gap between them, “...would you be mad if I tell you I’ve been doing research of his past?”

“You… what? But why?”

“I thought I might be able to help if I knew what happened, but somehow I realize that’s not my place to do it.” Joshua wetted his lips, before suddenly raising his tone, “But that was a long time ago, I’m not doing things like this anymore.”

“But you just met him this month?” 

“I did that when… when we did the cover of ‘One Thing’ for Jihoon, when you told me your friend wouldn’t like you to post songs with your name on it.”

Hansol looked at him in silence for a while, expressionless, “You’re a true creep.”

“I know.” Joshua looked away, suddenly finding the cold air outside comfortable. Hansol always said he was a creep, a creep to a lot of things and people - Soonyoung, Seungkwan, even Seokmin were in his observation list, but the younger never knew he himself was on the top of the list.

“But a kind creep.” A smile blossomed on his face as he stood back straight, giving air to Joshua, “I’m not angry, don’t worry, you didn’t spread things out anyway, you just kept that to yourself. But, how did you find that out though? It’s only me who knew Kwan’s past?”

“Well…” Perhaps it’s the relief that washed over him when he heard the younger wasn’t mad, or maybe the cold air placed back some sense in him, Joshua got his hand out of his pocket and brought it near his lips with a smirk, “That’s a secret.”

Hansol rolled his eyes, “C’mon, where did you find out so many things without me knowing when I practically live with you?” He whined.

Joshua just shrugged, “There’s a lot you don’t know and would probably never find out.” He smiled at the younger, suddenly kneeling down, just fast enough to avoid Hansol from strangling him.

“What are you hiding from me. Tell meeee.”

He started running and Hansol followed, both panting and laughing at the same time. At the time they reach their own dorm, Joshua turned around suddenly and toasted a snowball which hit right on to Hansol’s face.

“Ya.” Hansol hopped up and strangled Joshua on the snow, wiping off the snow on him, “Catch’ya. Now, are you telling me what you’re hiding from me or not?”

Joshua let him stay on him, too tired to move an inch. He felt himself melting into the soft snow, and also into the warmth on top of him. Hansol was regaining his breath, cheeks flushed red from all the running, making great contrast to the dots of white snow hanging on his eyelashes and hair, his breath creating ghosts of white smoke in the air.

“Hansol.”

“Hmm?”

_ I like you. _ “No.” He grinned, flipping them over all of a sudden and fled into the washroom. He could hear the protests from the outside, as well as the laughters of his roommate.

He smiled.

“I like you, but no.” He whispered, “I’m not telling you. Never.”

 

///

 

Walk out of the lift, smell the familiar scent of alcohol in the air getting stronger, turn left and walk straight down to the end of the alley and push open the left door. Jeonghan had well memorized that route and could do that just by muscle memory. He had been visiting the same place for a week, and everytime was the same. 

The hospital was always quiet, at least it was for the floor which Mr Hong lived, nurse and doctors walking down in a fast pace occasionally. It was like time had stopped in the hospital with patients focusing on recovery instead of any works, meetings or worries.

Mr Hong would always greet him with a calming smile as sunlight poured around him. “You’re here.” He would say.

The two were now close enough to talk like how real father and son did. It turned out that Joshua’s father was a psychology teacher for the PhD program, the two got many common topics and Joshua’s father helped a lot in Jeonghan’s studies.

But today was different.

He saw nurses running down the alley once he left he lift. The nurse came from his left, but Jeonghan didn’t really care. It was when he saw the specific room door opened with people walking in and out that his heart dropped dangerously low. He stood there unmoved, unable to think straight, until a doctor accidentally bumped on him.

“Sorry.” The doctor muffled an apology without slowing down his pace, Jeonghan heard the doctor saying something that sound like ‘the situation is getting worse’. The man that would smile quietly when he knocked the door open was nowhere in sight, only a woman was sitting next to the clear bed, sobbing quietly.

“Mrs Hong?” Jeonghan carefully spoke. He had seen the woman for a few times when he came, she was always busy on her work of things at home since she’s the only economically active individual in the family. 

Said woman lifted her head, her vision slowly focusing, “Jeonghan, you’re here.” She smiled with clear trace of tiredness and sadness. 

“Where’s Mr Hong?” Jeonghan heard himself asking, voice almost pleading, hoping the answer wasn’t what he thought it would be.

“In the emergency room, the disease worsened all of a sudden…” She replied, obviously exhausted. 

Jeonghan felt his head in a fuzz. The man was always so calm and normal that he almost forgot he suffered from heart disease. But reality hit him, hard.

All those time he tried to figure ways to know the attitude of Mr Hong towards homosexuality, casually bringing up the topic, almost forgetting why Joshua had been avoiding this since forever until this came.

He had a heart disease, and now it’s worsening. Jeonghan felt his head spinning, 

“...but he’d be fine.” Jeonghan heard Mrs Hong muttering, “He’d be fine, like everytime in the past. He’d be fine after the surgery and everything would resume to normal .” She repeated herself again and again, as if it could make her words real.

Jeonghan stood there for a moment until he suddenly remembered something. He quickly pulled out his phone and inserted a number, only to be grabbed by the arm when he pressed the call button.

“Who are you calling?”

“Shua of course, he should be here in times like this, at least stay for a few months before going back-”

“Don’t.” It was as if the helpless woman weeping the last few minutes didn’t exist, Joshua’s mother had her grip tightened, eyes determined, Don’t call him he shouldn’t know about this.”

“But why? It’s his father! In the emergency room! What if he couldn’t see him again? He have to be here.”

“He’d be fine, like everytime, Jisoo would see him again, but not now.” She insisted.

“But-”

“Han?” Joshua’s voice cut him off, and Jeonghan could see the woman staring at the phone, sight blurred. He frowned a little.

“You don’t usually call this time of the day, anything urgent?” Joshua went on after getting no response from the blonde.

“Shua, I-” Once again, the hand that was still on his arm tightened, ‘please.’ said the eyes of the woman in silence, sad but firm, “I… pressed the wrong button, nothing urgent here.” 

“O…kay.” Joshua didn’t sound convinced but let it go nonetheless, “You know you could always call me when you need it right?”

“Ya, sure.” Jeonghan replied half-mindedly, “I know, thanks.” And he hung the phone.

“Thanks.” Mrs Hong retrieved her hand once the call ended and sank back to her original seat, sulked.

“Am I selfish?” She asked out of the blue after some silence. Jeonghan obviously couldn’t get where the question came from judging by his puzzled expression and so he opted to remain silent.

“I didn’t know if I was right to agree with Joshua’s father, but somehow, it’s better for both of them… from my selfish perspective that is.” She laughed to herself.

“What do you mean by ‘it’?” Jeonghan knew it wasn’t a good timing to interrupt, but the words left his lips before he realize it.

Mrs Hong slowly turned her head to him, “None of them told you? I thought...” She let out a sudden laugh, shaking her head, “Ofcourse they didn’t.”

Jeonghan remembered hearing the same sentence from Mr Hong before.

“I miss him.” She closed her eyes in exhaustion, “But I could only miss him.”

“Because that’s the only reason for his father to say strong and fight the disease. I know it must be hard for Jisoo, but at least both of them are still… here.”

She stared blankly at the white bedsheets, hands unconsciously placing on the pillows where her husband laid on, “I am selfish, ain’t I?”

 

///

 

The talent show came in no time, Hansol decided not to find Soonyoung and leave space for the elder to decide whether to go or not himself. He dived through the crowd and met Seungcheol and Joshua at the front row - credits to Seungcheol who went for the seats since all of the others have classes.

“I thought I would be late.” Hansol sat down next to the two, “My classroom was pretty far from here.” 

“They might not be any better than you.” Seungcheol said as he checked his phone, “Wonwoo and Chan are on their way, still no texts from Mingyu, Jun and Minghao though, probably being forced to stay by their professors.”

“By the way Cheol, did Han call you yesterday? He called me in the afternoon yesterday, but he didn’t tell me anything, I’m afraid he might be hiding something from us.” The worry was apparent in Joshua’s question, he thought he would be replied with a clueless, or worried face but Seungcheol’s expression was far more than that.

“Did you… hear anything yesterday? ...Not about Han but other things?”

“...No?” Joshua tilted his head in confusion as their role reversed, “I fell asleep last night right after classes because I was too tired, I didn’t have the time to do any other things.” 

“I can prove that.” Hansol piped in from their side, “He slept until this morning. Why? I didn’t hear there’s any breaking news in school.”

“...Nothing.” Seungcheol touched his nose, a gesture he would do whenever he was nervous, “Just asking.” The americans exchanged a glance, discussing if they should push further through eye contacts when Chan arrived.

“Am I late?” The youngest questioned, removing his padded jacket, “It’s sooo cold outside.”

“Obviously not.” Seungcheol thanked Chan internally as he smiled to the dancer, “Only half of us are here.”

“Is… Soonyoung-hyung coming?” Chan asked cautiously, “I talked to him this morning but he didn’t seem like he would. I feel like I can’t help on anything.” He bit his lips in guilt.

The other three shared a look, before sighing in unison, “We don’t know Chan, but it’s not your fault, you have did your best to help.” Seungcheol patted the head of the youngest gently, pulling him to take a seat.

“Do you think he would?” Hansol asked quietly by Joshua’s ear. It’s almost a habit that they would exchange opinions on things like this.

“He would, but probably just from afar, not a solution to their problem if Jihoon doesn’t take a leap.” Joshua whispered back, “What about Seungkwan, you told me he’s singing with Seokmin?” A few squeals stopped Hansol from answering, the two turned to find more students were entering the hall, causing the place to be more crowded and noisy.

“Ya, thanks to Seokmin and all those positive comments their song received, but ‘m still worried, you know, singing live is still different.” Hansol said, shifted closer to let Joshua listen to him clearer, lips almost touching the other’s ears.

“I thought-” Joshua turned his head to whisper back, stiffening when he realize their positions were so similar to that night at Seungkwan’s dorm. His eyes flickered down to the younger’s lips and he caught the other doing the same.

_ Stop that. _ His mind warned him.  _ Stop, right now.  _


	16. Sunset

> The sun is sinking into the ocean, bringing away the colors it had with it as things settle in their accordance. While the observer stands in the breeze, alone.

“I thought-” Joshua’s mind went blank at the moment he turned, forgetting what he wanted to say. His line of sight shifted from the younger’s lips to the rosy cheeks as Hansol uncomfortably scooted further with a fake cough.

_ Is he blushing? _ Joshua couldn’t help but chuckle at the cuteness, causing Hansol to send him a warning glare, asking him not to laugh at his flusterness, but that just added fuel to fire. The two soon burst into a feast of laughter. 

Seungcheol gave them a weird look, “The show’s starting, could you two keep quiet?” It was only then when Joshua realize the other’s have arrived the venue, he gulped, swallowing all his chuckles.

“Sure.”

///

Seungkwan had been fidgeting his fingers non-stop since he and Seokmin entered the backstage, his lyrics sheet laid in front of him, earphones plugged in, revising the song over and over again.

They are the first team to perform, and that doubles the pressure of Seungkwan. (“That’s a tradition, the two most popular performances starts and ends the show.” “Who’s ending then?” “Jihoon-hyung of course, he’s always the last to perform.”) 

“You could choose not to perform if you’re uncomfortable about it.” Seokmin offered carefully, “I prepared another song you know so you don’t have to force yourself in this…”

“I’m doing it, you want us to, don’t you?” Seungkwan stopped him with a smile, “I, I can do this.” He said, more like telling himself as he dived himself back to the lyrics sheet. There was a sudden warmth enveloping him from his back, he turned around to find Seokmin’s worried eyes.

“I want to, of course I do, but I don’t want you to push yourself too far.” The singer buried his head in the crook of his lover’s neck, inhaling the familiar scent as he nuzzled his nose into the locks, “You never told me what happened, I never knew how I could help you, the only thing I could do is to ask you directly - if you say no, I’ll ask them to change the song immediately.” 

The warmth and determination in the words made Seungkwan felt secure, he relaxed himself and leaned backwards, melting himself in the embrace.

“I know, but I want to.” He said softly, the voice of Hansol replaying in his mind, “I have you, right? I don’t have to fear anything.”

“Ya.” Seokmin pulled his boyfriend closer and planted a kiss on the forehead, “You don’t.”

///

Soonyoung never knew walking into the event hall could be this hard. The cheers inside were telling him the event had started, showing great contrast to the silence of his surroundings. The warmth of the theatre hall was tempting him in, the cheers of the crowd were moving hie steps closer, but he stopped himself again one step behind the entrance. Instead, he turned around and laid his back on the wall, watching as snowflakes fell softly on the ground, melting in the spread of white.

One landed on an old, bare oak tree. 

_ Go in.  _

One settled on the rocky pathway.

_ Not to go in. _

Another in the bushes. 

__Go in._ _  
_ _Not to go._ _  
_ _Go._ _  
_ _Not to. _  
__Go. _ _   
_ __ Not to.

 

_...Not to. _

///

Simple piano notes softly left the speakers, resounding in the theatre to form a beautiful melody in the air. Seungkwan didn’t notice how hard he was gripping on his mic until he held it up to his lips. The eyes of the audience were all fixated on him, solidifying themselves into icy spikes that stings him all over. He remembered those auditions he took, numerous times when he got turned down by different judges and companies, the harsh comments and judging faces that still haunted him at night. He opened his mouth but no sound came out, missing the correct beat to enter.

He caught Seokmin casting him a worried glance sideways, and gulped.  _ You wouldn’t want to let him down, don’t you. _

He took a deep breath to regain his composure when Seokmin’s voice came in, singing his part for him, sending him an encouraging smile as he did.

_ I really want to see you so much. _  
__ _ I know this is not allowed, but I try to turn back time. _

Seokmin beckoned him to continue and Seungkwan did as told.

_ I lean on one side of the room, and call out your name. _  
__ _ Say yes. _  
__ __ But only your forgotten voice come back.

He heard the audience cheering, his friends smiling at him at the front row, giving him thumbs up for his live singing. He felt someone holding his hand gently and the shouts went louder. He turned to see Seokmin smiling at him as he sang his lines.

They should be standing apart throughout the whole song to fit in the lyrics of the song, but Seokmin walked all the way from his side to stand next to him. Just like how he ran all the way from the rooftop to confess to him, and wait all the way for him to tell him what happened.

He smiled, returning a firm grip to Seokmin as they shared a loving stare. 

The song soon came to an end before any of them realize.

“You did it.” He heard Seokmin whispering by his ears, and Seungkwan felt tears rolling down his face.

“I did it.” He whispered back, hugging his boyfriend, “Thanks.”

///

The loud cheerings and squeals went all the way out of the hall and into Soonyoung’s ears, who was still standing by the entrance, back on the wall and eyes on the snowflakes. He smiled to himself.

_ Looks like Seungkwan and Seokmin had their problems solved. _

He could still hear the performances from where he was, could still guess what happened in there, so there’s no reason for him to get in, right? Just like how he could still caught sight of how Jihoon was doing after they broke up, there’s no need to find him again, right?

...Except it’s cold out here. Really cold. There’s no sign of the snow to stop, the road continues thickening itself with blankets of white, and the warmth from the hall that lingers on his exposed skin is luring. Soonyoung unconsciously lifted himself up from the wall, taking a step towards the entrance. 

A snowflake landed right in front of his feet. He froze at his spot, staring as the white patch melted into the ground.

_..Not to. _

 

///

 

“Jihoon? You’re next.” One of the student staff’s responsible for the talent show called out. Jihoon nodded mindlessly as a response, picking up his acoustic guitar and music sheet before inhaling deeply.

“I never thought I would get a chance to see you sing on stage though.” The student staff, also Jihoon’s classmate from music class sensed his anxiousness and smiled, “Is it because it’s your last year?”

_ Is it?  _ Jihoon asked himself. It all started when Joshua persuaded him to walk in that coffee shop under the reason of ‘University’s ending soon and I don’t want you to leave any regrets’. All at once, Jihoon thought he could hear the sound of bells of the coffee shop ringing behind him as memories ran through his brain. The first time they officially met, when Soonyoung discovered their encounter was made up, and when his first crush finally blossomed.

“Ya… it is.” He smiled to his classmate, “I don’t want to leave regrets, and this is the last thing I have to do before I graduate.”

The staff nodded knowingly before pulling open the thick curtains that leads Jihoon to the stage. The composer slowly walked out into the spotlight, looking down to the audience. He saw his friend group on the front row mouthing him ‘Fighting’s but the boy he wanted to see wasn’t there. He shifted his gaze to the larger scene, but Soonyoung’s still nowhere in sight. 

A swept of disappointment filled up his lungs as he sat down on the chair and fixated the guitar on his lap. After doing those, he lifted his head to grab the mic and that’s when he saw the familiar figure with the noticeable red hair standing next to the entrance.

He smiled.

 

/ //

It didn’t take Soonyoung a second look the confirm the boy on stage was Jihoon, even though his brain told him he couldn’t be. Jihoon never sang publicly, all his stages and songs were performed by others. Almost no one, except their friend circle and perhaps some of Jihoon’s classmates knew Jihoon and Woozi were the same person.

But there he was, with his guitar ready to sing for the first time with his name Woozi. Soonyoung never heard Jihoon sing. Sure, he heard a lot of the humming when he made songs, but he never heard him sing seriously. 

He waited for the introduction of the song, but Jihoon said nothing, instead, he went straightly to running his fingers through the guitar and started singing.

_ Sometimes i just don't know why _

_ Thoughts like that just appear lately _

_ You, who is so happy and beautiful _

_ And the us right now, who are doing well _

His voice was soft, silky and soothing. But Soonyoung wasn’t focusing on that.

_ I always _  
__ _ Only receive from you _  
__ _ So I’m so thankful and sorry _  
__ _ To the point of tears _  
__ _ I wanna hug you _  
__ _ But I feel nervous for some reason _  
__ _ Why am I hesitating? _  
__ __ I don’t wanna be like this

_ Just like the sky is high and the wind is cold _  
__ _ Like the ocean is wide and blue _  
__ _ I’m afraid that _  
__ _ I’ll take you for granted _  
__ _ I think that’s why I’m being like this _  
__ _ I’m nervous about that _  
__ __ What if I lose you?

Soonyoung didn’t know when did he crossed the entrance, or how did he stepped closer and closer to the stage. But when the music ended and Jihoon started talking through the mic, he was already in the middle of the crowd, eyes glued on the small figure on stage, shining under the stage lights.

“I never told publicly that I’m the composer Woozi, nor did I sang any of my songs, but this song is different, so I decided to sing it myself, to dedicate it to an important person.” Jihoon started his speech. 

“We’re both famous people in the campus, even though in some sense I’m not, but somehow we managed to avoid all the spotlights we might gain for the news that we were dating.” A few squeals from the audience cut him off, Jihoon laughed a bit at their reaction, before continuing, “I never told him I love him to one point that I realize I might be taking him for granted, doing too little for our relationship. We kind of went through an argument with he claiming I don’t love him the way I think I do.” The audience went silent this time. Hansol casted Joshua a worried look, who simply smiled at him and pointed to Soonyoung’s direction. The younger’s face lit up and smiled back, leaning his back on the chair.

“That’s why… I’m pushing myself into the spotlight now, telling everyone who I really am, and to shout out to everyone here, including him.”

“Kwon Soonyoung, I love you.”

There were cheers from the crowd, someone near him shouted a loud ‘Soonyoung is here!’ causing all eyes on the dancer, giving way and pushing him to get on stage. Soonyoung’s eyes met the pair of Jihoon’s, and soon, both of them are smiling.

Soonyoung popped himself on stage with his well-built muscles from years of dancing and pulled Jihoon into a tight embrace, “I love you.” He whispered in the shorter’s ears, “I told you a lot of times when you’re not listening because I’m afraid you won’t say it back, even though you might know it by heart.”

“I know. I heard it but I was too shy to reply…” A blush crept it’s way to Jihoon’s cheek and  Soonyoung’s smile widened, eyes narrowing into two lines resembling 10:10.

“Remember that compensation I said I’ll repay when I find you to help on Cheol-hyung’s proposal?”

“Ya, why?”

“I’m paying you now.” Jihoon smirked at the questioning face of Soonyoung and leaned in. Their lips pressed together, slowly familiarizing themselves to each other’s temperature, shape and taste, and eventually started moving in sync.

The crowd’s going wild, but none of them cared. Somewhere in there, Mingyu crushed on Wonwoo for a backhug, Minghao and Jun tightened their hands linking together, Seungkwan was caught in Seokmin’s embrace and a soft ‘I love you’ that brought a smile on his lips, Seungcheol gave them a disgusting look and covered Chan’s eyes (which was pushed away) as he started to miss Jeonghan. Hansol stole a glance of Joshua who smiled at the couple on stage, sighing contently.

 

///

 

“I thought I would at least get two person to send me to the airport.” Seungcheol let out a fake sigh, “Am I that unloveable.” He pouted.

Hansol laughed a bit, “The other’s all went to the train station to head home and Wonwoo went to farewell Mingyu, Jun and Minghao had language classes for the holiday, I’m here so you won’t be too lonely.” He hugged his eldest hyung, “Don’t be so bitter, you have your lover over Los Angeles.” 

The fake pout stretched into a smug smile at the mention of Jeonghan, “You’re right. Are you coming tomorrow though?”

“I wanna, but Josh said he’s leaving at midnight and forbid me to.” Hansol said, “I’ll be going home tonight.” 

“Hopefully.” Seungcheol murmured.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing.” Seungcheol smiled, “Gotta get going, take care.” He gave Hansol two heavy pats on the back, getting out an ‘ouch’ from the younger, before turning away with a wave of his hand, “Bye.”

Hansol shook his head at the childishness of his hyung and walked away as well, not surprised when he found the dorm already half-empty with most of Joshua’s things gone.

“And he said he’s leaving at midnight.” He huffed, “Is avoiding others fun?”

Joshua, on the other hand, was not in where Hansol thought he would be. His luggage quietly sitting next to him and a plane ticket in hand, crumbled as he tightened his fist on it. He looked up and gazed at the big cross hanging in front of him, sight slowly blurring out.

“Joshua?” 

Said boy immediately wiped away his tears and turned to the voice owner, “Mrs. Park.” He smiled at the women he knew since he set his foot on Korea. The clergy returned a heart-warming smile as she sat next to him.

“Need someone to talk to?”

Joshua stared at the ticket for a spell, hands caressing the printed words of ‘Los Angeles’. Then, in one swift motion, he teared the ticket into half and crumpled it into a ball.

“...Nah. It’s fine.” He inhaled deeply.

 

“...I’m fine.”


	17. Bandages

 

 

> **You’ll only know if a wound is healed if you peel off the bandage.**

“Hi Babe, I miss you.” Jeonghan hugged his boyfriend for the first time in months.

“I miss you too.” Seungcheol kissed Jeonghan on the forehead before walking out of the airport, hands linked, “How are you these days? Everything fine?”

“If you’re talking about school, everything’s great except there isn’t a coffee shop owned by my fiance that offers me my favourite Caramel Macchiato every morning.”

Seungcheol laughed slightly, “I brought all I need to serve you, princess.” He tapped the tip of the younger's nose, a pamper smile on his lips.

“Really?” Seungcheol nodded, earning a squeal from the other, “I love you.” He jumped to hug his boyfriend, making the other embarrassed.

Jeonghan chuckled at the reddening cheeks and planted a kiss on it. “You did that on purpose didn’t you.” Seungcheol pulled the boy off him and shoved his head lightly, causing more chuckles to leave the boys lips.

“And why do you have to ask when you know the answer?” Jeonghan winked at his boyfriend, who blushed furiously and turned to leave in embarrassment.

“Hey don’t go, I’m not done with my answer.” He chased after Seungcheol, who stopped instantly to wait for him.

“I know you’re not,” He held the hands of Jeonghan again and resumed walking, “how’s Shua’s father?”

“The doctor says his health conditions are fine now, but I still need more time to figure out what’s between him and Shua.” The blonde replied, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to get those answers sooner or later though.”

“There’s more, did I mention he refused to leave Los Angeles with me or to meet up with us? He said he wants more time with his parents but he’s not even contacting his family.” Seungcheol added.

“He’s obviously not coming back then, I wonder why.” Jeonghan sighed, “He came back last year, I was the one who sent him to the airport. Why isn’t he coming back this year?” He furrowed his eyebrows, deep in thought.

“Who knows… are we heading to the hospital today?”

“Yah, after you put your luggage in my home and make me a cup of Caramel Macchiato though.”

“Sure.”

 

///

 

Joshua was on his earphones when the door slammed open.

“Weird, the door’s not locked… Josh?” He scrambled up from his bed at the familiar voice, “I thought you’re home in Los Angeles?” Hansol asked shockingly as he stuffed his keys in his backpack.

“I- Why are you here?”

“I left my phone charger and some clothes here.” Hansol replied, scanning through the house in search for the things mentioned.

“Charger’s on the left drawer of your desk and that bag of clothes is behind the headboard of your bed, I thought you packed those up because you’re not wearing it again so I just stuff it there when I cleaned the dorm.”

Hansol found the things by the instruction, “Thanks. Now, your turn to answer, why are you here?” He stood in front of Joshua, arms folding.

“I-” Left something here? Obviously not reasonable. Came back earlier than scheduled? It’s only two days after he ‘left’ Seoul. The airplane delayed? Funny reason. Joshua bit his bottom lip and lowered his head. Tell Hansol the truth? He can’t.

Hansol debated himself to push or to let things settle. There was an urge in him to go for the first but he knew that wouldn’t earn him answers when the one being questioned was Joshua.

He sighed, “Josh.” He put down his arms and kneeled down to get the elder looking at him, “I’m not going to push you if you don’t want to tell me the reason. I’m just worried about you.”

“Thanks Hansol.” He said averting eye contact, he can’t stand those pity and worries in the hazelnut eyes, looking at him as if he’s vulnerable. And he hated the feeling of being helpless or pitied. He just hoped Hansol could leave sooner and he could escape that feeling.

But Hansol didn’t, he stayed and stared at the elder for a while, to a point that Joshua turned his gaze to Hansol, “Aren’t you leaving?” He questioned.

“Yah, I am.” Hansol replied half-mindedly, still fixing his gaze on the elder as if he was considering something, “But… I’m leaving only if you’re coming with me.” He beamed when he made up his mind.

“What?” Joshua was sure he looked puzzled at the sudden invitation.

“I said I’m leaving only if you come with me. If you’re staying here, I’ll stay as well.” Hansol repeated pulling open Joshua’s drawer as he picked some of the clothes Joshua usually wore out.  
  
“But Hansol, you should spend time with your parents.” Joshua picked himself out of his bed, trying to stop whatever the younger boy is doing.

“I know, that’s why you’re coming with me.” Hansol held a triumphant smile on his lips telling Joshua he won’t win for this, “Pack up, you know I’m not gonna leave you alone in this dorm and I know you would force me to head home by all means.” He smirked.

Joshua sighed and let go of Hansol’s hand, “Fine.” Hansol cheered happily as he helped Joshua with the packing.

“My parents would be happy that you’re here, Sofia’s been asking when you would visit us again ever since I told her you sing and play the guitar a lot better than me.” Hansol chuckled at the thought of his little sister, he rambled on a lot of his family and fun things that happened all the way from the school to his home. And Joshua couldn’t help but smile at the excitement on the boys face, feeling better at the decision, even though, well, he didn’t have a choice to be honest.

 

///

 

“Hi, Mr Hong, you feeling better? Oh and hi Mrs Hong.” Jeonghan greeted in a polite manner while Seungcheol bowed from behind.

The woman smiled in repond, “Hi Jeonghan, I’ll leave him to you for a bit to prepare lunch.” She nodded slightly to Seungcheol and left the room.

“This is?” Mr Hong eyed the unfamiliar face in the room.

“I’m Seungcheol, Friend of Joshua… and Jeonghan.” Seungcheol bowed as Jeonghan pulled him to sit beside the bed.

The man lifted his eyebrows, “...Friend?” Seungcheol caught Jeonghan frowning sideways, “Well nice to meet you.” He smiled.

Seungcheol winced at that, the smile was knowing and innocent at the same time, “Nice to meet you too, Mr Hong.” He tried his best not to stutter.

“Is anything wrong?” The man noticed the uneasiness.

 _It’s like talking to another Joshua._ Seungcheol shuddered a bit at the thought. _That smile is totally the same when Han first introduced me to him. Creepy._ But that’s not really nice to tell this to someone you just met.

The man was still holding a questioning look, Seungcheol thought for a while before settling on, “I was just wondering, Shua never told us about you.”

Jeonghan noticed how Mr Hong glanced out of the window at the mention of the boys name. He smiled, “I’ve pass the test last week with your help, I guess I owe you a thanks.”

“Don’t be. I’d be really bored here if it’s not you.” Mr Hong replied, “Teens nowadays got different views on psychological theories, and it’s always fun to exchange ideas with them. It makes me remember my times teaching in the graduated institution. Joshua used to want me to be his teacher when his was small, that’s how he first started to develop interest in psychology. But then he left to Korea because he says he wanted to challenge himself.” He smiled at the thought.

“I didn’t know that.” Jeonghan stood up from his place, “Do you want fruits? I heard people say eating fruits before proper meals is good for health.”

“Is that a trend in Korea? Do you and Jisoo do that during your universities?”

“I don’t know,  just saw it from the internet.” Jeonghan shrugged, “I don’t really eat fruits.”

“I’ve seen you eating all kinds of fruits these days, Han. Finally impatient?” The man snickered.

“Because you’ve been pretending you didn’t notice for weeks Mister.” Jeonghan sat back down and retorted, “You’re the one who pointed it out so I assume you’re the one who lose.” He smiled back.

The two stared at each other until Seungcheol spoke up, “Can someone explain the situation? I feel totally isolated here.” He was unable to get a single hint on what they were talking about or where things are going.

“Well, this boy came to take care of me since… last month I think, and what we mostly talk about is psychology or Joshua apparently. I tell him about his childhood while he tell stories in their university. But then starting from some day, whenever I mention Joshua’s name, he would change the topic. It wasn’t that apparent at first, but he slowly made it obvious, refusing to tell me anything about him, for it be past memories or his current situation.” Mr Hong beckoned the blonde, “Why?”

“Like you didn’t figure it out.” Jeonghan tilted his head with a challenging look.

Mr Hong sighed, “You’re really… Fine, what do you want to know?”

“Like… why he isn’t here even it’s Christmas? Why is his most frequently contact number the hospital but not you or his mother or home? And why you know nothing about his senior years?” The questions came out like a train.

“And in return?”

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

“I only have one request - Don’t tell him anything about me.”

The couple exchanged glances and nodded, deciding to agree for now, as long as they could finally get the answers.

 

///

 

“I’m not sleeping in the guest room?” Joshua asked once he stepped in Hansol’s room. It’s not his first time to visit the room, but he wasn’t in the mood of visiting last time, so he felt like it’s the first.

“The heater there is not functioning.” Hansol replied, clearing the stuff on his bed, “Sorry it’s a bit messy here.”

“You don’t have to, I’ve been living with you for 2 years, I know you’re messy.” Joshua placed his luggage next to the wardrobe, “But where should I put my clothes and stuff?”

“Well… just put it in the guest room, there’s a closet, and you’ll sleep here with me.”

“Sounds fair.” Joshua nodded.

“Oppa, dinner’s ready.” Sofia pipped her head into the room, “It’s movie night tonight! Joshua Oppa, can you play the guitar after the movie? I really want to hear you sing, _please_ ?” She pleaded in an adorable way that Joshua could do nothing but nod.

“Why do you never use honorifics when you talk to me?” Hansol interrupted.

“We talk in English usually.” The girl simply shrugged, “It’s weird to use honorifics with you to be honest.” She chuckled at the face Hansol gave her.

“And you never use honorifics when you talked to me, Hansol.” Joshua snorted.

“That’s because you said you don’t care.” Hansol defended.

“I tell that to everyone but only you really do so.”

“Nevermind that, take your luggage to the guest room and let’s have dinner.” He moved towards the door and pushed his sister out as he walked towards the dining room. He heard the slight chuckle of Joshua from behind and smiled.

“Sofia.” He bent down to whisper in the girl’s ear after making sure Joshua’s in the guest room, “Don’t ask why he’s not heading home, or mention anything about his family, remember?”

“I’m not stupid Hansol _Oppa_. I know.” She stuck her tongue out to her elder brother and fled towards the dining table right after she made the face, stifling laughs on her way.

 

///

 

“Guitar time!” Sofia cheered as she hopped on Hansol’s bed. The family had finished dinner and a movie and went back to their own rooms except Sofia. Joshua was halfway to sleep when the movie ended but the excitement on the girls face pulled him up from the coach.

“Sorry Josh.” Hansol whispered when he handed Joshua the guitar, “I’ll make sure you could wake up as late as you want tomorrow morning.”

“You said that.” Joshua chuckled as he put the guitar strap over him, “What do you want to listen to, Sofia?”

“Anything you’re good at.” The girl replied, eyes fixed on the guitar.

Hansol settled himself on the mat, sitting cross legged, “Sunday Morning it is then.” He murmured, giggling when he caught Joshua glaring at him, “That’s what you sing whenever someone ask you to play something random.”

“But Sofia never heard it before.” Joshua ignored the complain he received and started strumming the guitar strings.

 

_Sunday morning, rain is falling_

_Steal some covers, share some skin_

_Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable_

_You twist to fit the mold that I am in_

_But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do_

_And I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if I knew_

_That someday it would lead me back to you_

_That someday it would lead me back to you_

_That may be all I need_

_In darkness, she is all I see_

_Come and rest your bones with me_

_Driving slow on Sunday morning_

_And I n_ _ever want to leave_

 

Sofia was the first to clap when the song ended, “Can you sing another one?”

“Well… any suggestions?’ He turned to Hansol.

Hansol tilted his head and thought for a while, “What about the song you sang me last time?”

“Which?”

“The one you sang on the rooftop. I’ve never heard you singing that except that one time.”

“Oh that.” There was a spark of hesitant in Joshua’s eyes but he covered it quickly, that’s not a song he would always want to sing, “I... don’t really remember how to play that but I’ll try.” He said, he’s really not good at refusing others. He took a deep breath and started running his fingers through the strings.

 

 _I’m so in love with you in the morning_  
_When I start to think of you tears are falling_  
_It doesn’t matter no one sees you bleeding_  
_But I want you to know that I hear you crying_

_You said, “Anyone can show me where to be?”_

_You have a heart that I still believed in_   
_You’ll never lose it if you try to stop all the fighting_   
_It  doesn’t matter if you feel like nothing_   
_You know I love you and I’ll sing the song with blessing_

_Sing it, “Everyone can show me where to live.”_

_“Everyone will…”_

 

Hansol lifted his head up when the music stop abruptly. Joshua seemed to be zoning out, blindly staring at his fingers on the strings of the guitar. There was moments of silence before he slowly lifted his head up, “Sorry, I forgot how to play the rest of it.” He smiled apologetically, “What about another song?”

The siblings exchanged a look, “I’m getting sleepy, perhaps tomorrow?” Sofia yawned, “You’ll be staying here for the week right?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t.” Sofia jumped off the bed, “Night oppa.” She smiled and left the room.

“Let’s sleep as well.” Hansol switched off the light, leaving the bedside lamp glooming in the dark and climbed on the bed and sat next to Joshua who was still in daze, “You okay?” He questioned.

Joshua slowly turned his head to Hansol, meeting the pair of hazelnut eyes. Perhaps it was the song, or the worries in the eyes, or maybe he was on edge for too long that he finally can’t stand it, “I’m not.” He blurted.

 

“Hansol, I’m not.”


	18. Matryoshka Doll

> **I heard your heartbeat from outside the wall, followed it only to find another wall. If someday you get tired of being trapped in the bonds, I’ll be here waiting with all my fond.**

“That song was my father’s favourite song, also the song he sings to me whenever I’m down or depressed.” Joshua curled himself up at the corner of the bed while Hansol sat beside him, he didn’t really know why he was telling Hansol things he hid for years, or why he could still smile at the thought of his father, but he knew his brain was a mess and he need to clear it by talking out, “He’s… a great father, only if he’s less stubborn.” His eyes dimmed slightly.

“He was the one who showed me the world of psychology and taught me a lot of psychological theories even when I was in secondary.” 

“Do you know I used to have a pet dog named Lucy? But it died at my age of 10. And I never have a pet after that. Those partings hurt. But my father told me partings are what we must experience in life, and I should be facing it instead of avoiding it. He barely show affection in daily life, he usually act as a wise father. But that day, he hold me in his arms and sang me that song for the first time.”

Joshua’s fingers found their way through the guitar strings. He didn’t even have to look where they were going to play the correct notes, the song was carved in his heart, and there’s no way he could forget it.

Even though he hadn’t played it for a long time.

“Those were some of the times I miss a lot when I’m in Korea. Other times were the times when I’m with my friends from America. It’s not like I’m lonely here, I just… would think about them sometimes.”

“I got a lot of friends on America at that time, but most of them became nothing other than names on my Facebook friend list. There are still a few really close friends I had who kept in touch with me. Those were things I treasured the most.” Because who knows someday they would turn to a name in my memory, just like how all the others did.

Joshua talked about random things that appeared in his mind, about his family, his father and his childhood. Things he had, he missed and things he was thankful for. There wasn’t any linkage between each event that he mentioned, just pieces of memories of him and his family. Those memories didn’t really explain the depression of the elder and why Joshua would be triggered by the song. But Hansol didn’t push, he just sat there and listen, attentively and quietly.

“At the age of 18, I told him I want to challenge myself by studying in Korea. He showed full support on my decision telling me to go back whenever I miss home. I said I’ll at least achieve something in Korea before coming back and make them proud.”

“My family was ordinary but happy at that time.” Joshua smiled to Hansol, “Just like yours. My parents are supportive to my future decisions and we’re really close, chatting on phone everyday… but that was until two years ago.” He rested his head on the headboard of the bed and stared at the dark ceiling. Hansol unconsciously shifted closer to the elder, knowing the story had came to the most important part.

 

///

 

“Two years ago, I was found that I have heart disease and an operation have to be made. He came to the States from Korea to take care of me and that lasted for a year. The operation was a success but it didn’t fully cure me, and so I have to stay in the hospital for most of the time.” Joshua’s father looked out of the window, “He insisted to stay in America to take better care of me but I refused.” His words were short and straight to the point, as if he didn’t want to recall the past, but it’s still enough for Jeonghan and Seungcheol to get all the important information.

“I told him I’ll be fine with his mother here in Los Angeles and he should continue his studies in Korea because that is where his life should be.”

“He surely won’t comply.” Jeonghan frowned, “I won’t as well if I were him.”

Mr Hong chuckled, shifting his gaze to the blonde, “You two are alike.” That was one of the reasons why Jeonghan and Joshua’s father got along quickly. The best friends have similar personalities and preferences. Being with Jeonghan reminded Mr Hong of Joshua.

“Sorry to interrupt but It’s doesn’t matter if they are alike.” Seungcheol said, “No one would like to leave their parents behind.”

The man shook his head slightly and sighed, “I know. That’s why I must force him to leave, to live his own life and not be limited by my situation. I... told him I would only see him or contact him if he graduated from college.”

“That’s… a bit too harsh?” Seungcheol commented with a frown.

“Cross out ‘a bit’. That’s really harsh.” Jeonghan snapped, “He just wanted to spend more time with you.”

“Just imagine Seungcheol giving up his career in Korea and fly here just to stay with you Han, you’ll do the same. You’re a couple so you could break-up, but his my son, all I can do is to refuse meeting him for the time being.” Mr Hong simply stated.

Jeonghan wanted to retort but couldn’t say a word. He remembered how he almost broke up with Seungcheol when he left Korea. He didn’t want to but have to agree that the man was right. He would do the same. Seungcheol lowered his sight, obviously thinking of the same thing,

“Joshua thought I would lower my defence eventually if he stayed longer.So he stayed for another half year until he realize I’ll strictly follow what I said… and here we are.” He laughed mockingly, “Here we are, not seeing each other or talk to each other for two years, sometimes I wonder if he got angry and rather not come back again.”

“But he came back last year?” Jeonghan asked.

“He came.” Mr Hong turned to the window again, “It was Christmas Day when he came. He stood there, right in front of the hospital door. That was the only time I saw him for two years. I thought he would come back during summer break but he didn’t.”

“Have you ever regret your decision?” Seungcheol asked carefully. He can’t really understand why must Mr Hong act this way, but he respect the decision, “It must be hard.”

The man smiled and pointed out of the window, “Sometimes, I would look out for the window in search for him. I wanted to see him awfully, but at the same time, I rather not see him.”

“Sure, it’s hard, but I’ll tell myself not to regret.”

“Because I would do the same if it happens again.”

 

///

 

“I just don’t understand how could he just shut me out like that, cutting all our contact for two years, two years Hansol. Do you know what it means?” Joshua turned his gaze to Hansol. His hands were trembling as he clenched the bedsheet, eyebrows furrowed together, yet his voice was steady with only slight quivers.

“I won’t be able to know his health condition if I didn’t contact the hospital myself. I never ever heard any messages about how my family is doing, not even a bit.” Hansol guess this was the first time he saw Joshua so emotional. The boy’s tone raised as he listed out how cruel his father was, “The closest distance between me and him was when I looked up from the main entrance of the hospital, not even getting an outline or a shadow of him. All I saw was reflections of light on the window. I didn’t even know which window leads to his room.” 

There was a pause as Joshua suddenly softened his voice as if he had used up all his strength in the previous conversation. He shifted his gaze to his hands on the bed, releasing the bed sheets, “Then I thought to myself, ‘What am I doing? I come all the way from Korea to Los Angeles and I can’t even catch a glimpse of my father.’ I stood there for the whole night. There was Christmas carols in the background, there was snow, and there was me. Alone. Standing.”

“I went back to college the next day. I started studying like crazy, earned credits for early graduation just because I wanted to see him again as soon as possible.”

“But then there are times I stop and think, what if I go back only to find my father already in heaven? What if all I get in return for the graduation certificate... is a death declaration?” Hansol saw how Joshua’s fist clenched together again, harder this time, and how he shut his eyes in exhaustion, “I should treasure the time with my family, spend more time in the States instead of studying but-” Joshua bit his bottom lip to restrain the overwhelming emotions. 

Hansol gently wrapped his hands on Joshua’s and hushed, “Shhh, slowly Josh, slowly.” He scooted closer and patted the elders back, “I’m here, there’s no need to rush.” 

Joshua took a deep breath before continuing,“But I can’t, Hansol.” He breathed out, burying his head in his knees, “I can’t.”

“Shhh, don’t talk.” Hansol whispered, “I know it’s hard, I know you’re afraid, but you’re doing well Josh. It’s late December now, and you could be back in two months time. Nothing bad will happen.” He said as he gently pushed Joshua’s head on his shoulders and carved his fingers through the boys hair.

“Last week… just last week I received a call from the hospital.” Joshua sank himself into Hansol’s embrace, unconsciously closing his eyes and snuggled closer to the younger. Perhaps it’s the warmth from Hansol that made him secure, “His condition was suddenly worsened and I only knew it after he was stable again. It wasn’t the first time it happened but that never made me felt better.”

“Instead, it gets worse every time. Helpless, fear, perplexed… they were all eating me up. Each and every time.” 

“But nothing really bad happened right?” Hansol shushed him as his hand went to Joshua's ear piercings, “And I believe nothing would.”

“Because God would never let kind people suffer, we just need to learn to believe it.” He brushed his fingers through the cross that glistened under the bedside light.

Joshua smiled at the sentence and lifted his head slightly to look at Hansol, “I hope so.”

Hansol could see sparks in those eyes in the dark that resembles the reflection of stars. There was exhaustion, sadness and a bit of hope that made his heart ache. He wanted to cover those eyes and wash away the sorrow so badly. He wanted to pull the elder into a tight hug so he didn’t have to stubbornly reach out for distant hope in a lonely night. 

And he did.

Joshua’s eyelids fluttered shut subconsciously when Hansol leaned in. He felt a tender kiss pressed on his left eyelid, then the right in a slow and gentle way, moving down to the tip of his nose and finally, his lips. Hansol cupped the elders head gently and carefully as if it’s something fragile, tilting his head slightly to deepen the kiss.

Kisses were meant to be sweet and savouring. But Hansol find this kiss mixed with more saltiness and bitterness.

He felt the other kissing back gently, but he also felt the wetness on his cheeks, and the tight fist balling the fabric of his shirt that eventually turned into small, trembling pushes by the others hand on his chest.

Hansol slowly parted away, “Why?” He breathed out, voice laced with disbelief. He stared at the elder boy in the eyes. 

Those eyes. 

The sorrow he hoped to wipe away was thickened instead. Joshua wasn’t crying when he was talking about his father, but silent tears were now rolling down his cheeks. His slightly-parted lips trembling, eyebrows locked due to reasons Hansol never knew.

“Why?”

“Hansol, I-”

“You kissed me back.” Hansol cut him off, “You. Kissed me back.” He repeated himself sternly as if to prove something. Joshua lowered his head, not daring to look at the younger. Hansol stared at him for a while before giving in and sighed, “I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight.” He said as he pulled himself off the bed.

Hansol closed the door behind him and laid his head on it, already missing the warm air. He closed his eyes in exhaustion, “That’s not what you usually do, Chwe Hansol.” He murmured.  _ Guess I’m really in love. _ The thought stirred both sweetness and bitterness in him. 

He eyed the door one last time, “Sweet dreams Josh.” And he walked down the corridor to the guest room.

 

///

 

“Was I wrong?” Jeonghan asked as he stepped out of the hospital with Seungcheol, “Was I wrong to tell him everything? I originally planned to tell him later...”

Seungcheol gently patted the youngers head, “He would have to know sooner or later, plus, I believe things will be fine, he just needed time to think and accept it.” He gave Jeonghan a reassuring smile.

Jeonghan nodded, “Hopefully. I was so afraid he would lash out when I told him, luckily he didn’t… I always thought it is a miracle that he could come so far. The doctor said so when he described how steady Mr Hong’s health is.”

“Perhaps he knew he have to wait for Shua to be back.” Seungcheol reasoned, “And also the serene in him, that reminds me a lot of Shua.”

“Right? But it’s also that serene that made me afraid, He’s calm, too calm that I could never read him. What if he was actually freaking out in the inner, and then his disease would worsen and-” Jeonghan couldn’t continue. He remembered seeing Mrs Hong last week, broken and lose. He couldn’t imagine to see his friend that way.

“Don’t worry too much, it’ll be fine.” Seungcheol said, “You didn’t really have a choice that time.” He comforted as he remembered what happened minutes ago.

 

_ “Now, it’s my turn to ask questions.” Mr Hong turned to them with a natural expression, as if the dad who was missing his son a few moments ago wasn’t him. _

_ “What do you want to know?” _

_ “Why are you here?” _

_ The couple obviously didn’t expect this question, they thought it would be questions related to Joshua and were completely caught off-guard when they heard it, “Pardon?” _

_ “Why are you here?” The man repeated,“You told me you thought it would be a nice idea to help my son take care of me when you first came. But apparently Joshua didn’t tell you where I live, nor did you knew he wasn’t contacting us for years. Why did you have to find me without Joshua knowing?” There was something in the man that made people thought he knew everything, and that nothing could hide from those eyes. _

 

That ability to observe must be in the genes. Seungcheol shivered slightly, it reminds him of Joshua, the boy was always an observant, or a creep in Hansol’s words. He noticed how Jeonghan was still down and shook the thought away, “What you should be worrying now, is where we are going for this few days. Tomorrow’s Christmas.” He beamed, trying his best to look cheerful.

“I’ve been planning for you to come since forever.” Jeonghan smiled knowing the intention of his boyfriend and felt a spread of warmth in his chest, “There’s a amusement park I always want to go, we’ll go there first. Then we’ll go home for dinner, I bought all the ingredients needed. After that we could watch a movie, in my apartment or the theatres that’s up to you. Also…” He found himself getting more and more excited at the mentions of places, he had been imagining how would it be to visit those places with Seungcheol for a long time.

“Are you sure we could do that all in five days?” Seungcheol stopped his lover from getting overexcited.

“Why not?” Jeonghan lifted his eyebrows, “Or… you could stay longer if we can’t.”

“You know I can’t Hannie, I have to take care of the coffee shop.” He tapped the tip of the others nose that was slightly pink in the cold weather.

“I know.” The blonde pouted.

“You could visit me during your term break, then we could stay together for two months.” Seungcheol comforted, “As for today, could we just cuddle in bed? I’m pretty tired after the flight to be honest.” He rested his head on the younger's shoulders with puppy eyes filled with plead.

Jeonghan chuckled at the act, “I would love to.”

 

///

 

Hansol found himself in his room when he woke up in the morning. He frowned slightly at the sunlight peeking through the window as he pushed himself up. Joshua was nowhere in sight.

_ Shouldn’t I be in the guest room…?  _ He remembered drifting into sleep after staying up wondering for most of the night. Mostly about Joshua. 

He pulled himself out of his bed room in search for the boy, but only got a reply of ‘he went for a morning jog’ from his mother.

“He said he’ll be back after lunch.” Mrs. Chwe said, “We’ll be leaving at that time as well... Your friends are coming around that time right?

“Y-yah.”  _ Shit, he almost forgot… Joshua wouldn’t want Jun and Minghao to find out he’s here. _ Hansol quickly pulled out his phone and called the elder, only to hear that familiar ringtone blasting from his room.

_ Great. _

He sighed to noone. Now he regret inviting others to come over.


	19. Mistletoe

> Dear mistletoe, could you grant my wish? A wish I never have asked for this genuinely. I hope there’s hope in the future of me. And I hope he’ll be there with me.

Seungcheol woke up at the middle of the night, facing to his boyfriend who was still deep asleep. He held out one hand to tidy a strand of the blonde’s hair that fell to his eyes. The other muffled something and furrowed his brows, still in sleep. Seungcheol chuckled slightly and sighed in satisfaction. Touching his lover in real life had become something extravagant since Jeonghan left to the States. He’s glad they tend to treasure the time they got together more instead of growing apart. He thought as he continued playing with his lovers hair.

Jeonghan frowned at the touches and blinked opened his eyes, “You’re up?” He muffled out with a husky voice.

“Biological clock I suppose. Not really in the mood of sleeping now.” The brunette replied, “You could continue sleeping though. I’ll just lay down a bit and try to find sleep.”

Jeonghan shifted on the bed to lay his head on Seungcheol’s shoulder, “I could talk with you for a bit.” He offered, “Or do you want to have some midnight snacks?”

“The later sounds great, but you sure you’re done with sleep?”

“It’s fine, I rather spend some more time with you.” Jeonghan looked up with a smile. Seungcheol’s eyes darted to his boyfriend’s lips and back to his eyes giving Jeonghan a sign to push himself upwards and connect their lips.

It started off slow and sweet but eventually turned sloppy when Seungcheol started nipping on Jeonghan’s bottom lip. The elder flipped them over as he pressed himself closer to the other, trapping Jeonghan between his knees, causing the other to moan lowly between kisses.

They seperated after moments, both panting, “I thought we are going to eat?” Jeonghan inquired between breathes.

“Aren’t we?” Seungcheol cocked his eyebrows, chuckling lightly when the blonde pursed his lips at the joke. He got off the bed and offered his hand, “Let’s head to the kitchen, princess.”

 

///

 

“Caramel macchiato is the best.” Jeonghan sighed in satisfaction as Seungcheol put two packs of ramen in the boiling water beside him, the later can’t stop himself from smiling at how Jeonghan gets satisfied easily.

“It’s already Christmas in Korea.” Seungcheol suddenly remembered when he glanced at the clock, “I wonder what they are doing now.”

“I thought they all went home for christmas?”

“The koreans are, but I heard Jun and Minghao are staying at school, they would be celebrating with Hansol since Hansol leaves near school.” Seungcheol replied, “Shua... should be at school as well if he’s not here, I can’t think of other places he could go.” Jeonghan suddenly lifted his head at the statement, eyes widened. Seungcheol turned to him.

“I suddenly realize I forgot something.”

“And what is it?”

“Does Hansol like Shua? I mean, it’s pretty obvious Joshua’s special to him, but does he like him?” Jeonghan tapped his fingers on the mug his holding like what he did whenever he’s thinking.

“I have a feeling he does, but does he realize it?” Seungcheol shrugged, “Who knows. He’s not one who talks about his own problems, let it be relationship problems or others. Those two are the same in some perspective.”

“The difference is Hansol knows when to spill things out while Joshua keeps everything in.” Jeonghan snorted, “I hope he could learn from Hansol on that.”

“What about I text Jun and Minghao to sound Hansol out?” Seungcheol suggested as he put the cooked ramen in bowls, “You know, parties are the best occasions to find out secrets.” He smirked, handing Jeonghan one of the bowls with a sign of please.

The blonde responded with a blinding smile, “You know me best.”

 

///

 

_ Why did I forget Jun and Minghao are coming? _ Joshua thought as regret filled up his lungs. He saw the surprise on the couple’s face and the sideway glances Hansol sent them.

“Shua-hyung.” Minghao greeted as naturally as he could, “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.” Joshua replied in the most genuine smile he could put even though he was panicking in the inside. Luckily, Hansol’s parents were there to his rescue.

“We’ll leave the house to you guys, be careful with alcohol.” Mrs Chwe beamed, with her husband and Sofia following her to the door.

“See you guys tonight, oppa.” Sofia’s cheery voice tone set a smile on Joshua’s lips, “See you.” He replied but the smile faded when he met Hansol’s gaze.

He awkwardly coughed and averted eye contact, “What did you guys plan to do originally?” He turned his sight to Minghao and Jun.

“Well… there’s cake making, video games, dinner - we chose delivery - and party games on the list, so…” Jun glanced at his boyfriend, eyes screaming ‘How could we accomplish Seungcheol-hyung’s mission when Joshua is here?’ He’s never a fast thinker, Minghao, on the other hand, got an idea.

“We could have a competition on cake making if we have four people.” The younger chinese boy beamed, “Or for everything on the list, and the losing team would treat dinner.”

Joshua’s mind went short-circuited, “How?” He asked dumbly.

“Me and Jun in a team while you and Hansol in another of course.” Minghao replied matter-of-a-factly. The two americans shared a glance before awkwardly shifting gazes.

Jun took note of that and scowled, “Is there a problem?”

Hansol quickly pulled out a smile, “That’s unfair, you know I totally can’t cook.” He pouted slightly, “And two cakes would be a bit too much. What about we just make one together?” He suggested. 

“That’s why you’re a team with Shua-hyung, he’s the best cook among us.” Minghao shrugged, “And we could make smaller cakes.” 

Jun pulled him by the sleeves and whispered in his ears, “Would that be too far?”

“I need to ask Seungcheol-hyung if he knows anything about Shua-hyung living with Hansol and I won’t be able to do that if any of them is in the same team with me.” He whispered back, “I’ll find a way to individually ask them about it later on, I promise.” He turned his head back to the americans, “Any problems?”

“But-” Hansol was about to protest when Joshua cut him off, “Not at all.” The eldest in the room smiled, “Let’s get started then?”

 

///

 

“Got anything?” Jun whisper-said as he settled the cooking utensils on the table, he and the americans went to the kitchen to get all the ingredients out while Minghao excused himself to the toilet to call Seungcheol. He was asked politely by Joshua to take things out, a signal that he needs some time with Hansol for a private talk.

“Cheol says he knows nothing about Joshua living here.” Minghao sighed, “I guess we should first figure out what happened between them before getting them together.”

“Sure.” Jun nodded, “If we’re lucky we could get both things done.” He added, eyeing the kitchen.

“Why?”

“Because-” There was a large sound of dishes clashing from the kitchen that interrupted them. The couple exchanged a look before hurrying to the source of sound.

Pieces of broken glasses scattered between Hansol and Joshua. Both of their sights fixed on the white pieces.

“Are you two fine? Are you hurt?” Jun decided to break the silence.

“We’re fine, I’ll go get the broom.” Joshua, standing right next to the door, smiled before leaving the kitchen. Hansol would have left as well if he wasn’t trapped in the kitchen by those pieces and that gave the pair a chance to question.

“Mind telling what happened?” Jun asked Hansol who shook his head in response.

“Hyung, can you get me some bandages and medical alcohol without Josh knowing? Those should be on top of the shoe shelf right next to the main entrance.” Hansol opened his right palm to show a wound under his thumb. It wasn’t a large one, only around one inch long with drops of blood bleeding out.

“..sure.”  _ So Joshua’s the one breaking the glass.  _ Minghao bit his lips as Jun walked out of the kitchen,  _ He’s getting more and more sensitive these days. _

Hansol quickly hid his hand behind him when Joshua came back with a broom in hand. The eldest brushed the floor in complete silence until all pieces were ensured to be cleaned. He sent Hansol a complicated gaze before leaving the place. Jun came in that moment and handed Hansol the things he needed.

“You know we would always be here to help.” He said.

“I know… but I don’t even know what’s the problem.” Hansol pulled out a mocking laugh as he cleaned the wound and place the bandage on it.

 

_ “Hansol, let’s... forget about last night for the time being, at least, not let them get suspicious or what.”  _

_ “I’m not forgetting about last night Josh. I know you need time and space, but I’m not erasing the fact that I like you.” _

_ “Don’t avoid problems, face it. That’s one of the things you told me yesterday night. And so I’m not backing away, especially when I know you need someone to support you. I can wait, I really can, so can you please don’t push me away?” _

 

_ “I… can’t.” _

 

When did he grabbed Joshua’s hand? And when did Joshua pulled his hand away from the grip? Hansol had no idea. All he knew was as soon as he came back to himself by the loud clash of glasses, Jun and Minghao already rushed in.

“Thanks though.” He smiled at the two Chinese, “Really.”

 

///

 

Joshua should had seen this coming when Minghao suggested to play ‘truth or dare’, or when the chinese smirked at him with mischief after Joshua ran out of chances to choose dare. Even though the party started off with a weird atmosphere, Joshua and Hansol managed to pull it through, especially after they were separated into different groups for the video game match - credits mostly to whatever that gave Jun and Minghao a good mood and heated up the party quickly.

They had dinner - junk foods, pizza and cheap beer - just ordinary party food. Joshua oddly had beer as well but he immediately regret after taking a sip, remembering why he hated alcoholic drinks. The can of beer ended up in Jun’s stomach. They cleared the table and threw everything in garbage bags as they promised Hansol’s parents. Those bags were left near the dining table though because Hansol said he would do the dumping later that night. Everything was fine, at least it seemed to be.

It was when Minghao suggested to play truth or dare that a weird feeling started to grow in Joshua, his stomach churning due to unknown reasons. Perhaps it was that sip of beer he had taken, he reasoned himself.

Reality proved he was wrong.

“When was your first kiss?” His stomach dropped dangerously low when the question popped out. It was a ordinary party question, so he knew Minghao didn’t have any intention behind - at least not for this question.

He saw how Minghao looked like he hit the jackpot when he answered the question, how Jun lifted his eyebrows in amusement and how Hansol shot his head up with a smug grin growing on his face that he tried to hide but failed.

“...yesterday.”

There was moments of silence before Joshua picked up the empty bottle, intentionally ignoring the weirdness and intense stares, “I’ll be the next to pick right?”

And as luck would had it, the bottle decided to do three full circles, turning back to Joshua.  _ Even the bottle is not helping me.  _ Joshua’s face ashened, while in the contrary, the chinese line’s face lit up.

“How’s it? All the details please, how long, how it ended and the most important - who is that lucky one?” The questions came blurting out.

Another long pause with Minghao and Jun staring at Joshua and Hansol looking down at the ground. Hansol thought of stopping the chinese from asking, but curiosity kept him in his place.

“It’s…” The two leaned in while Hansol raised his ears as Joshua started off. 

“Sad.”

Joshua wondered how many moments of silence were there ever since Minghao asked the question, it’s not important but his mind went on weird things whenever it became a mess, perhaps it was some type of self-protection system - to escape from the problem for awhile. He was certain his mind wasn’t the only thing with this kind of system though, because he found himself standing up, picking up the two garbage bags.

“I’ll… throw this away.” He forced out a smile. He really need some cold air and some time alone to clear his mind.

“Wait. I’m going with you.” Minghao quickly scrambled on his feet. He knew Hansol and Joshua acting weird had something to do with the kiss, but he didn’t expect it to end this way. Like, Joshua liking Hansol was an open secret while Hansol obviously liked him back judging on his reaction earlier, but… 

He shook his head, that’s not the point now, Joshua had neglected his words and walked out of the room himself. Minghao quickly followed with only one thing in his mind - he had to fix things right.

 

///

 

Minghao silently trailed down the street, keeping few steps behind Joshua. The elder didn’t seem to care, pacing with the pack of rubbish in hand, not bothering to stop or slow down. 

“You could actually just throw those in the bin near the back stairs of Hansol’s apartment.”

Joshua stopped abruptly that Minghao almost bumped into him. He turned around, looking annoyed, “I-” He started but softened his tone the next moment, “Do you have to reveal me this way?” It wasn’t really Minghao’s fault, they just wanted to help. Joshua knew it, so he told himself not to pour his emotions on his friend.

“Or what, let you shut yourself like a clam? That’s not what friends do.” Minghao retorted and that somehow triggered Joshua. The anger and annoyance he tried to restrain came bursting out.

“Must I? Why is everyone pushing me to speak up?” He raised his speaking tone, “I don’t want to, and I can’t. Letting you guys know doesn’t solve anything anyway.” He snapped. _ It just burdens the others, spreading negative emotions out. _

“Who knows? What if we could help?” Minghao scowled, “And we’re not pushing you to tell us everything, we’ll let you deal with things your own if you’re fine, but evidently you’re not.” He huffed, “You’re just evading problems.”

_ Don’t avoid problems, face it. That’s one of the things you told me yesterday night. And so I’m not backing away, especially when I know you need someone to support you. I can wait, I really can, so can you please don’t push me away? _

Hansol’s words earlier the day echoed in Joshua. _ But there’s no solution. _ He lowered his sight to the bricks on the pavement. He didn’t have the chance to see his father, let alone talk to. Even if he did, he wouldn’t dare talking about this with his father. It’s too sensitive.  _ What if it triggers him? _

Minghao sighed at the silence and softened his voice, “Earlier last month, I was in a fight with my parents about my career. I told Jun nothing to keep him from worrying, turned out… he still noticed but pretended he didn’t.” He pulled out a gentle smile remembering how his lover cared for him, “After things settled, he told me he would like to share all my burden and face everything with me together.”

“Not saying anything doesn’t mean we know nothing, hyung. We respect you so we didn’t ask you about it in the past, but we have seen you acting this way for too long.” He put his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, rubbing circles on it, “I’m not asking you to tell me everything, but I want you to know we’re here. All of us. Including Hansol. And you shouldn’t be pushing us away. Note that?”

“That’s… plagiarism.” Joshua sniffed. That’s what he told Jun all the way back in October. And now they’re telling it back to him. 

Minghao smiled, knowing the elder marked his words. He took the garbage bags from Joshua, “Now may we get back to Hansol’s, it’s freezing out here.” He joked.

He knew it would be hard to sound Joshua out, he just hope Jun is able to get what happened from Hansol. After all, even though he really cared about his friend, there’s still curiosity in him.

 

///

 

“Want to spill?” The two stayed quiet after Minghao and Joshua left, until Jun’s voice ripped through the silence.

“...not really in the mood hyung.”

“You don’t have to tell me the details or what happened.” Jun spoke in a careless tone, “You could tell me whatever it’s in your mind. Relevant to you or Joshua or not, it’s fine. As long as you get to clear your mind by speaking things out.”

There was a few moment of silence before Hansol blurted out of the blue, “It’s tired.” Jun waited quietly for the other to continue.

“I found myself stuck in the same position. And when I thought I have stepped closer to him... it turns out, he took a few steps back and I returned to the original position, with the same distance between me and him.” Hansol whispered with his sight fixed on the mattress.

“It’s like an endless chase, and I’m tired about that. But I don’t want to give up, not like that, especially when I know he needs someone to be with him.”  _ And, selfish or not, I hope I could be the one. _

There was a slight chuckle from Jun, earning a puzzled expression from the younger, “I’m glad.” Jun smiled, “I thought you would choose to force things out of him like you said before, but you didn’t.” Hansol remembered the conversation in the dancing studio a month ago, “You like him, don’t you?”

“I do.” Hansol admitted, it’s never something he would hide. He laid his head on the sofa, “But I don’t know what to do between us. Last night… I kissed him, and he kissed back, but pushed me away after that, with tears rolling down his face. He likes me right? But why must he avoid me?” He turned his gaze to Jun, who was staring at him as well.

“You remember Hao not telling me anything about he and his family before?” The younger nodded, “I was tired, but I wanted to believe him as well, so I chose to remain silent and he told me everything eventually. I know how you feel Hansol, but I believe Joshua needs time to think about how to tell you. He had been bearing everything alone for too long and was too used to living that way.” Jun saw how Hansol’s eyes dimmed at the statement.

“It’s tired to wait, but someday when you look back, you would be glad that you didn’t step back and stayed.” Jun continued, “I’m glad though, I really am.” He smiled at Hansol who lifted his head up again, “That my friends are finding love and learning to love. Not everyone could teach you that… don’t let him slip.”

There was a genuine smile spreading on Hansol’s face as he regained strength from the elders words.

“I won’t.” He said.

 

///

 

That night, when Joshua came out from the washroom, he found Hansol searching for something in his wardrobe.

“What are you finding?” He asked as he sat on Hansol’s bed.

“Thicker blankets.” Hansol replied, “You… don’t have to carry me from the guest room to here in the midnight. I’m fine sleeping there.” He buried his head in the wardrobe, “There should be one somewhere here…” He murmured to himself, ears occupied by the ruffling sound of him searching through the area, almost missing out the voice of Joshua.

“...if you want.”

“What?” He stopped his actions and turned around to face Joshua fidgeting his fingers.

“I said, you could… stay if you want.” Joshua repeated himself, voice almost inaudible, “It’s warmer here.”

“I… could?”

“You could choose not to as well.” There was a faint shade of pink on Joshua’s face. The boy quickly pulled the bed sheet over his head to cover it and squeezed his eyes shut. He felt someone getting on bed beside him and a quiet whisper coming from behind.

“Of course I’ll stay.”

 

_ Stay. _

_ Stay in the warm room. _

_ Stay in the warm room beside me. _

_ Stay beside me. _

_ As what you have promised. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters till the end!! To be honest the next chapter is my favourite so look forward for it ;))


	20. Knots and Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one kiss per knot, or maybe two

> **Kiss me on the lips and tell me everything will be fine.**

Joshua woke up to find himself in a warm embrace. Hansol’s arm was over his waist, he could faintly feel the others breath on his neck. He subconsciously moved to leave but Hansol pulled him closer, nuzzling into his neck as he did.

The action reminded Joshua of last night, how he finally took a leap.  _ Don’t let yourself regret if you made your decision Jisoo. _ He decided to forget about all the worries for the time being and enjoy the secured feeling in Hansol’s arms.

Not wanting to wake the younger, he carefully turned around. The room was still dim since the curtains were closed, but bright enough to allow Joshua to make out Hansol’s features.

It’s not the first time he examined the boys sleeping feature, but he never got bored of it. His fingers trailed through the golden locks with slight hints of black (Because he haven’t dyed for some time), between his eyes, over the tip of his nose and landed on the lips. They were thin, dusted with pale pink, warm and soft.

It kept there for a moment before Joshua took away his fingers and shifted himself closer for a better look. There was where my first kiss went. He thought.

His vision turned black all of a sudden when something went near him abruptly, closing his eyes out of reflexes. He felt something soft on his lips and opened his eyes. Hansol was looking at him, eyes twinkling with mischief and lips connecting to his.

The younger pulled away, “Second kiss.” He said with a grin.

Joshua’s mind went short-circuited for a split second, “What?”

“You’re second kiss.” Hansol replied, “And all you’re future kisses would be mine.” He smiled. The smile, however, slowly faded when Joshua wasn’t responding. The elder was just staring at him with a blank expression, an expression that Hansol couldn’t read.

_ Did he misinterpret what Joshua meant last night? _

“Sorry, I thought-” He wanted apologize but was suddenly grabbed by the collar and his lips went back to Joshua’s, stopping the remaining words to fall out. It was just lips touching, without any further move. But it was sweet and enduring and Hansol find the corner of his lips quirked up as he pushed forward. The pulling hand on his collar found its way over his neck, tangling with his hair and pushing them closer together until their bodies were right against each other.

Joshua opened to let the other enter, both craving for each others taste, spending their time to explore each other until they parted for air.

“And all of yours are mine.” Joshua breathed out, air tickling on Hansol’s lips. The younger smiled, “You said that.”

There was someone calling from outside the room, breaking the moment. “I guess breakfast is ready.” Hansol said, fingers playing with the brown locks of the elder.

“Can’t we stay this way for a bit?” Joshua had his head resting on Hansol’s shoulder, “Just five minutes?”

Hansol felt his heart struck by how cute the elder pouted, “Sure, how can I refuse such an adorable Jisoo.” He teased.

Joshua froze slightly, “What did you call me?”

“Jisoo.” Hansol whispered in his ear, “You don’t like it?”

“I like it.” Joshua felt sleep getting back to him again, he nuzzled his head on the crook of Hansol’s neck, “Just… only my parents calls me that way.” And it’s been awhile since he last heard the name. He never told Hansol he always liked how he addressed him as Josh, but Jisoo was great as well, or maybe better. The earlier reminded him of America and the later gave him of the feeling of home. He tend to avoid both of those during his stay in Korea, but when they left Hansol’s lips, it gave him a feeling of security.

“Well then there’s one more person on that list from now on.” Hansol smiled.

Five minutes later, Joshua was deep into slumber. Hansol debated whether to wake him or not but he really didn’t have the heart to. Both of them barely slept the night before Christmas, they were up only because of their biological clock.

_ Just another five minutes.  _ He thought as he laid his chin on the top of the elder’s head, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere and closed his eyes.

There was a clicking sound of cameras that made Hansol jumped. He checked to make sure Joshua wasn’t woke up before turning to the culprit.

“So Seungkwan wasn’t lying to me.” Sofia ignored the warning glares of her brother, she spent her time admiring the photo before turning to Hansol with a smirk.

The smirk gave Hansol a bad feeling that he subconsciously leaned back a bit. The last time he saw that smile on his sister’s lips was when she discovered him driving his father’s car without the permission of Mr Chwe. The result? Hansol didn’t really want to recall how he was threatened and treated as a slave for a month.

“How’s your kiss?” She leaned in, hands supporting herself on the side of the bed.

“...what kiss?”  _ Since when have she been here? Have she seen everything?  _ The fact that Sofia’s his younger sister doubled the embarrassment.

“Don’t deny it Hansol, I’ve got my information from your best friend.”

_ My best friend… Seungkwan?  _ It didn’t take Hansol a second thought to understand Jun and Minghao had betrayed him and that everyone in their friend group must had gotten the message. He was relieved that Sofia didn’t really witness them kissing.

But.

“Why did he even tell you?”

Sofia chuckled, “They said they need a spy.” That explains… Wait. 

“...you didn’t send him the photo did you? And who do you mean by  _ they _ ?”

“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?” Sofia shook her phone, showing the screen of her chat history, a triumphant grin on her face, “And they means your  _ friends _ apparently.” She said, putting strong emphasis on the ‘s’ of ‘friends’.

Hansol buried his face in his hands. He wanted to grab her phone and delete the photo but Joshua was still laying on him so he couldn’t move. Plus, he saw the replies from his friends to the photo including several ‘awww’s and ‘finally’s, he even saw one asking for a photo of them kissing instead of cuddling. He could bet his life it must be one of BooSeokSoon… no, scratch that, all of his friends were weirdos. “Why do I have you as my sister.” He ended up muttering.

“Because you love me.” Sofia replied mindlessly, “Oh and, Seungcheol asked you to call him after verifying you two really got together.”

“Cheol?” Hansol frowned but still nodded, “Tell him I’ll do that later today.”

“I’ll tell him. Come down quickly though, mom’s getting impatient.”

 

///

 

Joshua was helping Mrs Chwe on the dishes when Hansol sneaked back to his room to call Seungcheol. He wasn’t sure why he had to avoid the elder, but he had a feeling that it had something to do with Joshua.

The phone was picked up after a few beeps, and Seungcheol’s bright voice came in, “ _ Hansollieeee. _ ”

“Save that for Jeonghan-hyung please.” Hansol shuddered at the name.

“Why~” Seungcheol whined, “I thought parents could always call their baby cute names, even after they’re all grown up.”

“When did I become your baby? Please stay further from Jeonghan-hyung, I don’t want to become another Chan.” Hansol heard the giggles from the other side of the line, “Don’t tell me you ask me call just to make fun of me."

“Correct!” That overly cheerful voice got Hansol rolling his eyes.

“I’m hanging.”

“No, wait! That was just part of it.” Seungcheol quickly stopped him, swallowing his laughters and the urge to tease the younger further, “Seriously, I- Did Joshua tell you anything about him?” 

Hansol frowned at the sudden seriousness, “Part of it, but probably not all, especially the reason behind why he cried.”

“He cried?” It was Jeonghan this time, it was when Hansol realize Jeonghan heard all their previous conversations and the mentions of his name. He didn’t waste a lot of time on thinking of the blonde’s reaction though, because Jeonghan was obviously worried.

“I thought Jun and Minghao told you guys everything.” The sign of confusion was apparent.

“They just said you two kissed. Without any details. How could they not share everything they knew.”

“Haha.” Hansol fake a laugh, but was thankful to the chinese as well, “They don’t really know a lot though. But that’s not the point, the point is, he cried when I kissed him.”

There was a pause from the other line and muffled conversations that Hansol couldn’t clearly identify the words in it before Seungcheol’s voice came back, “Hansol, how much do you know now?”

“I just know about the reasons behind his suspension and why he came back… why?” Said boy carefully picked his words without revealing anything further, something Joshua may not want the others to know.

“Typical behaviors of Shua, avoiding the main point again.” Jeonghan huffed, “I thought you persuaded him but it doesn’t seem to be the case if you don’t know that.”

“Well… Minghao talked to him last night and then he kind of changed his attitude.”

“Hansol do you… want to know the full story?” Seungcheol asked cautiously.

Said boy stayed quiet for a moment, “No.”

“You sure?”

“Ya.” He smiled as he made up his mind, becoming more determined as the words left his lips, “I promised him to wait. So I will, until he could tell me himself.”

Seungcheol and Jeonghan exchanged a glance, “My baby is really growing up I’m such a happy dad.” Hansol could picture the brunette wiping off a nonexistent tear.

“Seriously hyung, quit that please.”

“But I-” There was a few beeping sound that cut Seungcheol off, “Wait a minute there’s an incoming call.”

“Okay.” Hansol hummed, sighing as he turned around to see Joshua leaning on the door, “Josh?”  _ Since when was he here? _

Joshua smiled a bit, remaining silent. Hansol was about to say something when Seungcheol’s voice came in again.

“Sorry Hansol, I won’t be back for awhile, something urgent here… I’ll call you later.” 

“Sure, nevermind me and-” The brunette was speaking fast and Hansol could barely respond before the line cut off, “Thanks… nevermind.” He shrugged to noone.

“He won’t call back shortly right?” Joshua said, getting Hansol to turn to him.

“Seems to be.”

“Then…” Joshua tilted his head and wetted his lips before continuing, “Mind coming with me for a bit?”

“Sure?” Hansol truly didn’t expect that, “But where?” 

“You’ll know when you arrived.” The elder simply said as he dragged Hansol out of the room.

Hansol didn’t expect Joshua would bring him to a church, or in specific, the church he visited in Seoul.

There was no others except for a lady who seemed to be in her 40s sitting on the bench right in front of the stage. Just like all churches, there’s a piano on the left of the stage, an organ on the right and a big cross hung in the middle on top of several wooden benches where the choir would sing in Hansol assumed.

Perhaps it’s the extreme silence, or the dim yellow light, the atmosphere was a weird mixture of solemn and peace, like there’s a strange power to calm people down and reflect on themselves.

Joshua led Hansol to the women, who stood up as the two approached.

“Mrs Park.” Joshua bowed down slightly.

The lady replied with a friendly smile, “Hi Joshua, haven’t seen you for a while. I see you got your friend with you.”

Hansol frowned at how Joshua’s smile froze a bit at the word ‘friend’ but hid it quickly, “This is Hansol. And Hansol, Mrs Park, she’s a clergy.”

The two greeted politely before Mrs Park turned to Joshua, “I didn’t expect anyone to come on boxing day though.”

The boy lowered his sight, “There’s a lot of things going in my head recently.” He said as he eyed the cross.

The lady smiled knowingly, “Take your time then.” And she stepped backwards, leaving space for the boys.

Joshua smiled thankfully before bowing his head  down in front of the cross, pulling the younger down as well and laced his fingers together. Hansol couldn’t hear clearly the murmured prayer of Joshua and soon shifted his focus on the cross in front of him. The atmosphere was quiet and awkward to Hansol since he was never a believer, but if there is a God out there, and if there is one thing he could pray for…He bowed down his head and laced his fingers.

_ May you bless the well-being of Josh. Give him strength in everything he is facing… Amen. _

There was a weird spread of serene in him as he prayed, something new to him, but he decided he liked how at ease he felt. He felt Joshua getting up and he followed. 

Turning to face the elder who was looking at him with a straight face, Hansol wetted his lips before asking, “So… why?” 

“Kiss me.”

“What?” Hansol was sure he looked puzzled. He saw how Mrs Park took a step backward in disbelief and shock, the warm smile nowhere to be found as her jaw dropped.

“Joshua you…” And she couldn’t continue.

Said boy neglected how the other two reacted and pulled Hansol forward, smashing their lips together. Hansol didn’t really know how this kiss tasted, his brain was processing too many things and couldn’t identify how it felt. It wasn’t the slow and sweet kisses Joshua liked it to be - Hansol concluded that this morning, it’s half-forceful, and somehow harsh as the elder ran his tongue through Hansol’s lips. In some definition, it wasn’t really a kiss.

Joshua pulled away after some moments which felt like forever for Hansol.

“This is what you have to face when we get together.” He kept his sight on the floor, the graphics of stories from the bible on the tiles stinging his eyes, “Disbeliefs, stigmas, isolations... Not from anyone else,” He lifted his gaze to meet the worry eyes of Hansol, “but my parents, my friends, and people I care for.” 

Joshua paused before turning to Mrs Park, “Sorry. I… must have disappointed you.” 

“No, of course not!” The lady quickly walked towards the two boys, “I was just shock, I didn’t expect you to be… I’m glad, I really am.” As if to prove she was sincere, she wrapped the boy’s hand in hers, holding a firm grip on it, “Sure, there are christians who believe homosexuality wasn’t in god’s will, but I believe God has his plan and would love us as us. After all, this couldn’t be controlled."

Joshua’s gaze fixed on how Mrs. Park was holding his hands, firmly and reassuringly. He didn’t even notice he was crying until a tear dropped on the back of his hand, the warmness spreading over the skin and melting into him.

“...Joshua? You ok?” Mrs Park questioned, trying to look at the boy facial expression as she hovered down.

Joshua wiped away his tears as he shook his head, “I always thought it’s fine even if others don’t understand me, but-” He sniffed as he laid his head on the lady’s shoulder who hugged the boy back, “I didn’t expect hearing others accept me could be this… happy.” he muffled into Mrs Park’s shoulder.

She patted the boy’s head slowly. She had known Joshua since he first came to Korea, seen him grown up from a perplexed little boy to an independent man. She was there when Joshua find himself confused about the future, when he had to get back to America because of his father, and was the one to talk him out.

“You’ve done nothing wrong Joshua-ah.” She hummed lowly, pulling Joshua up to face him and wiping off tears staining under his eyes, “So you worth being accepted. Like how God has his embrace open to all of us, may we be sinners, normal human beings, believers or non-believers… I would be here to have your back as well.” She grinned, playfully elbowing Joshua on the arm, “And… I’m sure I’m no the only one here for you.” She stepped backwards as she eyed Hansol, who had been watching quietly.

Joshua slowly turned around to the mentioned boy, eyes darting around not knowing where to look, especially when his eyes were reddened with tears - he didn’t like others seeing him crying. Therefore, he landed his sight on the ground with his head lowered, almost tripping over when he was pulled abruptly into a tight embrace.

“Josh… No, Jisoo.” Hansol’s voice rang right next to his ears, Joshua felt the younger’s arms tightening behind him, his head burying deep into Joshua’s neck, “I promised I’ll be there for you. And so, I’m here and we’ll face all those together.” Hansol had been thinking of what to say to comfort the elder for long, he still hadn’t make up his mind when Joshua turned to him. But seeing those tear stains gave him an urge to secure the elder in his arms, and those words slipped out naturally. He felt Joshua’s hand moving to his waist slowly and hugged him back with the same force. That was when he knew he was worrying too much, all Joshua needed was him, and a promise.

Ages seemed to have passed until Hansol pulled away and planted a soft kiss on Joshua’s forehead, staying there for a solid five to ten seconds before meeting the gaze of Joshua who was smiling at him.

“Hansol?” Joshua called out softly.

“Hmm?”

“Kiss me on the lips. Please.” And Hansol willingly complied. Sweet and slow, just like how they both loved.

 

///

 

“You know what?” Hansol asked casually on their way back to the his home. Both of them were only wearing their sweaters and jeans since they came out in a rush, apparently not enough for a winter day in Seoul. They took that as an opportunity to walk closely to each other and laced their fingers. Somehow, the intimacy made them forget about the coldness.

“What?” Joshua replied half-mindedly.

“I’ve never seen you cry for the past two years and in this three days you cried in front of me, twice.”

Joshua’s face ashen at the statement, “Shut up.” He snapped, sending the younger a glare, but Hansol just laughed it off. He’s glad that Joshua wasn’t locking himself from the world, willing to pour his feelings out to him.

“Since when did you like me?” Hansol wondered aloud, simply curious about it.

“You guess?” Joshua sent the younger a challenging look.

“Well… it should be before Soonyoung and Jihoon argued, or maybe even before Seokmin and Seungkwan got together? No wait.” Hansol kept changing his answer as he picked up pieces of hints from the past, “It’s before Jeonghan said yes to Seungcheol being his fiance, right?” He turned to Joshua, who frowned at the answer.

“Since when did you realize I like you?” The hint of anger was well suppressed but still noticeable. Joshua felt exposed, and betrayed by the younger. And he hated both of those, especially the former.

Hansol chuckled embarrassingly, “Just… a few days ago when I kissed you, but when I look back on the past and how you reacted to things…” His voice trailed off, eyes dimming as they met with Joshua’s, “Sorry Josh, I must have made you wait for long.”

Joshua sighed, expression softening, “It wasn’t your fault, I intend to not let you know.” There was a strong feeling of dejavu to both of them, the sentence sounded just the same as what Joshua told Hansol when they argued earlier last month, “I couldn’t let you know.” He murmured.

“And what would you do if I never liked you back?”

“I don’t know.” Joshua shrugged, “Let the feeling fade in time. Or maybe let it grow with me, as a lifelong secret?” There were stares from Hansol that made him uneasy, he shifted his gaze away, “It’s not that bad. The ability to love someone is always a blessing.” He smiled weakly. That was what he truly thought though. Even though he couldn’t voice it his love, or let the other love him back, he was always thankful to loving Hansol. That was his major source of happiness - the spread of warmth in his chest, the happiness bursting through his lungs and those times he couldn’t help but smile at the younger’s small smile, care, clumsiness... literally everything about him. But Hansol took it in differently, thinking Joshua said that just to make him feel better.

“How long has it been?” He asked seriously as he stopped walking and turned to face the elder.

“People can’t tell when they exactly fall in love with another…” Joshua caught Hansol scowling sideways, obviously not satisfied with the answer, “...but if it’s from when I realized I like you, around… a year and a half?” Joshua still got his sight on the floor.

It was Hansol’s turn to sigh, he pushed the elder’s head on his shoulders half-forcefully and rested his chin on it, fingers running through the brown locks, “You know what Josh? I’m so, so glad that I like you back, so glad that I’m not too late to say I love you, and so glad that I didn’t let you go.” Joshua felt Hansol’s hands trembling as they carved through his hair and his voice quivering as he breathed out his words and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Hansol-ah.” He lifted his head a bit to set his chin on the other’s shoulder, “Those are all over, it doesn’t matter anymore.” He crooned, “So promise me, don’t feel guilty, or sad for me, those aren’t what I want or need from you.” He parted a bit to look Hansol in his eyes, tucking a few strands of Hansol’s air back behind his ears, “I just need your love and that’s all you’re going to give me. Promise?”

“Promise.” Hansol said, before pulling him back again. They stayed that for a few minutes until both of them couldn’t stand the winter breeze and decided to get back home.

“I thought you’re going to change the way you call me?” Joshua asked as they stepped in the Chwe’s, sighing contentedly at the warmth as he did.

“Nah, I decide to only call you that way in certain occasions.” Hansol led both of them to his room, crawling under the bedsheets almost immediately.

Joshua joined him and cuddled with the younger, “Like?” 

“Like… when you cry?” Hansol smirked, earning a light shove by the elder.

“I shouldn’t have asked.” Joshua rolled his eyes. That was when his phone rang, and Joshua had to leave the bed to grab his phone from the desk. Hansol pouted a bit as a silent protest which Joshua giggled at, “Just a moment, Hansol.” 

He checked the caller and lifted his eyebrows, “Cheol?” There was a pause from the other line before a voice spoke, causing Joshua to froze and Hansol scrambling out of the bed to get next to Joshua.

“Jisoo.” 

 

“...Father?”


	21. Reincarnation

“Mr Hong?” Jeonghan gingerly called out as he pushed open the hospital door, Seungcheol following behind.

“Seat.” Said man beckoned the two chairs beside his bed.

The couple complied, Jeonghan examining Mr Hong’s cautiously as he did, but the poker face wasn’t something he could decipher.

There as a long silence as the couple sat on pins and needles before the man finally spoke, “...Are you two happy?”

“Pardon?” Seungcheol thought he heard wrong.

“Are you two happy together?” The man turned to look right at the couple.

“But we’re-”

“We are.” Jeonghan cut Seungcheol off, staring back at Mr Hong fearlessly while squeezing the hand of Seungcheol, “We are happy, and Shua… is happy with Hansol as well. They, became a thing a few days ago actually.”

“I know. I… could tell.” Mr Hong averted eye contact and dropped his sight on the bed sheets.

Another long silence as the couple let the man sink in his thoughts.

“I was never really against the idea actually.” The linking hands tightened as the couple exchanged hopeful glances, “But I never thought it would happen to people I know, let alone it to be my own son.” He paused before turning back to the couple, “It worths everything right? For him to be happy and all.”

Jeonghan remained silent, knowing the man wasn’t really seeking for an answer.

“Does he, I mean, his… boyfriend know about me?”

“Not yet.” Seungcheol told him the conversation between him and Hansol earlier that day, “I’m sure he would only be inclusive and patient even if he knows that.” He added on.

Mr Hong sighed, “Guess I should just let him be.” Jeonghan nudged Seungcheol on the arm, the brunette understood at once and pulled out his phone as Mr Hong continued voicing out his thoughts, too into his world to notice, “All I could do is to let him go anyway.” He lowered his sight, mind drifting back to the day their pet dog died.

 

_ “I’m not having a dog anymore, they just fade in time. The times we spend together, the happiness, and their lives.” The little Joshua wiped his tears away, still small enough for him to hold in his embrace. _

_ “Everything fades in time Jisoo, but what’s important is always the times you got to have with them. Happiness, memories, and sadness, but we should always face them, fearlessly, so we could always remember the most beautiful sides of them. Just remember one thing.” _

_ “Do things that makes you happy, and when it fades and you feel sad, I’m always here with my embrace.” _

 

“You should tell him those yourself.” Seungcheol handed the man his phone with the screen on the calling page, Joshua’s name shining on the top.

Mr Hong opened his mouth for a bit, trying to find the appropriate word before letting out a sigh, “I can’t. You know that.”

“It doesn’t harm to just tell him your fine.” Jeonghan took the phone from Seungcheol and pushed it in Mr Hong’s hand, “And he would be happier to hear those from you, directly.” He stared at the man straight in the eyes.

“But-” 

“Cheol?” A soft voice came from the other end of the line.

One word. One word and the protesting man softened, eyes glued on the phone where the screen lit in green light. He look lost like a kid unable to find his parents in the crowd, perplexed and helpless. It was the same expression when Mrs Hong heard Joshua’s voice last time.

Jeonghan pushed the phone up to his ears, beckoning him to say something.

“...Jisoo.”

“...Father?”

 

///

 

Joshua felt his hand numb. He was biting on his palm, which was covering his mouth, holding back his tears.  _ Two years. _ He thought to himself.  _ It had been two years since he heard his father’s voice. _

None of them were able to pick up any words to form a sentence, so they let silence thicken as they listen to each others breathe through the phone.

Hansol was holding his other hand, feeling the quiet trembles from the older boy while drawing soothing circles on the back of the hand. He thought of leaving space for the elder, but Joshua tightened his grasp on Hansol’s hem when he tempted to leave. Hansol was secretly glad about that, even though it meant seeing Joshua breakdown and that makes his heart clench.

Joshua’s father was the one to break the silence.

“How are you doing?” The voice from the other side was familiar, yet different from his memories. Somewhere in the voice, Joshua could find that fearless, reckless father who would secure in his strong embrace whenever he needed it, but he could also picture a man slowly growing old, fearing the uncertainties and sudden change of faith.

It was when Hansol squeezed his hand that Joshua realize he had yet to reply.

“I-” Joshua was slightly taken aback by how rusky his voice was and quickly cleared his throat, “I’m fine.” He got a bunch of questions in mind - why was Cheol with his father, why did he call, he remembered Seungcheol saying there’s something urgent when he ended the call with Hansol, could it be...

“Are you fine? Is your health worsened or something? Is mom beside you? I-” Questions came bursting out once the assumption popped up in Joshua’s brain. Hansol felt Joshua’s grip tightening, his breath getting faster and patted his back gently.

“Jisoo-ah, I’m fine, just- There’s… something I want to tell you.”

Perhaps it’s the answer or the patting behind him, Joshua felt himself melting at the statement, remembering he had to breath. Hansol gave him another squeeze on his shoulder which Joshua returned with a thankful smile as he regained composure, “I’m listening.”

There was another long silence before the other line spoke again.

“You’re friends told me about… your sexuality.” It wasn’t only Joshua’s breath hitching this time, both of them tightening their grips where their fingers were laced together.

“And…?” Joshua asked unsurely, an urge for his father to continue, but the man started on another topic.

“Do you know what I think about most in this two years?” The question came out of the blue, and Joshua had no idea where things were going, he chose to remain silence and let his father reveal the answer.

“Two years before, I forced you to get back to Korea, to continue your studies, to leave me here in Los Angeles despite my illness. Have you ever thought of why?”

“Cuz your that stubborn old man who cares about everything except yourself.” The words left Joshua without him processing, but he would do the same even if he had the time to think.

There was a sigh from the other end of the phone, “I didn’t want to be the burden in your life. I wanted you to pursue your dream, do what you want to do without considering me or your mother. I want you to be happy.”

“Six years ago when you told me you want to go to Korea yourself, I realize you’re mature enough to make your own decisions, to explore the world yourself.” Hansol could hear the proudness laced in the man’s voice, “While I, should slowly let go of you.”

“And so, Jisoo.”

“I won’t be an obstacle in your life, for it be your academics or romantic relationship.”

“You’re cruel.” Joshua croaked, “How could you just cast me out for two years, not even letting me call home and know how you’re doing? What if you left without me knowing? How could you just let go of me like that? Just because you think I’m mature enough to have my own life? I’m not leaving you or mom behind, don’t you dare thinking of it.” He felt his hands wetted by tears, he rubbed it off his face and took a deep breath while Hansol gently patted his back.

“Mr Hong.” He spoke, “I’m Hansol, Hansol Vernon Chwe in full. I’m Josh’s boyfriend. May I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead.”

“Have you ever consider Josh as your burden, may it be now or before or when he was a kid who don’t even know how to walk?” 

“Of course not.”

“Then why would you be a burden to him if you’re sick or old? Please be less stubborn and let those who care for you take care of you, cause they never think your burdening them. Don’t give me that look of agreement Josh, the same goes to you.” Hansol gently pulled Joshua in his embrace, fingers carving through the boys hair.

“I’m learning.” Joshua whispered, he’s eyes were still red but there was no longer tears. He closed his eyes as he rested himself on Hansol, feeling the younger pressing a kiss on his forehead and lifted up his head. The two exchanged loving stares and leaned in to kiss once again, on the lips this time, gently and softly.

“Hello? Are we ignored here?” Jeonghan’s voice interrupted their kiss.

“Han, that’s not a good timing you know.” Joshua sounded deeply annoyed but the corner of his lips quirked up at his best friend’s voice.

“Anyway, problem solved, you owe me one.” The blonde replied cheerfully.

“Is it?” Joshua lifted his eyebrows, “I’ll tell Cheol the true story behind you confe-”

“Whoa, It’s getting late now. I gotta go, bye for now.” The line cut off abruptly as Joshua giggled, his breaths brushing on Hansol’s neck.

“What’s that about Cheol-hyung?” Hansol questioned.

“I’ll tell you about that later, for now.” Joshua laid his forehead on Hansol’s, “let’s continue from where we ended.” And the two melted into another kiss.

 

///

 

“Hansol, open the door for me, I don’t have free hands.” Mrs Chwe shouted from the kitchen.

“I’m going, I’m going.” Hansol walked out from his room, pretty annoyed that his cuddling session with Joshua as interrupted, “Why can’t you ask Sofia to do that, her room is closer to the door.” He muffled the second sentence, knowing he would be in trouble of his mother heard it.

A slight chuckle came from behind, “Be good Hansol-ah.” Joshua chirped as he patted the younger’s head, “I wonder who it is though. Everyone’s home.”

“Maybe it’s the mailman.” Hansol replied, sneaking his hand through Joshua’s waist, but earned a light smack, “I can’t walk properly that way.” He blamed, ignoring the pout the younger gave him and walked towards the door.

Hansol attacked him from the back, causing them to almost tumble out of the door with Hansol clinging on Joshua’s back as confettis sprayed on their face, “Happy Birthday!!!” 

It was all their friends, some of them holding confettis, others with paper bags, probably presents and a paper box, probably cake.

“You two don’t have to greet us that way though, WE KNOW YOU TWO GOT TOGETHER.” Seungkwan eyed the couple, tone bitter.

Hansol jumped off his boyfriend, leaving his arms over Joshua’s shoulder, “Like you’re still single.” He beckoned Seokmin who returned a look and almost fell over when Seungkwan crashed himself to his lover.

“Easy there Kwannie.” He tried to catch but he was holding a paper bag in both of his hands. Luckily, they regained balanced with Seokmin hanging his hands awkwardly in the air and Seungkwan leaning on his chest.

“Glad to see you this hypered.” Jun smiled, “Problem solved?”

“Ya, thanks for talking me out.” Hansol nodded, pulling Joshua closer to emphasize his point, “And Minghao to talk this boy out- Ow!” He yelped as Joshua shoved him on the head.

Minghao chuckled, “No thanks. Glad to help.”

“What problem?” Mingyu butted in with his eyebrows raised, shifting his line of sight back and forth on the four.

Hansol immediately pulled out a smile, “It’s noth-” But Joshua tugged him on the arns and stopped Hansol from continuing, “C’mon in, I got something to tell all of you.” He gestured them in.

“You sure you want to tell them?” Seungcheol asked cautiously as he walked through the door where Joshua was standing to hold it open. The others were already in as Hansol got them drinks and plates for the cake.

“Ya, they should know, I kind of brought some trouble to each of them before because of this.” Joshua nodded, “Han isn’t with you though?” Even though he turned down the idea of meeting up with his best friend in America, he did miss Jeonghan a lot and was looking for him ever since his friends shown up, but the blonde was nowhere to be found. 

“He got classes, holiday for him ended with Christmas.” Seungcheol shrugged carelessly, but they knew both of them would miss the blonde, after all, he’s special to them, “What did you tell him on boxing day though? He acted pretty weird after the call ended.”

“Well…” The american smirked, “you’ll have to find that out yourself.”

 

///

 

“Thanks guys and… sorry for not telling you anything.” Joshua apologized after a long explanation of his story.

“Nevermind hyung, we understand.” Chan smiled, unexpectedly mature in times like this.

“We should be sorry for teasing you and Hansol before… and for not being there with you when you need us.” Seokmin agreed.

“Thanks.” Joshua smiled, feeling the encouraging grip from Hansol.

“We should be happy about this.” Soonyoung beamed, “What about karaoke later today?” He turned to Jihoon.

“As long as it’s indoor.” The producer said as he nodded, earning a hearty smile from his boyfriend, “Yay! you’re the best.” He cheered pulling the other in a bone crushing hug.

Joshua cleared his throat to get the others looking at him again, “I still have one thing to admit though.” Hansol frowned, tugging Joshua’s arm lightly which the later replied with a reassuring smile, meaning ‘it’s fine.’

All the gazes were fixated on the boy as Joshua turned to Seungcheol, “Did you know how Han realized he like you?”

“No?” The brunette replied, puzzled.

“Let’s just say it’s not the first time you guys kissed when he confessed to you.” Hansol spotted the familiar glimmer in the black orbs, eyes crinkling at the corner. It wasn’t the glint of tears, or the plead of hope. It was the mischief that he missed from the usual Joshua.

“What? When? How?” Questions came bursting out from the other members of the friend group. Joshua spared Seungcheol, who still haven’t recover from the shock, a glance, “You guys could find it out yourself.” He shrugged.

“Cheol-hyung…” Soonyoung took the lead to corner Seungcheol, “Text- no, call Jeonghan-hyung now. Right now.”

Seungcheol’s hand went to the pocket of his trousers out of reflexes, but his phone wasn’t there. He turned around to find Wonwoo with his phone in hand.

“What’s the password?”

“Try his birthday.” Mingyu suggested.

0808 “Not correct.”

“What about Jeonghan-hyung’s."

1004 “Nope.”

“It’s both of their birthdays added up together. Hopeless romantic.” Joshua interrupted, neglecting the glare from Seungcheol.

  1. Unlocked.



“How did you know?” Hansol asked, amused.

“His password is the same as Han’s.” Joshua shrugged.

“Ew. I thought meanie was the cheesiest couple here. Looks like someone climbed up the chart.”

“Hansol, they were always there, they just hid themselves well.” Another glare from Seungcheol.

“The phone call is connected.” Joshua beckoned with a smile, telling Seungcheol he got other things to take care of.

“Cheol?” Came a whispering Jeonghan, “Anything important? I’m in class.”

“Hannie it’s-”

“Hyung! When did you first kiss Cheol-hyung?” Mingyu cut Seungcheol off.

There was a pause from the other line, “Hong Jisoo, you promised not to tell him.”

“Did I?” Joshua stifled a giggle as he tilted his head pretending to think hard, “But I already told him. And everyone in case you still haven’t noticed.” 

“It’s not Shua-hyung’s fault, now answer us - WHEN.” Seokmin immediately defended Joshua and brought the focus back to the original topic.

“And is that your business?” Seungcheol snapped as he barged into the group surrounding his phone.

The place was a total mess, with Seungcheol trying to get his phone back, others dodging and passing the phone over, and the americans laughing from the sofa.

“You know they were only trying to help you.” Hansol shook his head slightly.

“I know, but they didn’t tell me anything.” Joshua rested his head on Hansol’s shoulder, lacing their fingers together, “And Cheol has the right to know it anyway.” He pulled out a harmless and innocent smile that Hansol couldn’t help but smile as well.

“Sure he has.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if anyone would really read this fiction till the end when I first decided to post this out. If there’s anyone here right now, I’m so so thankful for you and I hope this would be considered worth your while.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments kudos and hits!!! Hopefully the next fic would come shortly but I only got a brief summary of what to write right now so look forward! Thanks again ;))

**Author's Note:**

> Two chapters for first update, updates once every one or two weeks afterwards. Stay tuned!


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